Hi everyone,
I've been a long time lurker of this blog, probably the last 10 years or so? I've always wanted to come post here, but decided not to since I don't want people to figure out who I am (although I don't know how they would)
Here I am 10 years later finally posting! Feels very liberating. If I may ask help from you all, I'm a 26 years old girl, 175 lbs at height 5'1 and so tired of being fat. I swear I've been trying to eat better, but I keep cheating. I make up reasons to cheat and it makes me think that maybe, just maybe I don't want it badly enough. What do I do? What do you guys do to keep going?
I see people on here who are overweight and accomplish so much, and they're mothers and fathers with families and jobs, I'm just a student and I can't even handle this? It makes me wonder if I am just meant to be this way.
I also have confession to make, I buy a lot of snack cakes, hide them and eat them while I'm "dieting", everyone around me thinks I'm doing well, and I get to satisfy my cravings and I never lose weight. I'm always letting my cravings be satisfied. Why do I do this?! What does it take for me to be diligent with my diet?!
I also have many other issues I struggle with. I live with my parents while finishing up classes (im hoping to apply to pharmacy school one day) so I don't work, and my parents always tell me to eat healthier and better, they're very supportive, but I have friends who don't understand that i can't have parties/alcohol parties or let them sleepover at my house until late ordering junk food (they've asked to pay for their food with MY parents credit cards!!-they're so rude and take advantage of my parents i feel). My parents are old, and I'm living here at 26 years old, rent free, I'm going to respect everything they've done for me, it's their house and i will abide by their rules, and even if I didn't, it's completely disrespectful of them to ask for such things, I know they wouldn't do it at their own, but they constantly ask me. But my friends don't have obligations, their parents don't care when they go out, when they're home, and it stressed me out and makes me turn to eating. I've been distancing myself from them and I feel better, I'm a loner, but I feel they wouldn't treat me this way if they respected my views and my parents. I wouldn't never do such a thing to them. Food in many ways is what I turn to for comfort, and ever since it has brought me nothing but grief. My medical tests show that I have high cholesterol, I have dark inner thighs, armpits, which my doc says could be from insulin resistance. I just feel and look ugly since I've gained so much weight.
My extended family tells me I'm unattractive, they compare me to other girls my age at cultural events, they tell me I might not get married, maybe won't be eligible too when I have lost weight, basically I'm a lost cause. I try to respect them and ignore it, but sometimes when I hear these things, I want to cry. Cry for myself and the fact that everyone else can see the same things I see wrong with me. I feel like people can usually mask these things, but I've gotten so fat, that my struggles are on display for everyone to see and ridicule. Sometimes I wonder what kind of world we live in where people can judge us based on looks, I haven't treated anyone badly yet I'm flocked with negativity everywhere. I remember telling a friend who I trusted very much my weight because I wanted help from her, and when I said "175" she looked at me up and down and said " wow I could've sworn you weighed more, good job!" I don't even know how to take that? I thought it was rude. I had an uncle tell me when I was sick and couldn't eat, " a snail eats to the snail size, the elephant for the elephant's size, so don't be shy and eat more"...these comments make me so sad. It crushes me, when my uncle said this, I told him it was rude, he said "did we force you to eat to become like that (looking at me)" so i left it alone, 3 years later I have never gone back to that house.
I'm sorry for the long post, if I posted this in the wrong place, please let me know and I can repost it in the right place. Thank you for listening 3fc, you don't know it, but reading your posts have been my savior at times when I felt I had no one understood the struggles I've been going through. Thank you and please if you have any advice for someone like me, please let me know. I want to be able to have a good life, while I'm young even though I feel old already, I want to wear cute clothes like girls my age do and feel pretty, and wear makeup and all that. But my first concern is my health, and well even if I can't be 120 lbs, being healthier is something I wish to work towards. Thank you again for listening, and my apologies for my grammar errors.