History: DH and I started dating fall semester freshman year of college, 1988. I stopped dating other guys by about Christmas. We decided to get married, 4/1/89. We got engaged summer 92 and married in 93.
An infamous MIL moment last fall '06. In the middle of a crying fit, tells Scot, "You never even told us you were dating her." Obviously she has not gotten over the marriage. (We celebrate 13 years this summer.)
MIL: June Cleaver wanna be with serious issues involving self esteem and gin-tonics. Very proper. Did not expect chubby, outspokane, DIL with a penchant for saying whatever is on her mind.
Motis operendi: Constant stream of criticism under her breath in pretentions tones of someone from a higher class who is shocked that anyone would behave in such a manner. Sweet sounding questions with hidden agendas.
- The dinner plates have not been warmed?
- The baby just nursed less than an hour ago?
- You are reading the kids a second story? it is so late.
- Are you buttering the entire peice of bread?
- Are you serving dessert while ___ is still eating?
They might seem innocent, but they all end with a rise in tone indicating a question and dissaproval. And there are too many examples to list. They come out with almost every breath. Basically I have never been good enough for their boy.
As for me. I have taken different tactics to deal with it.
- For awhile, I told them every bad thing that DH ever did. I think I was trying to convince them he wasn't perfect. I think I just came off sounding mean.
- For some visits I would just run off to errands are hide in the basement while they were here.
- More recently I simply ignored whatever she was saying, like she wasn't in the room and only stuck to small talk like sewing.
I am an extremely happy, outgoing person from a loud family that deals with things by talking that excalates to yelling depending on the situation. DH's family NEVER discusses anything personal. Only ailments, politics, and those EVIL multinational corporations that are ruining the world. In the past when I have tried to express anything like an opinion, MIL starts bawling, says I don't make her welcome, and threatens to never come back.
She has guilt trip worked out to a science with her children. And since she almost always ends up crying everyone tries to be really, really nice and give her whatever she wants.
I never cry in public (well except during sappy movies), and end up fuming all day and then crying in DH's arm at the end of each visit, because his mom has been on me all week for every little thing (yes, including my weight) until I am about to go insane. I can't fight back ever, because she bawls and makes a scene. And it is so not worth it to go there.
...just a little more history to go...
So our last visit, in a monumental breakdown to beat all former breakdowns, MIL and FIL told us that they didn't feel welcome in our house and were not coming back. I suggested a family meeting (like my family used to have) where we laid everthing out on the table. I went through a litany of every little critisism she had ever said to me. They went through their list. They didn't like how we were living our life. They thought we went too many places and did too many things. This was not good for our kids. They thought my family was too involved in our lives and that we shouldn't allow my family to spend so much time with our kids. Alot of it was about kids, but then FIL got really upset (which I have never seen happen). He basically said that he doesn't like me, never has liked me, thought that I had ruined Scot's life, I was not a nice person (as evidenced by making my MIL feel so bad) , blah, blah, blah, blah....
and finally to the epiphany
My in-laws have never and will never like me. I stole their son. I have spent all these years stressing because I wanted their approval. I wanted them to love me like my parents love my husband. Well - it is never going to happen, no matter how clean my house is, how well my table is set, how nicely behaved my children are or anything else that I do.
And so, now, for the first time in 18 years.. nothing they did during their visit made me upset. The only difference was my attitude. MIL still fussed about all the same things. It just stopped bothering me anymore because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
OH - and as an end note on the weight thing. My MIL who usually spends hours advising me on this exercise or that diet while she is here, said absolutely nothing about the fact that I have lost 35 lbs. And I can tell you - I have lost enough for people to notice.
