While I think he was out of line - I can also appreciate that during fights things escalate and people say things they don't necessarily mean and there are always two sides to every story. I think he was certainly wrong - but I don't think that being upset about what could be seen as a drastic change of character, and worry about your wellbeing (which apparently exploded in to just nonsense)- should be taken as controlling and threatening without more insight.
One can only hope he'll never be a parent to a gay child. But if he does, I'm sure he'll find something the mother did to blame it on.
I think you could work out the suntanning issue, in itself. What is freako about him is the way he flips out into la-la land. Do you really want every disagreement to be like this? Because it will, once he sees that it works.
this guy really doesnt sound like someone I would want to plan to spend the rest of my life with O_o Seriously? Tanning might make your kids gay? I would have dumped him on the spot
Thanks ladies for all of your input. I know about all the health risks involoved, the thing is my bf barely touched on that, his whole thing was about me being vain.
He apologized to me about the whole situation, however I am still pretty mad at him. This is the first time in our relationship we have had an argument over something so stupid.
I have to go to work now, however I will try and respond more later. Thanks again ladies.
You're a better person than me ... had he said that to me and then followed it up with the homophobic and ignorant comment I would've then proceeded to systematically and psychologically break him down and make him feel like he was about 2 feet tall... then given him the bird and told him to get the **** out of my house and not to show his face around me again.
Yeah, I have a temper.... and it is ONE thing to be concerned and express concern, HOWEVER... when you dictate to me what I can and cannot do.... SEE YA, A$$HOLE!
You and I would make great friends, because I was thinking the same thing when I read the OP.
Just to throw my hat into the ring: I understand his concern for the tanning. I have never tanned and never would but that's based on a personal choice. It's all individual choice and he has no right to try and scare or threaten you out of making your own choice.
First of all - Don't Tan! protect your skin! Secondly- what the heck! What kind of a guy says those sort of things? Maybe he was concerned with the health risks associated with tanning but the homophobic comments and the comments about children you don't even have and assumptions about your mothering skills? that is unacceptable!
I'm not going to call your boyfriend a jerk, because there may have been more to the situation that I know (ie - he had a bad day, you were arguing over something else recently that wasn't resolved, his blood sugar was low - seriously, my number one rule with my hubs and my friends is "if i get grumpy, feed me, it means my blood sugar is down.") But it really sounds like he has some misconceptions about you.
I tan. There, I said it. But guess what? I am an intelligent, accomplished, well-spoken woman and tanning has not affected me into being a "dumb blonde". If he is worried about the health risks give him this bit of info. There is little increased risk of cancer if you keep the tanning to under 10 minutes a week. And there ARE benefits. The exposure gives you Vitamin D, and where I live there is very little sunlight for about half the year, and it is scientifically proven that a deprivation of sunlight can have a severe impact on a persons mental health.
About that other jazz, well, I have tattoos as well. I'm sure you won't disown your (future) children if they get tattoos, but at the same time I'm sure you won't be carting them to the tattoo parlor at age 12. You're not going to turn your son gay no matter what you do, if he's gay he's gay (personal opinion).
It looks to me like you need to do some soul searching as to whether or not this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. I know we all have our moments where we aren't exactly lovable and maybe a little stupid, but reacting with an ultimatum about tanning seems a little harsh to me. Whatever you decide to do, we'll be here for you.
Following your boyfriends logic, I'm a lesbian because my father tanned too much? I mean, if you're going to turn a potential son gay by tanning, that could be the only logical outcome. Both of my parents haven't tanned a day in their life; i'm so utterly confused by the connection to a child's sexual orientation being related to the mother's tanning time.
For the record, I think that your boyfriend just inaccurately expressed his feelings. Some people truly do feel really strongly about certain things and it IS a deal breaker. What worries me more is the way he approached it. Telling you flat out that its "bad", "wrong" and makes you a morally incorrect person just isn't cool. Being concerned for someone's well-being is admirable, when approached from a loving, gentle way. But having a blow-out because your actions take you away from what he deems ideal...whats going to be next?
I am not one to say "dump him" over every little thing, but it looks like you two have some huge differences in values that you may want to take into consideration. Of course, if this is just a fun relationship, that may not be important, but most people are looking for something long term, and major disagreements about these kinds of things can make a relationship very difficult indeed.
Regarding the boyfriend, I see his point. I think he got carried away. Is he normally like this? Or is this a first occurrence?
I used to smoke, and my fiance hated it. He got me to quit by saying that we can't continue in our relationship unless I quit. I thank God every day that I quit. he's obviously concerned for you and has an ideal image of who you are, someone who is healthy and isn't superficial. Someone who wouldn't do something as stupid as tanning. My fiance had that image of me, too, and I'm glad I quit smoking for him. I would talk to him about it and ask why he got so angry over it. He probably lost someone close to him because of skin cancer. My fiance's mother died from smoking.
And there ARE benefits. The exposure gives you Vitamin D, and where I live there is very little sunlight for about half the year, and it is scientifically proven that a deprivation of sunlight can have a severe impact on a persons mental health.
They do have supplements for that, you know. You don't have to risk getting cancer in order to get your vitamin D.
I tan also...but this is a periodic thing. Once I get where I want to be I stop and maintain from being outside during the summer. I do think tanning can be very harmful for those who do it every day for months, and years, etc...but I don't think it's right to judge those of us who want to get a little color...most of us are aware of the risk.
For your boyfriend to suggest all that craziness that could come from tanning was outrageous! I might be going out on a limb here, but my first thought was that maybe this argument was a precursor to something else...as in, he's got something else going on in his head and the tanning thing was like the straw to break the camel's back, or the easier thing to argue over rather than the underlying issue.
I only say that because I myself have picked fights with my ex husband over dumb things that didn't matter at all, but that wasn't really what I was angry over, it was other things that I hadn't even dealt with yet.
Either way, I'm glad he apologized but I hope you continue to do what YOU want to do, regardless of his threat to break up with you...stand up for yourself and your right to do what you please with your body.
Lol I'm sorry for the late response. Again, ladies, thank you for your responses.
Everything is good now. My boyfriend is normally not like that, nor is he controlling. We discussed the topic more thoroughly and he realized that he was out of line with a lot of the things that he said, especially the comment about how my children would end up. I started crying when we discussed that and told him the way he spoke to me about all of that he would be an even worse role model for a child if he had all of those kind of opinions about different people. I mean I'm sure all of you with children teach them to be accepting of all people, what he said was not appropriate and very hurtful.
