I apologize if I missed a relationship thread in here somewhere and mods please feel free to move this where ever.
I just graduated college in June and moved back home with my parents for a little while. And I now have a nice finance job. My boyfriend, well now my ex, stayed in school to get his masters degree. We had been together from the first month of my freshman year up until last weekend, almost 6 years.
I went to visit him this past weekend and drove up after work to get there at about 1 am. He promptly informed me that he was taking a job in another state, that he couldn't see himself marrying me, and that we were breaking up... after being together for 6 years.
I am not familiar to break ups. In high school I dated one guy for a bout 3 weeks so this whole situation is new to me. I don't know how to deal with such a loss. I feel like half of me is missing and just have this dull ache in my chest that won't go away.
I don't know how to date or even meet new people outside of college and I am in a city where I dont know many people. I feel like this is the end all be all of my life. Which I know is overdramatic but its how I feel.
I used to be a fixture in the 20-somethings area of the forum and everyone is always so supportive so I would l just like some tips on how to deal with this and to see if anyone else went through something similar.
I am so sorry he treated you so cruelly. Break-ups don't need to be cruel and they certainly don't need to be done at one o'clock in the morning after you've been driving a long way to see someone. That kind of behavior is so cold that most people wouldn't treat an acquaintance that way; shame on him. Serious, major shame on him.
It doesn't feel like it now and it won't feel like it for some weeks or even a few months, but he has done you a HUGE favor. Your life is wide open now--you have your degree, you have a new job that you like, and you have no strings tethering you to a chilly, uncaring man. How much worse if he had married you before you discovered how selfish he was?
Time heals all wounds. You are grieving right now just as surely as if you'd buried someone, but it will fade. You'll probably have to deal with some anger too--and well you should, given his shoddy treatment of you--but your life is only going to improve from this incredibly painful time. Every hour that passes, the shock lessens and hope returns.
Keep going through those hours; fill them with things that make you happy or give you peace. Take long naps and longer baths, go places that he didn't like, re-connect with friends you haven't seen in a while. You have the chance to reassemble your life in ways that you choose now, so spend some time trying new things to find out more about who this unencumbered you might be.
I got coldly and unceremoniously dumped exactly once in my life. It left a scar, but it's a little tiny mark now and gets fainter all the time. Time heals.
Good luck. I hope you heal quickly and fully, and I hope your ex eats his heart out.
I was with a guy once for four years. We even got engaged. Then, a few months before the wedding, he backed out and said that he felt the direction he wants his life to take was different from the one it's headed and he simply couldn't take me with him on that journey. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. When we broke up, I felt that my life was over and I couldn't live another day without him in my life.
I woke up the next day and the day after that, until one morning the pain was just a dull ache in my chest. Fast forward eight years later, and I'm still here. Now I think it was a blessing in disguise that we didn't get married.
So, my point is that life goes on. You grieve now, but the pain will pass sooner than you think. Just breathe, count your blessings and look forward to new opportunities that will come your way. You just got a new job, so that's something to focus on.
I am sorry that you feel like this now, but it will end soon. Hang in there.
First serious boyfriends are usually the first serious break ups. Or at least, a large part of the time. And being first ones... they are usually clumsy.
But don't worry -- you will grieve for a while, because something has ended. Eventually you will feel better and will notice... hey... something else has begun!
You will be able to freely date and explore this next stage of your life.
So take care if you during this processing time. Get sleep, get your work routine settled, eat healthy, etc. Then when you are ready you can step out to explore.
I recently broke up from a 4 year old relashioship, I cried, i screamed , i did a lot of ugly things. In the end, i realised that :
1. He actually gave me the strength to carry on with my wieght loss journey
2. He didnt deserve me anyways
3. Life is full of new paths and people
In the end all i m trying to say, life will continue and you will only become stronger through this situation. You just need time.
Of course you feel like that! You've just ended a period in your life where you knew where you stood, who your friends were and even your love life.
But starting new isn't a bad thing. It is the end of a world, but it doesn't mean it's the end of your life. The nice thing about starting fresh in a new city, with no boyfriend, is that you can really focus on doing the things that you like.
Sure, finding friends is super-important (and a JOB, if you don't have one). Focus on getting that job and start figuring out what you like to do. I have a friend who liked to be in a radio show group. Kind of like theater, but only radio. Speaking of theater, maybe you like to act, you can join an amateur theator troupe. You can take art classes or you can join reading groups or volunteer at an animal shelter and meet people that way.
The idea is that you have to put yourself out there and start making friends. When I've had to "start over" I will tell myself that I have to say "yes" to whatever invitation comes my way, even if I don't feel like doing it or think it's something I don't like or someone I don't like. Because friendships post-college will come from people you meet randomly! My closest friends now are people I met through other friends (who are no longer my friends either!!!!).
It's going to be hard. But you can do it and you'll be back on your feet and you'll be doing great again. Just give it time and start figuring out what you want to do outside work.
I agree with the posters above. You will grieve less and less, think of him less and less, until you are completely over it. While grieving be sure to spend time babying yourself. Eat well, exercise, treat yourself to a new hairdo, massage, pedicure, whatever you feel like. Reconnect with friends and make new ones. I agree that time heals all wounds, and hopefully it wounds all heels, too.
I'm so sorry your going through this. He definatley comes off as a jerk in the way that he did this. You should give yourself time to heal, it may take a while. Don't rush into looking for a new guy too soon. *hugs*
Huge hug. I can't imagine how much that must hurt.
I've always been a firm believer that the heart can be bruised but never broken. It may take months, years, whatever for the bruise to heal, but you will learn to love again. And now that you're freshly single, it's time to focus inward and take selfish actions and only do what YOU want.
There are a lot of great posts in this thread, and so much of what others have said is absolutely in line with my experiences. I love the support of all types that is offered so freely here.
First, that was extremely a$$holish of your boyfriend to break up with you that way. I was PO'd reading that. Feel free to be angry. You're entitled to it. (sorry mods for the barely disguised swearing, but some situations call for it)
Now that I've got that out of my system...
I've been through two break-ups with men I truly loved, and both of them were incredibly hard. It felt like someone close to me had died, and I mourned the loss of those relationships for a long time. I think a little piece of my heart still mourns them, but if those relationships hadn't ended I would never have experience the next things, the next relationships (meeting my husband!), that life had in store for me.
Time, is key. The pain WILL lessen a great deal with time (I promise you that it will), and you will move forward from this. I know how hard it is, the emptiness you feel, and my heart hurts for you right now. Lean on those close to you for support, and seek it out here. Take care of yourself. Do the things that make you happy, whatever those things are. Take up a new hobby that you can use to occupy your mind when you get too down. Give yourself time to heal.
I've had two heartbreaking break-ups. Ones I thought I couldn't recover from. Now I praise the day those two left me... because if they didn't I never would have met the incredible boyfriend, best friend, love of my life that I'm wth now.
It does take time though. Lots of time. Take this time to focus on you. heal and eventually move on. Do not, under any circumstances contact him, that makes things one million times harder. I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling.
First of all, grieve. To get through this without becoming resentful, you need to give yourself permission to be angry, to be wounded, to cry, and to be depressed about it for a while. You'll come out the other side a lot healthier if you allow yourself to fully experience the whole range of emotions.
You *will* get through this, and eventually you'll move on. Concentrate on yourself. Take care of yourself.
Horrible Break Up
