A long time ago, when I realized I had binges issues, I tried to get help. I saw a few different people, but because I was a healthy weight and seemed and looked normal (whatever that means) they didn’t believe that I needed help. They judged me incorrectly as not having a problem and couldn’t see how much I was struggling and how much I needed support. They were dismissive, and almost disdainful towards me. And afterwards I felt even worse and more alone than I had before I’d tried to reach out.
I’ve sometimes wondered over the years, if they had tried to be supportive and helpful, instead of deciding that I didn’t need or deserve to be helped because they couldn’t see enough evidence of my struggle, and had misjudged what I was going through, how things might have been different for me. Maybe I would not have ended up where I ended up. I’m not suggesting that I have no personal responsibility here and that it’s all up to other people, only that when someone needs support and reaches out for it and doesn’t get it, there can been far-reaching negative effects, on progress, health, and self-esteem.
This has been on my mind lately because binge issues have and do play an important role in my weight and health. I gained from binges, and when I have lost weight or am successfully losing, it is the binge issues that can be undoing. And it's just got me remembering times when I've reached out and ended up feeling more alone and ultimately not getting help.
I’m wondering if any of you have ever experienced something like this. Was there ever a time when you needed help and support (not just for binge issues), and tried to get it, and had people judge you incorrectly and not offer support? It could be help from anyone, a significant other, a friend or family member. Maybe someone who thought you had it all together and saw you as stronger than you were, saw you as the giver, the helper, the motivator, instead of someone who had needs yourself. If so, did it affect your progress or self-esteem? What did you end up doing to try to get your needs met?
And I’m also wondering the opposite. Have any of you ever judged someone else unfairly, thinking that they had everything under control even though they were reaching out for help, and then not offered support? What was it that eventually allowed you to see that they needed help too?
Thanks in advance to anyone able/willing to share any experiences or insights.
This is me everday in life with my friends, & family. I am always being told that I don't understand people because they are not built like me. What the helll does that mean? I am 200 and some odd pounds,working in a job where I am not even completely halfway fulfilled in...in love with a man who is not my equal in any way and have had no significant adventure or any thing special in my life since gaining said weight but to everyone else...I have it all. I convince myself to lean on myself most days and thats probably why I haven't really focused on losing my weight as I should but now I say bump the naysayers and am reaching out to people like you to tell you I understand and I'm ready to be understood.
I convince myself to lean on myself most days and thats probably why I haven't really focused on losing my weight as I should but now I say bump the naysayers and am reaching out to people like you to tell you I understand and I'm ready to be understood.
Thank you, Peacebunny. It means a lot to hear back from somone who has experienced similar things. I love what you said above.
I have read/heard things about how sometimes people who are "caregivers" of sorts by nature, and who are perceived as not having needs of their own, can sometimes be more prone to gaining weight and having trouble losing it.
I have really been wondering about this lately, and what it is that might make someone seem to others like they don't need help, even when they think they are asking for help. I've been wondering if this is somehow playing a role for me, like that if you are or feel "invisible" and like you don't have needs or don't have your needs seen, then sometimes you don't get the care and help that would make the difference, and you can spend most of your time and effort helping others while fading into the background yourself.
So I just wanted to see if anyone else had similar situations in their lives, to see if I could learn from others who've been through it.
Thank you! And I'm glad to see you here and reaching out to connect with others, too.
I go either way on things depending
on the situation.
I use to cut myself A LOT in 7th grade
and I kept telling people I didn't need
a counselor- that I'd be fine on my own
and when I come to realize that I needed
to stop. It just frustrated me more having
people try to help. And eventually, once I
met my fiancé, I stopped on my own. Like
cold turkey. After 1 year of cutting I quit
just like that because he wanted me to and
I cared for him THAT MUCH that I stopped.
Don't get me wrong, I cared for everyone
else trying to help, but it just took HIM to
help me quit. It still confuses me today.
