[Jenniffer]

Some ppl who go through hard times such as a divorce, will lose weight. My ex husband dropped about 60 lbs when we seperated. I finally weighed myself this morning. Weighing in at a nice steady 220 lbs. How did I let this happen? I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to go to my ex and shove a twinkie down his throat! That's a 30 lb gain since I seperated. First it was 10, then 15 and now am up to a 30 lbs gain. Only 30 more lbs and I will be at my all time high.

Why oh why did I do this? It took me forever to get down to 188 and I was feeling wonderful. And then everythine fell apart in my life, and I let the 1 thing that I didn't want or need...and I gained back so much! And I kept telling myself that I must be shrinking my jeans in the dryer! hahaha How crazy is that? I could sit here and cry, right at my desk. I can see it in my face, my stomach and my back. I did this to me. I cannot blame it on my divorce. I cannot blame it on stress. ME. I did this.

I took all that time I worked so hard, all the compliments, all the good feelings of being too small and giving away all my bigger clothes. Now...I wish I had those clothes..I took all those amazing things that came with my weightloss and I threw them away. Right into the dumpster! Right out the window.

Not only am I dealing with all of the things that come along with a divorce, but now, I want to cry when I look in the mirror.

Hahhaa And I thought I had gained maybe 10-12 lbs!

I can sit here and feel bad, beat myself up. And that is exactly what I want to do.

But with whatever trace of determination and willpower have left in my soul..I will not. I will throw myself right back into this journey. I will be proud for what I have accomplished and pick right back up where I left off. I retain water, and am sure that at least 7 lbs could be dropped quickly. With that said, I am setting a high goal for myself. 199 by March 13th. When I land in California and see my sister, I want to be weighing 199. High goal. But I need to set it. I need to throw myself into this. I need to get back to where I was. That will be a 21 lb loss in almost 6 weeks. A bit extreme, but I know my body well. And I know that I am more than capable, as long as all of the words I post here are true. That I am ready and that I am putting myself first.

What Jennifer needs. Not what will make Jennifer feel better for the moment. Not what will heal her heart for the moment. What I need to do. For me.

No more messing around. No more taking my sweet time. I began this journey too long ago. Let the last year and a half of **** get in the way of MY goals. It's been a rough time for me, but now it's time to stand up and make the life that I want and need. I am not worrying about John anymore. Or my marriage. Or getting pregnant. Or building a house. Or my in-laws. Or my family. Me. Jennifer. #1 priority. And if I continue to gain weight, the depression that I've been feeling will only get worse. I will not be healthy. I will not feel good. I will isolate myself. And I want to live. I want to find the path that I know is waiting for me.

I always said the real challenge is to maintain your weightloss. I never realized how much truth was in that statement. As you can see, it can come back on quicker than it came off.

But one thing is for sure. I may have gained some back. But I know that I CAN do it. I know that it is POSSIBLE. And I will do it again!!!


I am worth it.

California Trip, March 13th: Goal: 199 lbs

250/188/220/165

[bonnieangel]

Those are the best words I can give you right now. Most everyone here knows what a hard year it has been for you, and how hard you worked to get where you were. And we know that you are a strong person who can do it again. We all know your determination, and that it will carry you far.

Now we want YOU to know that WE love you. And whatever we can do to help you meet your goals, we will.

HUGS!

M'Chelle

[nasus40]

You are bringing tears to my eyes!! I love this new determination. Honey I am right there with you. I did 20 lbs in 4 months last year (I held steady the first one then it was all up hill) and i did not even have any stressors. you can and will do this. I will be checking every day to see how good you are being OP!! I will be your nemeisis and so will everybody else here. not matter ifyou have a bad day or not you must check in!!! I know you can to this too. I am glad to see you dust your self off, and pick up.

[KarenUK]

Good luck Jennifer,

You can do this... you've done it before, and can do it again. Spend some time on yourself, you deserve it.

Take care.

Karen
260.5/171/140

[25_HOPEFUL]

Jennifer,

We have all done it.
We have all lost and gained and lost and gained over the years.
You did it before.
You can do it again!

You have sat down and poured out your heart.
You have opened the wound for us all to see.
Allow us to help you heal.
Sometimes you were the nurse....helping us heal.
Allow us to help heal you.

There are times when I am weak....and come here for strength.
There are times when I feel especially strong..and help pick others up.

Nobody wants to be fat.
Nobody wants to feel bad about themselves.


I am glad you gave your fat clothes away.
The person who wore those clothes no longer exists.
You do not have the "crutch" of those clothes to fall back on.
The REAL YOU has not even worn the clothes you are meant to wear...because you have not reached your goal yet!
When you reach your goal.......THOSE are the clothes you are meant to wear! THAT will be the real you!

