I had my Thanksgiving meal all planned...healthy, low carb stuff. I cooked for hours and couldn't resist tasting, tasting some more, making a small plate, then another...etc...

UGH

My pig-o-session included:
several strips of bacon (cooked to add to green beans but it didn't make it there)
5oz chicken breast with mayo
cup green beans
several sweet potato fries
7 oz turkey breast with mayo
3oz cream cheese with cocoa and splenda
couple of bites of creamed spinach topped with melted cheese

I did "ok" on the carbs but it was WAY tooooo much food and it was consumed in an animalistic manner (picture head in feeding trough standing up) Plus the calories really add up! All of this was consumed before 1pm.
So now I want to NOT eat anything else today.

Here's the worst part. I actually TRIED to purge and was NOT successful. that made me feel even MORE disgusted. I can't even get that right! UGH!

Ok, *takes a deep breath* I am glad I was unable to purge. The fact that I tried is very very scary.

I hope everyone else is having a blessed, happy and HEALTHY Thanksgiving!

I'm glad you couldn't purge, honey. It's not fun, and it doesn't help things.

Elizabeth, you have come along way. Don't let one day get to you...you are awesome!

Thanks for the wise words and hug! You're so right....it doesn't help things. I've binged for years but never purged. I dunno why I tried yesterday but I'm glad I was unsuccessful.

Thank you so much!
It's been a long and difficult road. But wonderful people, like yourself, help motivate me and remind me to STAY on the road....no offroading or crazy detours!

Well I made it through Thanksgiving just fine, was even planning on eating more then usual. But luckily for me the food wasn't that good. The turkey was dry, the sweet potatoes weren't sweet and so on and so on. I basically stuck to the salad and veggies that I made. So I really, really didn't overeat a bit. I did have three bites of pecan pie but still not terrible.

And then came today. My daughter is home from college, leaving on Sunday and I'm making a big meal for tonight, so I've been cooking some of her favorites and of course, just like in the old days I keep picking at everything. Picking, picking, picking. So I picked and then I purged. I feel so freaking sick right now. Just back to my old ways. All these months wiped out. 53 lbs gone and for what? I had felt so damn strong. I hate the weekends, it just throws me off and I'm so afraid this is going to go on all weekend. I can't wait for Monday. Dear G-d let me get back to my new and healthy ways by Monday. Please, please, please. And don't let me continue to blow it the rest of the weekend. Please, please, please.

For 53 pounds gone. You're not going to gain them all back over the weekend, even if you eat constantly. It's the purging I'm worried about. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, because I still struggle with this myself and I refuse to be a hypocrite by fussing at you. But just know that we're here, and we care. Please, try to forgive yourself and move forward. Purging is so, so dangerous; I wish I knew how to help you not do it.

My binge today consisted of 850 calories of assorted weight watchers products like muffins and little cakes. Then I had lunch out ate a grilled cheese sandwich and about 2 cups (I am guestimating) of fries (or however much is normally served at Chilis).
I then came home and purged.

And I haven't eaten all day since that. I am afraid to.

Ah, Chica. *hugs to you*

Are you hungry, and just keeping yourself from eating because you're afraid? Or do you just feel like you ought to eat? Sometimes after a purge I still feel so sick to my stomach that putting food in it would be the worst idea of all.

I think that's been the hardest part for me, remembering how to tell if I'm actually, physically hungry. I've abused myself for so long that I had completely forgotten what it feels like to eat normally. *sigh*

I read something here on the site yesterday and thought of you. You may have seen it: someone had the suggestion made to her that she carry around a photograph of herself as a little girl. Whenever she started feeling bad about herself, she was instructed to take out the photo, and say all the nasty things she was thinking, to the little girl. Obviously, this is hard to do, and it's an excellent illustration that we all need to be more gentle and loving to ourselves. Because we carry those little girls around inside us, and they still need love, care and sensitivity.

I think maybe you need to remember yours, and how special she is.

