[Raelynn]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I have been reading the posts here for a couple of weeks, and I wanted to post but didn't quite know how.

I set a goal to lose 100lbs, and I've lost 60 of it. I have been battling bulimia off and on for 5 years, and since I started my weight loss, it has gotten pretty bad. I am trying so hard to eat sensibly, and I don't know what is wrong with me, but if I eat until I feel full (not uncomfortably full though), I feel guilty...almost like I shouldn't feel full if I am trying to lose weight. I find that if I am not restricting myself to 500 calories a day, then I am b/p--it's one extreme or the other. I honestly feel helpless a lot of the time. I want to recover, yet at the same time, I am so obsessed with my weight that it's all I can think about. I hope this doesn't sound stupid, I was hoping maybe someone here has been where I am and can offer some advice. Thanks in advance.

[runnergirl]

Welcome here! You do NOT sound stupid. I'm in that same boat. I've been bingeing and purging for the better part of 3 years. I have those same feelings. Striking a happy medium is so hard for us. Eat to little and I feel I'm restricting and eventually the dam breaks lose and if I eat too much I feel guilty and binge/purge. It's the perfectionist inside us.

The thing I'm in the process of learning is trust. My physical body knows when it's hunrgy and will tell me and going into the emotional issues when I'm not. Currently I am a raw nerve:-). Withdrawl from a tried and true (bad) habit is painful, no way around it.

A couple things I've learned is you can't lose the weight b/ping and then when you get there decide to learn the good eating habits to maintain. As they say the process is just as important as the end product. OA has really helped. Online or facetoface meetings. Connection is really important. Start reading all you can about it. And keep a journal. Take that internal struggle outside yourself. You can't do it alone. Forgive yourself for the mistakes that you make and move on. I'm learning that one bad meal will not destroy me. I ate a huge dinner last night. Salad, bread, eggplant parm, a couple of drinks at a party. I wanted to go nto the bathroom and get rid of it but i stayed where i was and enjoyed the rest of the party. Came home, slept and at 10ish my stomach growled for food. My ed lies to me all the time, there is no truth or comfort in it.

Hope this helps you:-). Didn't mean to ramble. You are NOT alone. Take care.

runnergirl

[Raelynn]

Thank you for replying. I too am learning to listen to my body, it's really hard though. I know that I am going to have to learn to eat properly if I want to maintain my weightloss -- I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I feel better knowing that I am not alone.

[moe]

You are totally not alone. We are here for you. I have been up and down with my weight for as long as I can remember. I am down to 160 now and still have about 30 more to go. Food, weight issues, etc. is on my mind from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep. Do you exercise at all??

[MissMinerva]

Raelynn, you have come to the right place!! We are all trying to beat eating disorders and the first step is to come out and talk about it. I am a binge eater, but only as a result of first binging and purging. The first thing is to stop purging!! Itis so bad or your system. One thing that helped me to stop is when I learned that when you binge, your body absorbs most of the fat and carbs right away...so most of what you are purging are the nutrients and protein...which is why most bulimics actually gain weight. Stick with your efforts! It's hard to be obsessed with foodand body image I know...but you'll be happier and healthier if you lose the weight the natural way by eating right and exercising. Gt a workout buddy to keep you motivated! It's working for me...Good luck!

[Raelynn]

Thanks for replying. I do work out -- I exercise for about an hour at least 5 times a week. I haven't purged in 2 weeks...only because I almost landed myself in the hospital the last time I did (long story -- I would have needed surgery had it happened). That scared me, and it's almost like my body won't let me make myself sick anymore. Maybe that's a good thing.

I am struggling now to not binge, I just want to have normal eating habits and not binge or purge or anything unhealthy.

[moe]

Your picture is so cute if that is you.
HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT DAY!!!!! Wow, you exercise for 1 hour. I could only jog for about 30 minutes 6 days a week. I just can't do more than that.

[Raelynn]

Thank you, the picture is of me

I started by exercising 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week. And gradually I've increased it to 60+ minutes a day, at least 5 times a week. I can't wait till summer and I'm going to start jogging.