True bravery is arriving home at 2 am after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom .....

and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or are you getting ready to fly somewhere?"
__________________

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket high in the air, he told them, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Age and wisdom will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

However, Men are like grapes......

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the @$#% out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!

Women's Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
Says he'll call, and won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.

Man's Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a boat. Amen

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as
airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in
and they had nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something
to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane
hooch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all.

Then the phone rings...its Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T! 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

20 CLUES A WOMAN SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT...

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead, and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's *** and honestl believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Fay Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the NBA's best basketball
player. I am about to beat a rape charge and make millions in free agency. I can't afford to die."So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, " I am going to be my party's nominee for President. I survived Vietnam and received the Purple Heart. The country needs heroes like me." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you, Mr. President.. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Although there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

> > > 1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
> > >
> > > 2. Taj Mahal
> > >
> > > 3. Grand Canyon
> > >
> > > 4. Panama Canal
> > >
> > > 5. Empire State Building
> > >
> > > 6. St. Peter's Basilica
> > >
> > > 7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.

"The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:

> > > 1. To See
> > >
> > > 2. To Hear
> > >
> > > 3. To Touch
> > >
> > > 4. To Taste
> > >
> > > 5. To Feel
> > >
> > > 6. To Laugh

> > > 7. And to Love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!

A gentle reminder -- that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.

It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.

"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks.

"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.

When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.

"I see you and Jesus sees you."

The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.

"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.

Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
1. So...What did you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
5. You scared me stiff!
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling.
8. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it.
11. She's a goblin!
12. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
13. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
14. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
15. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
16. Let me see your big sack!
17. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.
18. Have your mom check it before you put it inyour mouth.
19. I got the best piece from that house.
20. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

"When you are angry at neighbor, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes!"

October 26, 2004

May I suggest that you un-complicate your life?

Keep things on the simple side. Try to see difficult, all-consuming problems in another light -- as the sum of a lot of little parts. Break down tasks into manageable, little steps.

Only do things that are going to bring you joy, peace, and prosperity. Don't do it unless there's some good to come of it. Don't do anything out of guilt, shame, resentment, anger, dread, hostility, or if you are forced or coerced.

Look at your schedule, and everything you want or need to do today. Is everything on that big list completely necessary? Can some things wait, or be put aside?

Finally, be sure to include some re-creation and reflection time for yourself today—and every day.