I just want to say thank you. It truly does mean a lot. This is my first set back and I'm really not enjoying it. Just can't stop thinking about it. I feel horrible, horrible. But I'm a big girl and I suppose I'll get through it. Thank you again.

And Chica, I'm still hoping and praying for you.

Thanks robin.

Thanks for that lovely thought callystia. I hadn't seen it so thank you for bringing it to my attention.

I was afraid to eat because although I was a bit hungry I was afraid that eating would send me off to binging and purging again. And it did. My parents were being "thoughtful" and came home with a pizza for me. It was the worst pizza ever, but I ate it and dutifully threw it back up.
I realize that they were just trying to bring home some dinner for me but, I think that I need to remind them again NOT to buy anything for me unless I expressly ask for it....otherwise we end up with that situation.
Worst still-- after purging I told my parents that the pizza was awful and that I had just threw some of it up. To which my dad said "see, you said that I was going to make you go off your diet, and I really helped your diet." He said this jokingly, but still it wasn't a very good thing to say, even if he doesn't know about my secret. My mom then said "don't even joke about that, we don't want her becoming bulimic."
Right. We wouldn't want that.
And this was after I got really uncalled for anorexic comments from my aunt at Thanksgiving.

I mean, my family loves me and tries to do things that they think are good for me, but they don't often get that right.

I kinda grazed all day long and purged 3 times today. I just can't believe this is happening all over again. But no, tomorrow is another day, another opportunity. I can't wipe out 2 1/2 months of hard work. I must get back on track. I have too much to lose by not getting back on track. And so much to gain. I'm gonna get back on track, tomorrow. Yup, that's what I'm gonna do. Right back. I can do this, I have to do this. I really want to get back on track, I was so happy eating healthy - today and yesterday I was not happy. Yes, I will start eating healthy again tomorrow. I can do this.

And Chica, so can you, please, my heart is breaking for you. I know you must be suffering terribly. I know you're not happy, you can break this vicious cycle. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you.
Come on you can do this. You deserve better.

rockinrobin:

Awww sweetie! I know the holidays can be stressful! You did not lose all this weight for nothing! You are 53 pounds down and you need to remember that! That is ALOT of weight! Go find something that is 50 pounds and see how big and heavy it is! What you need to remember that this new lifestyle is not just about the scale, or losing, it is about being healthy! And even if you slip up and have a few bad days now and then it is NOT a deal breaker! If you fall off, just get up and start again the next day! Damage control with 1 to just a few pounds is not so bad!

Even if you were stick thin, it would not be healthy to be thin if you are still purging! I hope I am not sounding harsh cause I seen your post and I really care about you. I know you can be well and healthy. I know you can conquor this purging thing. Just keep in mind that purging is not an alternative!

Not sure...but it sounds familiar. Is it mostly natural food?

Jasmine thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words. It is so very helpful to me. I know that it's kinda weird to hear of someone my size purging, because naturally one would think if you're purging then you must be skinny, umm obviously not always. I think that's why it's even more of an embarassment for me. And you are right it is definitely NOT an alternative to eating healthy. And in the past eating poorly was a deal breaker, I would eat poorly and it would continue for months and months, but not this time. I WILL get back on track. My girls are counting on it and my husband and most importantly - I AM. There are just too many things that I want to do that I'm not able to do because of my excess weight. I want very badly to lose this weight.

But I am thrilled to report that today I am indeed back on track and feeling strong, feeling like I can tackle this, this being the weight and the purging. I am so much happier when I eat healthy, it's amazing. It's incredible what writing down your feelings can do and what having understanding people around can do. Thanks everyone.

Hello,

I am new to the forum.

I have lost weight recently from not binging. I normally eat healthy foods, but when I binge, I eat 1000's of calories and I gain weight.

Today I found myself eating a bag of Sunchips and I could not stop. I knew that I was doing it, and I was really ashamed after I did it.

My past binges before I started losing weight have been A LOT worse...like entire pizzas at times.

I guess I know that I can get back on track. I just recently became aware of my problem, and before I never actually understood that what I was doing was not normal.