I rarely see any of my friends anymore. Things I suggest they don't want to do and there just isn't the same kind of interaction anymore. I've heard it mentioned before that dramatic weight loss does cause some friction with friends. Part of me thinks I'm just paranoid and I'm reading too much into it (and it is sort of self-serving to think its because of jealousy when I'm the one that could be at fault).
It just sort of bums me out. Anybody else experience the same thing?
ME! I've lost contact with most of my friends. It seems that all of a sudden, they all have different interests than I do. I had 2 really close friends, and about mid-way through my weightloss journey, they both just sort of disappeared. I try not to personalize it, b/c sometimes I still talk on the phone with one of them, but other than that, it's as though we are all just too different.
I've tried surrounding myself around new friends. With the same interests. My old friends didn't really lead a healthy, active lifestyle, so that may be part of the difference. I really feel that the other friend whom I haven't spoken to in over a year drifted b/c for the longest time she was the one who got all the attn and I was always the ugly fat friend. But the roles changed and pure jealousy got the best of her. Oh well, those aren't true friends.
But for what it's worth, you aren't alone. People change, we drift, we mature, we move on. I hope that the bond you have with your friends will grow stronger and that this is truly in your head.
I do have a few friends that I suspect are avoiding me. I do know there have been times in my life when I avoided friends because I was so down on myself and I can't help wondering if the fact that I'm living proof it can be done without surgery or an expensive program is making them feel bad.
I've lost a couple friends along the way...but I've heard it said that sometimes when we change our lives we need to change our playmates and our playgrounds.
I'm thinking I'm better off with my active friends doing awesome fun stuff than I am at the chinese buffet stuffing my face and drinking beer with my old fat friends. Who knew that you could have a BLAST without a drop of booze or a bag of chips. (Most of my old fat friends have not realized this yet.)
I've experienced this, and it mostly comes from the fact that I don't share the same lifestyle as them anymore. When they get together, they think the only way to have a good time is to ensure everyone is as drunk as possible (and more often than not, also full of pizza).
I've had to decline invitations from them because I can't do that anymore. I can't even just go hang out with them without drinking, because the few times I have, they constantly pressure me to drink and make fun of me for drinking water instead of alcohol. If we're out somewhere they'll buy me drinks even after I say I don't want them, and then guilt trip me about not drinking them and making them waste their money.
So, we've drifted apart. But that's to be expected when they're not interested in any social outings that don't involve ridiculous amounts of alcohol. I've invited them to other things - lunch dates, movies, etc., but they're generally not interested. I've come to accept that I'm going to end up parting ways with some people if I want to continue improving my life style and quality of life.
So, I've been talking to a friend via email today and I mentioned that I wore a size small polo style shirt yesterday and that it was just a little bit tight, but still fine. This person responded back "there has been size inflation over the years, a 'small' really is a size medium".
I got a similar comment from a family member - she was asking what sizes I wore so she could look for a pair of pants for me at an outlet mall. I told her and she immediately responded with 'you know, that 4 is really an 8 or 10'. She followed it up with 'unless it is a 4P, that is really a 4'. 4P is her size.
Sorry you are having trouble with your friends. Some people have a hard time with change. They probably also don't know exactly how they fit into your new lifestyle. Doesn't make it hurt less, though, I know.
Yep, it seems to happen to a lot of us. My overweight friends dropped me faster than a hot potato when I joined a gym, changed how I ate, and started losing weight. I don't know if I made them feel guilty or just that our paths went in such different directions. Regardless, it hurts.
Now that it's been 9+ years, people who meet me today have no idea that I was ever obese. It's not something I talk about, so all they know about me is that I have a healthy and fit lifestyle. And I like it that way!
She followed it up with 'unless it is a 4P, that is really a 4'. 4P is her size.
That is so sad and so funny at the same time. The nerve some people have!
I'm very fortunate that my two best friends were inspired by my weight loss rather than jealous. They are both working on it. One is more active than I am! The other has asthma and struggles more, but the relationship hasn't changed at all. No, she doesn't go running or biking with me, but we still have other shared interests. Eating with her is now really difficult though. Between her food allergies and my clean eating, it's not easy.
So, I've been talking to a friend via email today and I mentioned that I wore a size small polo style shirt yesterday and that it was just a little bit tight, but still fine. This person responded back "there has been size inflation over the years, a 'small' really is a size medium".
Oy.
I'm sorry that you're going through this Matt! Now is the time that you want to celebrate with friends that you care about, not avoid them or try not to bring up your small victories. FWIW, I had a close friend say the exact thing to me. I tried to not take it personally since I know that she struggles with ED herself. I too have been struggling with friendships. It seems that nobody wants to do anything fun anymore.
There are "friends" and there are "acquaintenances".
Most people we call friends, are actually only acquaintenances.
Last year on this date..October 25th,
the woman who for 25 years was my best friend, died from cancer.
During her last months, we spent time together nearly every day,
and we often talked about our friendship.
She told me more than once,
that she believed if a person has ONE True Friend in her lifetime,
that person has more than her share.
It was an honor to be her Friend,
and she left a vacancy in my life that
I know may never be refilled.
Bright Angel, you are going to make me cry with that sweet post. You always seem to have the right things to say that touch me in a nice way.
My best friend and i have been drifting apart for awhile, especially this last year as I worked towards weight loss and she had a baby. She's had the baby a few weeks ago and now she wants my help with weight loss and we're having dinner together tomorrow! I'm excited because I miss our companionship and I would like it if we had something mutual we could do together again.
I do find some people get irritated with how much I focus on health now, I get excited and they get tired of hearing it from me. One girl at work is really into talking about exercise and eating right, but I found out she used to be bulemic so I worry I'm promoting her to be unhealthy again.
And those are the two people I'm closest too and would call 'friends'
My fiance and I have become better friends through weight loss, he has supported me and learned to read labels and help me.
matt - I posted in another thread that Id been thinking quite a bit about human behavior as it relates to the behaviors of those around us.
Starting to form a couple interesting thoughts:
- even our acquaintances give implicit permission to our behaviors, by being willing to be friends with us because of them
- we often seek out people that are similar, if subconsciously, because we dont have to think so much about our differences..that can be hard work, lead to revelations, and actually make us change..change is hard...some people shy away from it...
- when around someone who is behaving in a way a person wishes they behave, people can project their anger at themselves for not exhibiting a behavior on to the other. (ex: someone sees me eating super healthy. they are not necessarily presuming that I judge them because they arent eating healthy, but they may internally know they should be eating better and project their own unhappiness with themselves upon me...its easier to hate an externality)
And as a side note...if you have read, I think it was the second Freakonomics book..it talks about how even when 3rd or 4th degree friends gain weight, you are likely to gain weight. Even if you never meet those people, and your direct friends dont gain weight. Interesting correlation those guys do!
Jealousy can be an ugly thing. I have never been obese or even much over what passes for "normal" weight for my height yet I too have heard a number of size-related slights, disguised as something else.
It's so sad when people are so insecure that they feel the need to snipe at others' accomplishments.
friends
The nerve some people have!
