Do you cook at all? Can you invite them over (or at the family home) and make something yum and delicious, but healthy? Slow changes work best.
I am also an athlete (I do weightlifting and now flirt with the idea of bodybuilding). I used to be overweight, 7 years ago. I've been in their position and I've also been in your position. There is literally nothing you can do except continue to model healthy behaviour, do not enable (ie. don't recommend going out for dinner), and hope for the best.
Good luck!
PS My overweight mom DID change suddenly. On her own.
How did you get access to your mother's confidential medical information? Her cholesterol, her BP, her liver function tests?
Honestly, if you were my son and approached me as you have approached the subject on this board, I'd kick you to the curb and go eat a pound cake. I mean, honestly, I'm kind of offended and I'm not your mother. I can only imagine that you both hurt and offended her depending on if you approached her in this manner.
She gave it to me after she called me crying about how bad it was and what the doc wanted to put her on.
Sorry I offended you... I'm not exactly sure what I did?
How did you get access to your mother's confidential medical information? Her cholesterol, her BP, her liver function tests?
Honestly, if you were my son and approached me as you have approached the subject on this board, I'd kick you to the curb and go eat a pound cake. I mean, honestly, I'm kind of offended and I'm not your mother. I can only imagine that you both hurt and offended her depending on if you approached her in this manner.
WOW! Quite a reaction to someone that is trying to HELP a family member!
Last edited by LindseyLou; 01-20-2011 at 12:36 PM.
Take a step back and look at the situation. You are worried for their health. You feel like they are killing themselves.
BUT, it is their life and there is nothing you can do to make them lose weight. It has to come from within.
You know I went through something similar with my sister. She was overweight all her life and it hurt me to see her that way. She couldn't find nice clothes, she was very unhappy, but she ate and hated to exercise.
I tried to get her to work out with me but she hated it, I tried to get her to eat healthy but it lasted a day or two and then back to square one. One day she realised what she had put her body through and started dieting and working out. She did it the right way and on her terms. Unfortunately she did too much and now is the other extreme. She is completely anorexic and at this point killing herself. She lives on coffee and cigarettes. Lovely?
What I'm trying to say is that we all want the "best" for the people we love but what do they want? I feel so guilty now because I often wonder if I had not nagged her or if I had not judged her perhaps she wouldn't be where she is today.
Everywhere we look there are reminders to eat healthy and shows on TV about heavy people or loosing weight, nutritional data is on every box of anything edible. They see this and know their options so let them decide.
That been said I do feel your pain, I really do. I wish I could tell you something more helpful, but there is only so much you can do and only so much you can say.
I commend you for coming here and sharing, it shows you care for and are concerned for mother and sister! It's hard to sit and watch someone be self-destructive. I'm shocked that people are "jumping" on you about it! IMO, it sounds like there are some emotional issues going on with your mother and sister. Two active, fit people don't suddenly change like that, something is going on. I think the cause of the unhealthy eating and lack of exercise needs to be addressed.
Like I said, I commend you for coming here and showing your concern. Your mother and sister will have to address these issues when THEY are ready, unfortunately. One day it will just click with them. For a couple years my mother and husband would tell me they were concerned about my weight. Doctors telling me my BP was rising, and cholesterol wasn't good still didn't scare me. One day in September of last year my husband just sat me down and had a heart to heart with me and told me how he was scared for me. The next day I started my new life. I was done with the old me.
I think it's a little aggravating for some (lots) of people to hear, especially from someone whose never been overweight, and maybe even especially if it's their son or brother. The very simple fact of the matter is that just about every obese person on the planet KNOWS ALL TOO WELL that they are not taking care of themselves properly and are risking their health.
The problem isn't acknowledging (especially by having your son/brother preach to you) what the problem is, it's figuring out what to do about it. And the fact that EVERY obese person knows it's bad for them and that there ARE so many obese people proves that it's pretty GDang hard to get it under control. That's where your pushing is not helpful. You have no idea where they are coming from, so how could you possibly have any advice for them?
