This is from my most recent blog. I thought if you could get through the length, lol, that i might be helpful to some people going through similar things (re: self worth, family issues, getting over past failures, planning for the future)
Things that are changing in my life and what the coming new year brings!:
1.) I am eating healthy and confronting my emotional eating issues in therapy and I have gained more self-esteem in the last near month (and 12 lbs lost) than I did in the 4 months and 70 lbs lost when I did atkins in 2004. I need to continue eating well, exercising, being mindful and breaking down emotional blocks that keep me from eating healthy and being the person I want to be. This change, the first change, was the one that sparked all the rest.
2.) I need to seriously limit my interaction with my family. My sister really is the only person in my family I can stand, she's amazing. Anyhow, I have a barely there relationship with my grandparents these days, (since I came out) which is fine, it's better that way honestly. I need this type of relationship with my mother. I can call once a week and keep timed 20 minute conversations and never ever talk about anything important to me with her, I need to communicate my boundaries to her. This is something I could never do before, because I was so scared of her being mad, or hating me or whatever. But, I don't care anymore. She has sapped that ability to care from me. I am not responsible for her feelings. I mean I"m not going to be MEAN, but if she gets upset because I chose to live my life differently than she does, I don't care. I would like to have more contact with my sister and less with my family in general. Changing my Way of Eating has fostered this attitude, I feel like I have more self worth, and someone with self worth would not allow their family to put them through an emotional wringer the way my family has. I am worth more than their judgments of me. I can see that now. This is the first year I wont' be going home for the holidays. It has as much to do with my staying On Plan and having a healthy holiday at home with my bf who has also changed his way of eating, as it does with other...drama that's going on.
3.) Little successes breed big successes. I am counting every small stride I make as a success. I have always -- ALWAYS -- felt like a failure. These days I feel I can hear it in people's voices, when I have a hope or a dream for my future and they say yeah, good idea, but they are thinking, at least on some level, "let's get ready to chalk up another failure for alicia." That used to bring me down and make me feel like, because no one has hope for me or is proud of me, that I don't deserve a better future. I have always felt like I'm a disappointment to everyone because I have never given a reason for anyone to be proud of me. That stops now. It doesn't matter what anyone else has to say or think about me, and snide remarks or negative tones will roll off my back because I AM DONE trying to do things for other people, I am done putting what I REALLY want on the back burner because other people think I need a 'fall back plan.' As rosie o'donnell said, "If you have a fall back plan, you will fall back." I am doing what I want and need most to make my future, one that *I* can be proud of, everyone else be d@mned.
4.) Speaking of what I really want...I really want to be a writer. That is all I can remember EVER wanting to be. I have written some truly horrible crap over the years, ha, but I have finally, at 30, found my stride. I am currently working on my nano project that is taking every bit of strength and laughter and just every emotion in me to write and I know, since I am putting EVERYTHING into this, that I can make my readers feel it too. I used to tell joey when we were 15, "When we grow up and I'm a rich and famous author I'm going to buy us a house." Then as I got older, and peoples warnings to me about not having my head in the clouds became louder and started to crumble my self confidence, I started saying things like, "Well, I'll be realistic, most writers don't get published." While this is true, it is also true, I am certain, that the ones that do...don't go into it thinking they will fail. You don't write and put your heart and soul into a book thinking "no one will read this" you write it imagining your audience, captive and in tears or laughing along with you and those things do NOT COME without a contract. ha. So, for now on, I am done being 'realstic' (fatalistic?), and going to start dreaming again. "Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon." -- I don't remember who said that. ha.
5.) I'm going to pour myself 100% into my book starting in January. I will be saving money to pay for editing through scribendi.com who is highly recommended, before that though I'll use the autocrit site to brush up my manuscript so that when I send it for editing I can at least be sure I am sending my very best work, also, it will make it less difficult for them and less emotionally taxing for me seeing my manuscript bleeding with 'red ink' . ha. There is a writers conference IN PITTSBURGH in May, I plan to be done with my book, my proposal and have a pitch ready and I"m going to go and do workshops and network and meet editors and agents and pitch my book and hope for the best, I deserve the best anyhow.
6.) I'm going to start traveling. This book I'm writing is fiction, but is packed with stories and people and things inspired by my life and I have been BROKE so long that I have been feeling stagnant and I haven't made any new really interesting memories, well, some, ha, but, not many, in the last almost 6 years. In some ways I have lost a big part of who I was. Most of my stories in my head are about the crazy things I did when I was crazy, or in some part inspired by them. Now, I have this whole new life and I REALLY want to make memories and write things about how I interact with the world from this new perspective of stability and strength. I can't go far, I don't have much money, but thanks to megabus and greyhound, and friends with friends and family hotel discounts, I can get around most of the midwest and the east coast fairly cheaply and easily. I plan to visit Columbus, Philly, NYC, D.C, maybe when I lose weight and am less scared of the embarrassment of flying I can go further south and see Atlanta and the Carolinas. I'm going to go, and find out who I have become. Time to test the waters.
7.)This one is small and far less ranty, by the end of 2010 I will be out of debt (save for student loans). I won't be well off by any means, but...I will be more free financially, and it's going to open worlds up to me.
8.) I plan to love myself. Since I moved away from home, I have let my family emotionally abuse me and keep me held mentally hostage. I left home at 18 and I am now 30. I do not accept the way they "love" me. I just don't anymore. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt, and would repeat that quote to myself over the years, "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best they know how." I can accept that for them, this is true, but now, I am strong enough to re-evaluate that and say, "Yes, they love me the best they know how, but it isn't enough." I would NOT let a friend or significant other treat me the way they do, and just because they are family, is not reason enough to put up with the things I have over the years. I am FINALLY standing up for myself, and I have never felt better. I have people in my life, my bf, my close friends, my sister, who all believe in me and encourage me and love me no matter how many times I have failed, and none of my failures has ever been a 'disappointment' to them. They have always looked at one failure (or end of something) as the beginning of something else, and that is how I need to look at it now too. I would rather fail at something I love and gave my all to than be great at something that was not fulling to me. I started to love myself on Oct 19th when I came back to spark for the first time (in any serious way) in a long time. I don't need to worry anymore about what "some" people say to/about me, that they think I'm a failure, they can think that, I haven't given them a reason not to, all I can do is say this is for me, finally, something in my life just for me. This very small and sacred thing and no one can take it away with negativity or discouragement. Because I will be deaf to those things, if someone isn't going to be encouraging, then what does what they have to say matter at all? I am not hearing it. I am loving myself and treating myself well and that is the most important thing. Finally, I am making myself a priority. *I* am the most important thing.
p.s I'm sure some of you are wondering how I plan to be a writer with the horrific grammar I showcased above,
BUT>>>> I do have bad grammar and when I blog I tend to write in the way that I'm thinking, it all come so fast, so lots of commas and ...
I don't plan on sending a book out like this, don't worry.
The Most Important Thing (novel length!)
