I've been trying to lose weight for a couple of years now, and am finally dedicated (lost 9 lbs in the past 3 weeks. woot woot!) to it. However, I have this friend from back home who is basically in denial of her weight. I'm worried for her health-wise, and I've noticed that she's gained more weight in the past couple of years. In the past I tried offering her tips on foods to eat, but she kept making excuses, like "Oh, my mom won't buy that" or "If I buy it my brother will eat it." I know that she's either diabetic right now or is on the road to diabetes. What do you say to a friend who won't really listen or take your advice? It kind of saddens me because she doesn't seem to want to lose weight or listen. So do you just let it go or say something else?
You can only control yourself. Just as you had to be ready in your own mind to loose the weight, Your friend will have to come to that place for herself.
I have a very very good friend in the upper 350 lb range, and tried and true - there's absolutely nothing you can do to encourage a healthier change in life style. Your friend has to make that choice for herself in her own time. And it's very, very hard to sit by and watch and wait for that epiphany of change to come, when you're already on your own way toward healthier living. Hang in there, and maybe lead by example.
I'm just worried that her health problems will get worse. You're right though, I should just focus in myself, and hopefully I'll lose more by Christmas when i'll hopefully see her again, and hopefully she'll realize that it's not that hard. Thanks for the reply.
My sister is the same way - Roughly close to 300 lbs... She refuses to admit that she's that heavy. She won't do anything about it. I'm scared she'll either die by the time she's 35, or even have a heart attack by the time she's 30. (She's 27 now)... She won't admit, she's just going to get bigger and bigger. Her legs are huge, she doesn't exercise, she drinks pepsi like it's water... Daily a 2 L bottle to herself a day. My mom and I are very worried, but she won't do anything about it. You can only worry about yourself regardless how hard it is to watch someone else live their life in denial. Hope and pray they'll seek help sooner rather then later.
no matter how much you want to help, if your friend doesnt want to lose weight she wont....
we all know that weight loss has got to be done for ourselves and no one else....
all you can do is be there to offer support for when/if she decides its the route she wants to take....
i agree with everyone else- but maybe when she sees your progress and all the cool fun you can have now with your friends she will think again. All you can do is support her when/if she comes to that decision
But don't assume she isn't noticing your changes. She might not change until next year, or longer than that, but you may still be the major influence that eventually helps her start moving.
I also believe in not sugar coating the truth. I don't think it does anyone a favor. That does *not* mean being pushy or rude or insensitive. Just straightforward, truthful or factual if her weight / health does come up in some way.
For a close loved one, I think it's good to at least once make sure they know that you're willing to help in any way you can. I know I would be privileged to go out of my way and spend time if it helped someone I loved. That's what love is. Then you drop it and let them choose for themselves when they're ready.
Once, after I had my second baby, my best friend came to visit me and she told me that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but that I really need to stop gaining. She said not to worry about losing at the moment (my baby was very sick and crying almost around the clock and I wasn't sleeping hardly at all for a very long time), but to just stop gaining. Well, it DID hurt my feelings and I did NOT want to hear it from her. She ended up having some babies of her own and now, she's VERY heavy. Her and I talk weight loss all the time, but I'll never forget how painful her remark was at the time. I felt like she kicked me when I was down, even though I know she wanted what was best for me...but there's no nice way of telling someone that they're very fat.
I have a close friend who is also very overweight; I started taking my weight problem seriously back in 2004 and after I lost 75-80lbs, met my fiance, traveled to Italy all in the same year, I could tell she was a bit jealous. I tried to drop hints about how she could start losing weight too; I invited her to go to the gym with me, researched some gyms in her area, etc. It all fell on deaf ears; she wasn't interested. And I never offered this advice in an offensive "C'mon fatty -- get off your @ss" kind of way, or in a "I'm thinner now so I know whats best for you way" but always in a "We chubby girls need to get it together; let's do this thing and be weightloss buddies" kind of way.
Just recently, she got engaged and has started nutrisystem and has lost some weight so far (20 lbs.). I'm happy for her, but I still feel the need to give her advice -- workout, even if the weight is coming off just by eating the Nutrisystem meals, don't rely on those meals too much, weight train, etc etc. I even suggested some of my favorite workout DVDs, etc. I hope she will take this advice, if not now, then at least eventually.
I think, at least based on this experience, that people need to make changes like this in their own time; I'd been pressured by everyone under the sun to lose weight all throughout grammar school and high school, but I never lost an ounce til I was ready to do it. In hindsight, of course I wish I had done it sooner, but I wasn't ready.
What I've also learned is that weight is SUCH a touchy subject for so so so many people; even people who KNOW they are obese refuse to ackowledge that out loud (a lot of times). I used to be that way; I'd recoil at any mention of my weight or anything having to do with body size. Does this friend ever mention weight to you? Does she say, "Wow, I wish I could lose weight" or does she not say anything about her weight? If the former, I think you can definitely offer her advice and that she's being totally silly if she doesn't accept that advice. But if it's the latter -- she probably not even ready to admit that she has a weight problem and all your good advice is pretty useless to her.
What I've also learned is that weight is SUCH a touchy subject for so so so many people; even people who KNOW they are obese refuse to ackowledge that out loud (a lot of times). I used to be that way; I'd recoil at any mention of my weight or anything having to do with body size. Does this friend ever mention weight to you? Does she say, "Wow, I wish I could lose weight" or does she not say anything about her weight? If the former, I think you can definitely offer her advice and that she's being totally silly if she doesn't accept that advice. But if it's the latter -- she probably not even ready to admit that she has a weight problem and all your good advice is pretty useless to her.
I think that's pretty true. Someone who seems in denial about their weight & health probably is not. They are very likely very aware of it. They just cannot talk about it.
That realization -- that I would just keep expanding and getting fatter and fatter -- is what finally knocked sense into me and made me start taking my weight seriously. I realized after a dr visit in 2003 (when I was 19) that I was basically gaining 10lbs a year, steadily, which meant that unchecked I would be over 300lbs by the time I was 25. Anxiety took me over and I started my lifestyle change almost immediately after that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by albertagirl11
She won't admit, she's just going to get bigger and bigger.
Yep -- I was always very aware of how big I was, but I didn't like to talk about it or admit it out loud; I figured if I kept my knowledge and opinion of my fatness to myself, other people would too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieJ08
I think that's pretty true. Someone who seems in denial about their weight & health probably is not. They are very likely very aware of it. They just cannot talk about it.
I felt like she kicked me when I was down, even though I know she wanted what was best for me...but there's no nice way of telling someone that they're very fat.
I do know how that feels, my parents get on my case as well as my doctor. The only thing that upset me is that my parents didn't stop bugging me. But now I realize that they got on my case is because they cared about me and didn't want me to get diabetes or other serious diseases.
But you had a *baby* and two babies at that! That's a lot of stress on a woman's body.
Last edited by sunflowergirl68; 08-03-2008 at 08:50 PM.
How to help a friend in denial?
Hope and pray they'll seek help sooner rather then later.
