I'm scared for my sister, what should I do? (long)
So I went back to school, 2 hours away, but things have been going on at home. I have two sisters, one is married. She's married to a deadbeat guy who is abusive, perverted, and smokes weed. My other sister told me just last Thursday they got into an argument and he had her in a headlock and told her "if I wasn't smoking weed, I would've killed you by now." After that incident, my sister took her son to my mom's house and stayed there for three days. She promised my other sister that she would divorce him but is now going back on her word. My parents do not know what is going on - they would be FURIOUS if they found out. This was the guy that molested me when I was 13 - I only told my other sister because I was scared, but because of this recent incident, I also told the sister who is married to him and she kept on making excuses for him saying it must have been an accident or whatever.
The only reason why she doesn't want to divorce him is because they have a son together but that PISSES me off because he does NOTHING for my nephew whatsoever. She went back home yesterday with my nephew because he 'apologized'. No apology justifies what he did and I feel that by the time she realizes he's bad news, she will be dead by then, as horrible as that sounds.
What should I do to make her wake up??? She's SO dumb, it's driving me crazy. I know this won't end well but she's not listening to anyone right now. If your whole family thinks something is wrong with that guy, then get a freaking clue!
Calling her dumb won't help. ( I know you probably aren't saying it to her face, but stop saying it to yourself). Self esteem is lacking in a lot of women in bad situations. Help build her up when you talk to her, tell her how wonderful she is and what she deserves. Think of her as powerful and strong so you can share that with her.
You can't force her to leave. But keep as close an eye as you can and call the authorities if you see signs of abuse to your nephew.
This. Also, the more you pressure her to leave him the more you'll drive her away from you (and the family) and closer to him.
Offer to babysit your Nephew as much as possible to keep him away from the dysfunction. Your sister will leave when she's had enough.
I cannot do anything about it, I live 2 hours away. My parents don't know anything and my other sister is moving out soon and honestly she doesn't want to have anything to do with them. (She REALLY hates my brother in-law) But when your husband THREATENS to stab/kill you, isn't that enough of a red flag??
We're always constantly telling her she deserves better but her mentality is that she doesn't want her son to be without a dad. It's the ONLY reason she's staying with him.
If he were to kill her one day and I didn't do anything about this current situation right now, I could NEVER forgive myself.
Unfortunately, the others are right. You can't force an adult to get help. But you can monitor and ensure that your nephew is not being abused, and immediately intervene if it occurs to ensure he is removed from the situation.
I hear your pain. Many women in my family stayed with violent partners for far too long and unfortunately, there was nothing anyone could do but love them and wait. My mom ended up on her death bed because of my dad, and that was the final straw for her. She had been beaten many, many times before that, however, and she was not ready to leave.
I know you have to think of your own self-care too, but you have to release the burden that you can do something to end this. The only person who can end this is her. I truly hope it ends the way we all want it to and I am so sorry your family is going through this.
I wish I had a better answer. I am sure you have tried, but have you ever had a calm conversation about it? "Hey Sis, can we talk? I am really concerned about you. I worry...I ...etc". If you make the conversations about YOUR feelings, and not her actions, perhaps she would be willing to discuss it?
Regardless of what happens, you sound like an amazing sister and she is lucky to have you.
If you are this concerned about your sister, I think your parents should know since they are local to her and of course would do anything in the world to help keep their daughter and grandson safe.
And, I think you should say to her and your parents the same thing you said to us, "when your husband THREATENS to stab/kill you, isn't that enough of a red flag??"
It takes a lot for a woman to leave an abusive situation. She might have many barriers between her and freedom that you don't realize, including economic and legal (child custody) issues. Please don't think of your sister as dumb for going back. It often takes a person in an abusive situation many times of leaving and going back before they can leave and stay away. Please get in tough with a women's domestic violence advocacy service in your sisters area, they can help you with things you can do and say to help protect your sister and your nephew. And remember, keep your conversations with her light and positive and reaffirming of her ability to care for herself and her son. That way you keep the lines of communication between you and her open. If you nephew is a victim of domestic violence, even if he is witnessing the abuse of your sister, that is an issue for child protective services. Exposing a child to physical abuse is abuse, even if the child never gets a hand laid on them. Maybe if your sister realized that by exposing her child to her being abused can get him taken away from she will finally take steps to protect herself and her son.
This is going to sound harsh but I'm going to say it anyway. The fact that you won't tell your parents is doing her an injustice. Maybe she won't listen to you, but maybe your parents can talk some sense into her. If THEY know their grandchild is in danger, i'm sure they will do whatever possible to convince her to leave. If nothing else, child protective services should be contacted because he is in a potentially dangerous situation and an abusive home. It's nice for everyone to say that you need to build up her self esteem but by the time that works it may be too late. Something needs to be done now.
I have to say, this has been upsetting me since I first replied a little while ago. I'm probably closer to your parents' age than to your age. Imagine if something terrible happened to your sister, as you fear, and your parents discover that you and your other sister knew there was a problem and never told them. They would be absolutely devastated to know that there might have been something they could have done.
Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath and tell our parents things that we think they don't want to hear, when it comes to protecting health and safety.
I have to say, this has been upsetting me since I first replied a little while ago. I'm probably closer to your parents' age than to your age. Imagine if something terrible happened to your sister, as you fear, and your parents discover that you and your other sister knew there was a problem and never told them. They would be absolutely devastated to know that there might have been something they could have done.
Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath and tell our parents things that we think they don't want to hear, when it comes to protecting health and safety.
