Alright so I want to know what you guys think about this. Me and my bf argued for an hour last night over the stupidest subject. I told him that I went tanning the other day and he said not to go again. I already paid for the month so I am not going to lose that money. I already know that you have a higher chance of skin cancer, I can respect that part where he doesn't want me to go again, however the rest of his argument was just absurd to me. He said that I am vain for wanting to go, and that he doesn't want a girlfriend that is like all the other girls that go to tanning salons. I'm sorry but I am not vain, and all sorts of other people go to tan. Not just skinny bimbos. Then he went on to say that it is an issue of character and that I am not being responsible because I want to get darker. He then went on to ask what kind of person I would look like to my future kids if they saw that mommy goes tanning. I told him I don't have kids so I am not worried about that now. He said that I am wrong because I don't want to be responsible now and will stop and be responsible when I have a kid. He even had the nerve to say that if I have a son and he's me going tanning that he'll turn out gay. Wth. And I have two tattoos, he said that I've pretty much already taken my kids out to get tattoos because I have them! I got them when I was 18 and not responsible, I'm not a teenager anymore. He was talking down to me the whole time like he is better than me and like he never does anything wrong. Then he went on to say that if I go tanning again then it is a dealbreaker. We've been together a year already, and he would break up for me if I tan! I think that is a little over the top. I mean we aren't even married and he is telling me what I can and can't do to my own body. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Well I am sorry for putting my honest opinion here but: The tanning thing is almost understandable bc there are health risks, and there is a certain stereo-type that goes with tanning (not saying that you would ever fit it). But he conclusions about what you would do to your future children are the most insane thing I have ever heard! And the tattoo thing is the worst! You obviously had them when you started dating him, and now he has a problem? What a cad! Don't let him sass you like that!
I don't think tanning is a good idea due to health risks. But yep, as a teen and even into my 20's, I tanned.
I would never allow another to make decisions for me. I have been married 17 years and I would not allow my husband to dictate what I did or didn't do. Sorry, that's not the way I roll. I also would not deal with someone threatening to breakup with me or leave me. If they threaten me, they are as good as gone.
I know I sound like a heartless, cold, tainted woman. I am truly not. I just know what works and doesn't. Or at least I am absolutely convinced I do.
ETA: Perhaps its me but the entire discussion sounds really immature. Sorry, this is just MHO.
Last edited by Thighs Be Gone; 03-04-2010 at 10:22 AM.
He's clearly panic attacking beyond belief and blowing up a minor disagreement/opinion into a HUGE deal. The long and short of it is that this isn't his decision.
I understand the health concerns behind tanning. That being said, there are a LOT of things that can increase your risk of getting cancer. Does your boyfriend use a cell phone? Does he freak out on you if you drink diet sodas with aspartame in them? It's possible that he's illogically singling out this one health risk because he doesn't like the idea of you getting tanned.
In my opinion, he's blowing this way out of proportion. It is your body, it is your life, and while you can respect his opinion, I see no reason for you to not go again "because he says so." The bulk of the continued argument tho, about kids, and vanity, and irresponsibility... it just seems like the manifestation of him trying to back up his argument to convince you, but really just becoming somewhat illogical.
And in my opinion, there is a very big difference between someone who goes tanning every once in a while to get a little bit of colour (I'm translucent I'm so white, so I get it) and the "bimbos" he's referring to who are dark brown in February with bleach blonde hair.
Edit: Also Thighs Be Gone, I'm going to both agree AND disagree with you.
I think that him threatening to break up with her over it is RIDICULOUS, and unacceptable. But I think that even the most sane and good significant others... can make moronic mistakes. If he's been like this a lot before, and is often illogical and tries to control her decisions, and threatens to end things.... then yes. I say "get the **** out, while you still can!" However... if he's just panicking and being an idiot over this one thing... hopefully things can be resolved, and he can calm the **** down.
While I will say he should not be telling you what you can and can't do (and he sounds like a jerk,) tanning is one of the stupidest things I can think of. In 2005 almost 54,000 people in the US developed melanomas with most of those cases caused by UV exposure. I mean you might not necessarily die from it, only 8,345 did that year, but your skin will look wrinkly, spotty, and old. Not to mention what you could catch from a tanning bed. I had a friend end up with a nasty staph infection from tanning while she had a cut. I just feel if you are tanning to look good, you might as well start smoking to lose weight.
Tell him where to stick it...threatening to break up with you over tanning? I mean...seriously? You know the risks and as an adult you're willing to take them. It's the beauty of living in a free society and having the choice to do things you choose to do. It's not illegal to tan, no matter what month it is. In fact, around here tanning places are running specials so people can get tan in time for tank top and shorts weather (it's Texas - that happens here sooner than other places). I have friends who tan year-round, and they don't fit into whatever type of stereotype he's afraid of.