I have lost 47 pounds so far. I now weigh 215. I want very bad to be in 100 land. I know how you feel. WE ALL KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! That is why we are here! I am a Hershey Bar away from gaining back every ounce I fought so hard to take off! I walk in those shoes every day. It is a fight. It is a struggle. But it is one we can all wien TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!

DO IT! DO IT NOW BEFORE THE 30 POUNDS BECOME 31 POUNDS!

DO IT BEFORE YOU LOSE YOURSELF IN THE FAT INSTEAD OF LOSING THE FAT!

You have the tools! You know what to do!

Have yourself a good cry.

CRY FOR THE PERSON WHO USES FOOD FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

CRY FOR THE PERSON WHO WANTS RID OF THE FAT SUIT.

CRY FOR THE TIMES YOU FELT BIG AND NOT BEAUTIFUL.

CRY FOR THOSE %@^# 30 POUNDS THAT FOUND YOU AGAIN.

CRY FOR THE 'REAL YOU' WHO IS INSIDE THAT BODY YOU ARE WEARING THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU.

CRY FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU STARTED AND STOPPED.

CRY AND GET IT ALL OVER WITH SO THAT YOU CAN START ANEW.

I CRIED FOR YOU TODAY.

I CRY FOR ALL OF US WHO ARE STRANGERS TO THE FACES WE SEE IN THE MIRROR.

I CRY FOR EVERYONE WHO STRUGGLES WITH THEIR WEIGHT BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO BE FAT.

******You can do it, my friend. We can help you. There is no shame in falling down. The only shame is in not getting back up again!

My name is Dana. I am HOPEFUL!

[Nic251]

Jennifer, I'm very glad that you are not giving up! You have come so far. We all know how strong you are. 30 lbs may be a lot, but just remember that as you start over, you are starting at 30 lbs less then when you started the first time. That is something to be proud of! Be proud that you caught yourself before you were back up to 250 or more! It is a long hard road, but you did it once, and you will do it again!

Hang in there
Nicole

[SusanTaw]

Dear Jennifer:
Please dont be so hard on yourself.
Everyone has ups and downs.
Everyone who has ever run a race
knows the important thing is to finish.
I am a marshall with the NY Road Runners Club (a volunteer position my
brother had...I took his place when he
passed away last year). When I see the
Achilles runners (handicapped people)
my heart soars and I applaud each and
every one as they go by me, no matter
how long it takes....their aim is to finish.
Jennifer. we all had a bad year last
year (just think of Sept 11th). But we
survived. And now we will go on...all the
more smarter. So put away the snacks,
get out the water and veggies and plan
your next party in California, knowing
you will look and feel great (no matter
what weight you are).
And since your ex seems not to be
threatened by twinkies, I'd shove a
bowling ball down his throat instead.
Now that I guarantee you would put
a pound or two on him

[1fralick]

Hey Girl I am sending you a great big hug. And commend you for stepping on teh metal monster. That was teh one thing that had to be done before you recommit yourself. You had to get honest with yourself. It is so easy to delude ourselves with eleastic waist pants, big shirts, avaoiding teh mirror. we all have done this. But these habits keep us fat! Teh number on teh scale is just the number we are today. We can use the info any way we want to. An excuse to eat the way we have been ar a reason to change our lives.

You decided to change and you know what you have going for you? You have done this before. Don't look down on yourself for it. You have knowledge and knowledge is power. You know aht works and what doesn't. You know you can do this because you have done it. All you need to do is realize that you are worth the daily trouble, determination, commitment. and are willing to do what it takes each day to work toward that goal. The past year has sucked for you. But you are abetter person for it. You are strong and powerful. ANd god has somes thing better planned for you. SO now that you have picked yourself up, GO KICK SOME BUTT!!!

[veggie]

Good luck Jennifer you can do it I'm sure.

I've put on about 14 pounds since last May but haven't given up that the important bit.

Anyone heard from Pippy lately?

[veggie]

BTW

Pat you are doing so well I remember when you were heavier than me...you are much lighter now! Also Karen is doing great you two send me some willpower please

[Jenniffer]

WoW! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!


I could not have asked or hoped for better responses than the ones that I was given. brought tears to my eyes..but tears of happiness.

I had a good weekend. Not perfect, but very well for me. I've been keeping up my water, and today..I will be walking. I am hoping for a nice loss this Friday.

I can't thank you all enough...Powerful and amazing words you all have given me. To not feel alone...that is the greatest gift of all.

250/188/220/165

Cali Trip:199