As if I wasn't suffering enough from anxiety and depression, my husband left me about 3 and 1/2 months ago. Not one day has gone by without me spending much of the day crying. I keep hoping he's going to come back to me even though he has made it clear he will not. I've begged, pleaded and bugged him to death for him to come back. I wish I could just accept this and move on but we were married for 25 years and I was happy and in love with him up to the day I got the phone call from him saying he wasn't coming home. I still love him though he doesn't care for me at all. He just threw me away. I never saw it coming. I still can't wrap my brain around it, that it's actually happening. I'm not living, I'm just existing from one day to the next, waiting to die.
I've been a stay at home mom and therefore haven't worked all my marriage. I've been looking but no one wants to hire a 51 year old, overweight woman with out of date experience. I don't have any friends at all. It's always been hard for me to socialize and I devoted my whole life to him. He was my everything. Now he calls tonight and is tired of sending me most all his paycheck. He wants me to file for disability, food stamps and medicaid. All the things he has been against all his life. He had told me he would keep me on his insurance plan but I guess he's changing his mind.
My sister tells me I should work up a good mad at him and that will help me get over him. But I've never said one bad word to him yet and nor have I bad mouthed him to any of my relatives or our sons. He has sure bad mouthed me though. I can't believe some of the stuff he has said to me. He even told me that if he had stayed with me, or if he came back to me like I want him to, that we would have made the news. He says he would have killed me and then himself. How pathetic am I to still want him back.
I don't know if I should contact a lawyer or not to see what my options are to make him continue paying me alimony now and through upcoming retirement (401K and SS for him). I have nothing coming to me. And I need to see if there is some way to make him keep me on his insurance plan at work. He doesn't want to file for divorce because he's from Canada and even though he has lived here for 25 years we never took the actual step to make him an American citizen. So he thinks he could be deported out of the country. I don't think so but would find out.
I'm so scared, anxious and depressed over this. If I could find something to feel good about like a job, a friend or something it would be great. But I sit here day after day with no joy or happiness, just waiting to die. It's all I see for me out there. Oh I have been on antidepressants for years and most recently my doctor put me on the generic of celexa.
So sorry this is so long. I really do want to live and be happy, lose this weight and get healthy. But it's so hard to just get up out of bed everyday and function at the minimum that I do. And I don't expect that anyone can help me but I don't have anyone to talk to and I needed to get this out. Maybe some encouragement from others who have been there or close to it.