My thoughts are that you should show your love to these ladies, and if the time/mood is right, let them know your concern and offer to help make changes. Just make sure they know that the ONLY reason you would even bring it up is because you love them so dang much you couldn't bear to lose them a second too soon. Make sure you are not judging, quit quoting the stats of everyone else in the family, and back off if the support is not welcomed.
I do commend you for caring, and I understand your concern -- it IS concerning.
Some families share every detail of their medical information, others don't. There's no reason to pillory BobJack for knowing his mom's medical info; I knew all my mom's medical business too, not because I pried but because she told me. That's the way it is for some families; it's neither better nor worse than more private families, just different.
It is incredibly tough to watch a loved one do something bad for him/her and be unable to fix it. But the fact remains that you can't--not directly. No amount of prodding from you, however lovingly expressed or well-intentioned, will make your mom or sister change. There are ways you can help, though:
- Spend some time with them one-on-one and see how they're really doing. Major changes in a person's body are sometimes indicative of major changes in the mind or heart. Depression and anxiety are some of the darker possibilities, but sometimes people put on weight because they suddenly have a different set of priorities or just don't know how to handle a big lifestyle change (I gained 60 pounds in a year when I started a desk job, for instance).
- Always the carrot, never the stick. There's a lot of shame involved with weight gain for many people; you don't want to reinforce that sense of shame because it can become crippling. Do invite your mom or sister out for walks or to the park; don't imply that the walk is "for your own good." Do eat/cook healthy, tasty meals; don't emphasize how necessary they are. Do offer compliments that aren't related to weight; don't couch insults within compliments (the classic "oh, you have such a pretty face..." compliment, for example).
- Try not to pass judgement. When they do feel ready to make a change, your mom and sister may need someone with whom they can trust their confidences. Be someone they can go to for support by biting your tongue on judgmental comments. This sounds easy, but...well, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes you just want to scream, "Just put down the doughnut/cigarette!" I know this because I've (mentally) screamed it at myself a lot. A lot of folks who've never been overweight don't realize how much it sometimes feels as though the whole world is already screaming at you, already passing judgement; be a safe place, not another condemning voice.
- Cheer their victories. It's awesome that you're in great shape, but you might not know just how hard-fought a two-pound loss is. If your sister or mom gives you good news about dropping a pound or two once they feel ready to move toward health, embrace it!
- Realize that genes are funny things. "Good genes" may express themselves very differently in an older or heavier body than they did in that same body when it was younger and lighter. Simply having excess fat messes with levels of hormones like ghrelin and leptin, making it tougher to lose the fat once it's there than it was to maintain a formerly slim body. Try not to think that your mom and sister gained the weight "in spite of" good genes; they may just have discovered that even good genes don't protect against the nasty feedback loops that excess weight can cause.
I hope things go well for you and your family. Your concern for them is clear in your posts.
When your mom called crying with her doctors report would have been a good time to comfort her and say, "It's okay mom, we can work through this together, we can do xyz and lower the blood pressure and other numbers." That's the good news, this isn't a death sentence, these things are curable.
Some families share every detail of their medical information, others don't. There's no reason to pillory BobJack for knowing his mom's medical info;
I have no idea what that means but having worked in the medical field I just always wonder how people get other people's detailed medical information and somewhat bothered by the posting of information that is not theirs. Beyond being illegal, it just troubles me seeing such things. Having confidentiality a crucial part of many of my jobs, I guess I take certain disbursements of information a bit differently. I would be just as offended if I found out my own child posted about me on the internet.
High cholesterol, high blood pressure, bad liver functions, high blood sugar are not limited to only the obese. My family is rail thin for the most part and high blood pressure runs in the family. I've processed claims for people who weighed 110 pounds and had diabetes. Medical conditions don't say "I'm only going to attack the fat people" they don't discriminate. As I stated, I had perfect blood pressure 70 pounds ago and now I have high blood pressure. Why? I improved myself but my BP got worse. No discrimination.
What I'm saying is that if a healthy, fit person, let alone my child, told me and a bunch of strangers that I was obese and I HAD to do something, I would be offended. "Right intentions, wrong execution" as my friend would say. Your mother is a grown woman. You are her child. You can support her, but you have really no right to tell her what to do.