However, whenever my friend has another
relationship problem she comes crying to
me about it. I don't mind helping her, but
whenever I need someone to talk to about
things she's never there for me. But I'm
definitely not the person to just quit on her
because she won't help me. I don't know,
I get taken advantage of a lot and I've gotten
use to it- as horrible as it sounds.
I reached out to my father for love constantly, but he was always busy and never there.
I reached out to my mother for comfort, but she was too involved in her own sorrows to think mine were worth anything.
I was abused as a teen, and then told by my own family that I "asked for it" because I didn't say no when all I wanted was for them to come to my rescue.
I've had eating disorders/disordered eating problems since I was 11 (COE, BED, Bulimia and Anorexia), and only got help once when I was literally wasting away. Otherwise I was dismissed because I was outwardly "normal".
I ran away twice as a teenager, and instead of being there for me when I returned home my two best friends completely abandoned me and refused to talk to me for reasons only known to them.
So yeah, I've been through things like that. I've been working lately on going back and working through those issues, because when they happened I locked them up inside and didn't acknowledge them or the pain they caused for years. These people aren't the reason I'm fat, but I think the situations, the wanting and needing for understanding without receiving it has something to do with the way I eat and think about food (which IS why I'm fat).
I'm don't know if I've ever judged someone unfairly, but I'm sure it's happened because we all judge. Even when we don't know whats going on behind the curtains. I certainly don't mean to though.
(((hugs))) to you. I hope you can work through your feelings and come out on the other side better for the experience.
once I met my fiancé, I stopped on my own. Like cold turkey. After 1 year of cutting I quit just like that because he wanted me to and I cared for him THAT MUCH that I stopped. Don't get me wrong, I cared for everyone else trying to help, but it just took HIM to help me quit. It still confuses me today.
Thanks Sierra, I appreciate hearing about your experience. It sounds like you have an amazing connection with your fiance, which is a true blessing. I'm so glad that you were able to overcoming the cutting, and to acheive your weight loss goals. As for your friend, I wonder if in some cases people just don't know how to give or be there for others, and when we find ourselves dealing with that we end up in an unbalanced situation. These are things I am trying to figure out, if it's that, or if people just read incorrectly when we need help, or maybe it's a little of both.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Latchkey Princess
I've been working lately on going back and working through those issues, because when they happened I locked them up inside and didn't acknowledge them or the pain they caused for years. These people aren't the reason I'm fat, but I think the situations, the wanting and needing for understanding without receiving it has something to do with the way I eat and think about food.
Thanks LatchkeyPrincess, I really appreciate you sharing what you've been through. My heart goes out to you. I know what you mean on the "outwardly normal" thing. What you said above really resonates with me, so thank you for that. I think I am realizing that I'm going to have to do some excavation of past experiences along this journey, or I am going to miss something important and/or get stuck. It looks like you are making your way successfully through this, which is wonderful.
Its hard being a caregiver to others because you will never be able to let down your wall to cry, be weak or just be yourself because they always want you to put your needs before theirs.
I take of my family, I am always helping people with something, my mom lives with me because she allowed herself to be used by others with that heaven in the sky crap. ALways taking care of outsiders and whoevers with no thoughts to her own needs or rent.
My man isn't abusive or anything, he just doesn't have my vison, my drive or ambition to live on a higher plateau in life. I feel like I am constantly staying contained for his mental stability because he was raised by a drug-addicted mom who didn't give him proper nurturing so I provide it as well as common sense advice because everything that makes sense isn't commonly known.
I help my siblings by helping them to achieve higher job goals and life goals by educating, providing backbone for their kids and my friends by being there for them and their never-ending social drama filled lives.
But I don't take vacations, I don't ask for help when I need it, I don't cry and most importantly I don't lose WEIGHT even though I carry an abundance all over PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY.
I have been told over and over when I say that people don't try hard enough to get the things I have that everyone doesn't have your drive or willpower so I am supposed to feel sympathy for the person that can work but won't work or look for work, for the parent that has a child but takes care of their needs more than the childs because they have their own issues they can tend to before their childs, or the people who freeload because its easier than working to get their own.