One IS the mother of a three year old, and he's seen no ill effects from her tanning. On her own time. Without him.
He's in a panic over future kids you may or may not ever have...Seems to me there's more to it. Maybe he's insecure about your relationship. Happens to a lot of men and women when their significant others lose weight.
But for me the ultimatum would be IT. If he gets away with it now, he'll use it again. I've been there.
You're a better person than me ... had he said that to me and then followed it up with the homophobic and ignorant comment I would've then proceeded to systematically and psychologically break him down and make him feel like he was about 2 feet tall... then given him the bird and told him to get the **** out of my house and not to show his face around me again.
Yeah, I have a temper.... and it is ONE thing to be concerned and express concern, HOWEVER... when you dictate to me what I can and cannot do.... SEE YA, A$$HOLE!
i think its a really scary sign if he's being so controlling about something so small in the beginning of a relationship.. i hate to be this honest, but you seem like a nice lady and a good person and deserve a happy relationship. i would take it as a signifier that you should watch his behavior and make sure that he won't end up someone who will try to control you in all aspects...
i don't think that tanning ever once in a while is a big deal. i tan very easily in the sun and there is no way for me to avoid that. so i dont see any difference between me in the sun and you in a tanning bed.. we're both going to end up with the same amount of melanin.
I do agree that tanning elevates your risk for skin cancer...it's unnecessary exposure of UV rays. But him bring in the kid factor and threatening to break up with you is a bit...insane. It's one thing to make a reasonable point, but it's another thing to bring out any resource you can think of.
Ok, so I'm just going to put out there that I don't agree with tanning. It's unhealthy, damages your skin, puts you at a higher risk for skin cancer, and if you really want some color the safe way, there are all sorts of gradual color lotions that are out there, that are for this exact purpose.
That being said. Your boyfriend sounds an awful lot like someone that I dated for 2 years in college, and let me just say that I will NEVER EVER regret the fact that the two of us broke up. He was extremely controlling(didn't approve of my partying with my SORORITY SISTERS!!), judgemental, and mean. He would also dangle the I'll break up with you if you do (insert stupid thing here) on a regular basis. I finally got to a point where I just didn't feel like myself anymore, because I was constantly trying to get his approval, but being constantly verbally beaten down for my "past mistakes".
I would take a hard look at your relationship, and see if he has a pattern of doing this. If so, get out now, while you still can.
It took me over a year to regain any resemblance of self-esteem, and during that year, my weight skyrocketed. I know that it sucks to have dated someone for a year, and just find out that he can be like this, but if he's like this about something as small as tanning into this big of a deal, I would start to look at his past(and future) behaviors to see if it's time to cut the strings.
The tanning issue aside - I'm against tanning beds but I do appreciate laying in the sun - I do NOT appreciate being told what to do. To mirror what others have said, he seems to be slightly too controlling and if he's flipping out about this (and wtf with what he said about your tattoos and turning your son gay) he's liable to do much worse things later on.
I tan. I don't think I fit into any type of "sterotypical tanner". I understand there are health risks, but there is also a health risk when I walk out of my house and get into my car.I like having a tan, give me a break. I think people who don't tan, will have all the reasons in the world why you shouldn't. Do what you want to do for you, let everyone else do their thing.
While I think he's completely overreacting, I personally am against tanning. My mom used to go tanning before she went on vacation about ten years ago and *I* think I turned out okay. I know there are health risks and it's fine for him to voice his concerns about your health with regards to tanning but I think he's going to far bringing your future children into this. Also, I got a tattoo when I was 20 and had lived abroad alone for two years and matured far beyond everyone who stayed at home, so I don't believe having a tattoo is irresponsible. I think it's only irresponsible if you got something out of peer pressure or if you were drunk at the time.
As far as tanning is concerned, it's your body and you can do what you like as long as you are aware of the risks involved (which you seem to be). That said, a little bit of tanning as long as you don't make it a regular thing, is probably not going to hurt anything - except your relationship.
Your boyfriend sounds quite controlling and like he's making a mountain out of a molehill here. Are you sure there's nothing else going on with him at the moment that might inspire him to make such comments? If this is a typical thing, I agree with some of the other ladies and I'd perhaps reconsider your relationship, not your temporary tanning situation. I know I have no place commenting on it but if he behaves like this over something that seems quite insignificant, I can't imagine what he'd do if you were arguing/discussing something far more important.
I had a boyfriend like this once. I *mentioned* that I was interested in taking a semester abroad and he flipped out and "broke up with me" (came around an hour later, but at that point the damage was done). I didnt get a brochure, didnt sign up for anything, nothing. I said, "Oh a semester abroad looks cool I think I wanna do one of those"..and he FREAKED OUT! Needless to say I was over it at that point for the most part, so his "breakup" more or less backfired on him..but still, I HATE being told what to do by a sig other.
OT Tanning=dealbreaker?