Bobjack, is there a possibility of any thyroid condition?
I used to be athletic, thin and healthy and then I developed hypothyroidism which caused me to gain weight rapidly and made it very hard to get any motivation to do anything about it. It may not be the case, but just a possibility. Good luck, your heart is in the right place. I know my brothers were worried about me, too.
Some families share every detail of their medical information, others don't. There's no reason to pillory BobJack for knowing his mom's medical info; I knew all my mom's medical business too, not because I pried but because she told me. That's the way it is for some families; it's neither better nor worse than more private families, just different.
It is incredibly tough to watch a loved one do something bad for him/her and be unable to fix it. But the fact remains that you can't--not directly. No amount of prodding from you, however lovingly expressed or well-intentioned, will make your mom or sister change. There are ways you can help, though:
- Spend some time with them one-on-one and see how they're really doing. Major changes in a person's body are sometimes indicative of major changes in the mind or heart. Depression and anxiety are some of the darker possibilities, but sometimes people put on weight because they suddenly have a different set of priorities or just don't know how to handle a big lifestyle change (I gained 60 pounds in a year when I started a desk job, for instance).
- Always the carrot, never the stick. There's a lot of shame involved with weight gain for many people; you don't want to reinforce that sense of shame because it can become crippling. Do invite your mom or sister out for walks or to the park; don't imply that the walk is "for your own good." Do eat/cook healthy, tasty meals; don't emphasize how necessary they are. Do offer compliments that aren't related to weight; don't couch insults within compliments (the classic "oh, you have such a pretty face..." compliment, for example).
- Try not to pass judgement. When they do feel ready to make a change, your mom and sister may need someone with whom they can trust their confidences. Be someone they can go to for support by biting your tongue on judgmental comments. This sounds easy, but...well, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes you just want to scream, "Just put down the doughnut/cigarette!" I know this because I've (mentally) screamed it at myself a lot. A lot of folks who've never been overweight don't realize how much it sometimes feels as though the whole world is already screaming at you, already passing judgement; be a safe place, not another condemning voice.
- Cheer their victories. It's awesome that you're in great shape, but you might not know just how hard-fought a two-pound loss is. If your sister or mom gives you good news about dropping a pound or two once they feel ready to move toward health, embrace it!
- Realize that genes are funny things. "Good genes" may express themselves very differently in an older or heavier body than they did in that same body when it was younger and lighter. Simply having excess fat messes with levels of hormones like ghrelin and leptin, making it tougher to lose the fat once it's there than it was to maintain a formerly slim body. Try not to think that your mom and sister gained the weight "in spite of" good genes; they may just have discovered that even good genes don't protect against the nasty feedback loops that excess weight can cause.
I hope things go well for you and your family. Your concern for them is clear in your posts.
It's tough but like they say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it.
I have family and friends who are severly overweight and as much as it bothers me I can't force them to change their lives. Your mother and sister know you are concerned, leave it at that. Next time they come crying to you just let them know you love them and are worried about them and hope they decide to change. Let them know you want them to be around as much as possible and you'll help them in any way you can. Then just leave it at that, don't make up plans for them, don't tell them what to eat, THEY KNOW what to do. Something else is obviously going on, something they need to figure out on the way, all you can do is be their cheerleader. Unless they specifically ask you what to do I wouldn't offer advice. And even then I'd probably talk to them about making gradual changes, about what they feel they can do for life, etc.
I DEFINITELY feel your pain on this, since I have a father who is morbidly obese, on diabetes and cholesterol medication, and that I worry every day is going to never meet his future grandkids because he won't make it that long. BUT, unfortunately, what has already been said is true. You can't make them change, or even overtly SUGGEST that they change, without crossing lines that will likely lead them to rebel and worsen their habits. What you CAN do is make suggestions for things WITHOUT mentioning weight, but that will maybe get them more active, and by modeling healthy behaviors.
Examples:
When I go to my parents house, I cook. It's healthy and delicious and I don't even mention the calorie count, but it's me modeling healthy behaviors and healthy eating. My parents have asked me for recipes because the stuff was GOOD, not because it was healthy, but it's still better than what my dad was eating before.