I am mad because I chose to do the right thing by avoiding all these things but I seem to get the short end of the stick because even though I hate all of these types...I help them if I know them because I am loyal to everyone but my body. SO I fill it with garbage that I call food because I am hungry and lack willpower when I need it. There is always that 1 piece of cake that calls me, or the bag of candy that someone gave me or soda when water is in my face. So I lean on myself and a piece of food for comfort.
The only thing good about being me is being me. I say this because even though no one understands when I hurt, having a good sense of self has allowed me to keep it together when no one is listening and not to indulge in self-destructive habits worse than my love of food. I hope talking to 3CF members will eventually remove that habit as well and put me into a completely healthy space. Cause at the end of the day I am still an ETERNAL OPTIMIST and yes, I believe I can have it all...UNTIL SOMEONE PROVES ME WRONG...
One thing I have seen and learned over time is that while friends and family may be well meaning (or not...), it is always best to seek out an objective professional. I know a lot of women here are in the US and can't afford that, but awareness of free social services for eating disorders (binging, anorexia), domestic violence, depression, self-harming, etc. do exist. I worked in social services for a number of years and found that there are a huge array of sources that the average person wouldn't know about. You can just call a crisis line for the list.
I see this at work all the time (I now work in law enforcement), family and friends often just can't see objectively that someone has a problem, whether it is drugs or depression or whatever. They keep remembering the person before they had a problem and think that it isn't a big deal, that it will go away, or just be plain dismissive - denial?
It gets even worse when that person reaches out and gets shot down (as some of you have already said from your own experience). My advice is to seek outside help from those who are trained to recognize real issues and who will not judge you for what you were, but see you for what you are NOW
When I was about 10 years old, I went to the parents of my best friend and told them about the abuse going on in my family. They didn't believe me. They simply said to me "You are such a nice girl. We can't imagine your parents doing anything wrong. It must be your imagination."
In those days, people didn't talk about their problems the way they do now. Even if my friend's parents had wanted to help me, it was taboo back then to interfere with someone else's family.
From then on . . . I never, ever dismissed anything anyone ever told me about their own situation.
Latchkey Princess: I'm so sorry for what you went through. I can very much relate to your story. I wish that I could find words to ease your pain.
Last edited by doingmybest; 08-09-2010 at 06:11 PM.
Thank you all so much for your responses and sharing, it's really meant a lot to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peacebunny
I don't ask for help when I need it
Peacebunny, I am trying to work on better communicating my needs and letting them be seen as well. I think I may have stopped doing that somewhere along the way after not having things go well when I did ask for help a long time ago.
Since you seem to be a caregiver in your life, it's good that you're here connecting with others and getting the understanding and support to help you on your weight loss journey. Hang in there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sacha
It gets even worse when that person reaches out and gets shot down (as some of you have already said from your own experience). My advice is to seek outside help from those who are trained to recognize real issues and who will not judge you for what you were, but see you for what you are NOW
Sacha, thank you, this is good advice. I think I need to keep trying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by doingmybest
When I was about 10 years old, I went to the parents of my best friend and told them about the abuse going on in my family. They didn't believe me. They simply said to me "You are such a nice girl. We can't imagine your parents doing anything wrong. It must be your imagination."
Doingmybest, I am so sorry for what you went through, being told that something is your imagination, ie isn't real, can be a horrible experience.
Just talking to you guys is therapeutic and helping me start the path to releasing unhealthy baggage in my life in addition to jump starting my weight loss. I hope reading and talking with you and other 3FC members can be inspiring for someone else who may need it.
Getting The Support Needed To Succeed
As for your friend, I wonder if in some cases people just don't know how to give or be there for others, and when we find ourselves dealing with that we end up in an unbalanced situation. These are things I am trying to figure out, if it's that, or if people just read incorrectly when we need help, or maybe it's a little of both.
I know what you mean on the "outwardly normal" thing. What you said above really resonates with me, so thank you for that. I think I am realizing that I'm going to have to do some excavation of past experiences along this journey, or I am going to miss something important and/or get stuck. It looks like you are making your way successfully through this, which is wonderful. 