Thanks newleaf, I will be going home this weekend to let them know about it. I can give her all the support she needs, but this is just not something I can brush off and let her fall down on her own and get up herself. If the life of my sister and nephew is involved, I need to do something about it. She's been begging my other sister not to tell me and my parents, but now that I'm aware of the situation, I can't just sit around and watch this unfold anymore. If something terrible happens to her, like I said, I will forever blame myself for not trying to do something about it. Her marrying this guy has taken a toll on my family, and certainly myself as well. She only married him because she got pregnant.
And others have told me to just keep an eye on them - the thing is, I'm unable to, physically and emotionally. I live 2.5 hours away, I'm full time in college and I work part-time. I go home like once every two months- I just don't have the ability to keep watch.
@NorthernChick, we've talked to her calmly many many times. She just doesn't listen and think their relationship is fine. The kind of bs he's pulled these past few years is just unacceptable. And he HAS abused my nephew before. This is why my nephew is terrified of him and would never sleep alone or go anywhere alone with him. You know it's bad news when your own son is scared to spend time with you. What a great father figure he is. But this recent incident has definitely crossed the line. If my other sister wasn't there to get her out of it, I don't know what would've happened to her right now.
Unfortunately she needs to realize that leaving him is best on her own, u can talk until your blue in the face and chances r it won't change things. He has obviously aided in lowering her self esteem and that is driving her to stay. Her son is only an excuse. We can begin to believe our excuses to our selfs after a while. I am sure she believes she needs him to survive even though I am sure she doesn't. Abusive men/women have a way to show u one minute how good they can be, or how it's all your fault. U can only show her support and not berate her, I am sure she gets enough of that. You pointing her abuse out to her in harsh ways will only make her feel worse or guilty, which in turn will make her feel deserving of her situation. Eventually she may wake up and finally realize she needs to leave him. I would say google information on how to talk to her. Maybe try to help her find a way out, after all if u just tell her leave him, I am sure she has no idea of what she will do after walking out of the door. She may feel uncertainties of what the next step will be. Oh it's a tough situation show her your love and support her.
Unfortunately she needs to realize that leaving him is best on her own, u can talk until your blue in the face and chances r it won't change things. He has obviously aided in lowering her self esteem and that is driving her to stay. Her son is only an excuse. We can begin to believe our excuses to our selfs after a while. I am sure she believes she needs him to survive even though I am sure she doesn't. Abusive men/women have a way to show u one minute how good they can be, or how it's all your fault. U can only show her support and not berate her, I am sure she gets enough of that. You pointing her abuse out to her in harsh ways will only make her feel worse or guilty, which in turn will make her feel deserving of her situation. Eventually she may wake up and finally realize she needs to leave him. I would say google information on how to talk to her. Maybe try to help her find a way out, after all if u just tell her leave him, I am sure she has no idea of what she will do after walking out of the door. She may feel uncertainties of what the next step will be. Oh it's a tough situation show her your love and support her.
I'm literally about to burst. I have my own problems and I'm already stressing enough in school, and seeing her like this just makes me so MAD. My other sister refuses to talk to her now because she went back on her word of getting the divorce. She witnessed the whole incident last week. If I were there that day, I would've pulled out my pepper spray and used it on him or called the cops. I don't put up with abusive crap like that and I'm just SO fed up with it. I've been trying to put up a front and act nice to him, even after what he did to me, but since she's aware of everything now, she can forget about me even pretending to be nice.
I knew he took ecstasy pills also. I once tried to find his stash so I could call the cops on him, but I wasn't able to locate it. This guy is just BAD news. Drives me nuts that she doesn't see it.
For the sake of your young innocent nephew, SPEAK UP! I have to agree with newleaf! If something horrible happens, & IT WILL if things aren't taken care of soon, you'll feel even worse & your parents will be asking, "Why didn't you say or do something?!!!"
Your sister & her "man" (I put that in quotes because NO MAN would ever, ever put his hands on a woman) may get angry with you. but someone has to look out for the best interest of the child. A child should NOT be raised in a home of violence. A child should NEVER EVER watch his parent be threatened. Lastly, you don't say how old your nephew is, what if he tries to stop "Daddy" from hurting "Mommy" & ends up getting hurt or worse? It has happened!
It is clear she is asking for help in a veiled way. If she has spoken to the other sister about it...she WANTS help even if she can't admit it herself! She is scared.
I've got a couple of points that make me wonder:
1. How does someone get "accidentally" into a headlock?
2. If he's abused you & your nephew, he is clearly NOT father material. He's someone who should be behind bars. Did she know about him abusing you BEFORE they got together? If so, how can she find that soooo appealing?
3. She is staying with him because "she doesn't want her son to be without a dad"? But yet her son is afraid of him? So what good is it to have a "dad" if you don't want to get near him or don't trust him? Do talk to her. Do let your parents know. Someone has to be an advocate for your nephew in her stead. He needs someone to speak up for HIM! Far too often we hear of women & children being harmed or worse by the "man who loved them". Apologies are nothing more than words. Safety for him & her are a must!!!
*Note: I bet if you tell your parents. They'll probably say, "We thought so." People aren't as blind as they would have us believe they are! My parents KNEW my sister was being abused by her "man"...Daddy wanted to KILL him, didn't he wasn't worth going to prison for!!!
Good luck! Stand up for your nephew! But take great care in protecting yourself & your parents. Safety in numbers.
I'm scared for my sister, what should I do? (long)