I forwarded to my dad (who just retired) a volunteer call for Habitat for Humanity...again, no mention of "get off your butt and do something", but an opportunity that would do that nonetheless, that he would also genuinely enjoy.
I mentioned an event I am training for (Warrior Dash) that I knew would sound fun to him. Not in a "You should do this for me, because you need to move" way, but in a "I am doing this fun thing because it is fun!" way. He immediately expressed interest in doing it too, which will require him to train. I hope he'll follow through and do it with me, but I am not pushing him. Putting the option out there is enough.
People who are overweight know that they are overweight, and usually know at least in general strokes what they need to do to become not overweight. Lecturing, or even talking specifically about their need to lose weight, particularly since you're at a healthy weight, is not going to help. But some careful modeling, suggestion of activities that are first and foremost FUN without mentioning that they are also active, etc CAN make a difference without you ever mentioning weight or health in the equation.
I would try sitting your mom down and talking to her openly and honestly. Apologize to her and tell her that you have reacted badly- that you have never intended to nag her or make her uncomfortable. Tell her that you have wanted to help her but didn't know how. When she called you about her doctor's appointment your heart broke for her and you were scared too. Let her know that you love her unconditionally, but that you are worried about her health. Ask if there's anything you can do to help, and also let her know that you will drop the subject if she wants you to.
And mean it. I don't have a magic 8 ball to tell you exactly what your mother is feeling or why she's gained so much weight. But I can tell you that she feels shame over her condition. Be gentle with her and understand that if she's not going to accept your help this one time that you offer it, you need to let it go until she asks for it. She's either ready, or she isn't.
Regardless, try to get the family together for things that are active and fun- walks at a park, or going to a museum or a theme park. Something that gets everyone moving a bit but enjoying themselves- together. Make some super tasty healthy meals. Throw a BBQ and make homemade, tasty burgers with wheat buns. But, let your mom and sister decide when they are ready to lose weight.
As for posting medical issues- there is no identifying patient information whatsoever, other than what we can scramble together from his posts (number of children, etc.) What he did was not illegal. If he had come here stating that his mother is a diabetic with high blood pressure and celiac disease and was looking for recipes to make a healthy but scrumptious birthday dinner, would we be so riled up? My guess is no. So ease up a bit. He came here looking for advice on helping overweight family members. Some members questioned whether it was because they were "fat"- he clarified it was due to serious health issues. While we may disagree on methods, etc. I think we can all empathize with how difficult it is to watch someone you care about engage in self destructive behaviors.
I would try sitting your mom down and talking to her openly and honestly. Apologize to her and tell her that you have reacted badly- that you have never intended to nag her or make her uncomfortable. Tell her that you have wanted to help her but didn't know how. When she called you about her doctor's appointment your heart broke for her and you were scared too. Let her know that you love her unconditionally, but that you are worried about her health. Ask if there's anything you can do to help, and also let her know that you will drop the subject if she wants you to.
And mean it. I don't have a magic 8 ball to tell you exactly what your mother is feeling or why she's gained so much weight. But I can tell you that she feels shame over her condition. Be gentle with her and understand that if she's not going to accept your help this one time that you offer it, you need to let it go until she asks for it. She's either ready, or she isn't.
Regardless, try to get the family together for things that are active and fun- walks at a park, or going to a museum or a theme park. Something that gets everyone moving a bit but enjoying themselves- together. Make some super tasty healthy meals. Throw a BBQ and make homemade, tasty burgers with wheat buns. But, let your mom and sister decide when they are ready to lose weight.
As for posting medical issues- there is no identifying patient information whatsoever, other than what we can scramble together from his posts (number of children, etc.) What he did was not illegal. If he had come here stating that his mother is a diabetic with high blood pressure and celiac disease and was looking for recipes to make a healthy but scrumptious birthday dinner, would we be so riled up? My guess is no. So ease up a bit. He came here looking for advice on helping overweight family members. Some members questioned whether it was because they were "fat"- he clarified it was due to serious health issues. While we may disagree on methods, etc. I think we can all empathize with how difficult it is to watch someone you care about engage in self destructive behaviors.
