I remember not too long ago someone posted here about eating so much they made themselves sick...another person (who never was 100 lbs overweight but was trying to be helpful) said they might have an eating disorder as eating until one felt sick was not "normal"...I posted that as a person who is over 100lbs over weight eating enough to wish I could vomit was something I did on a very regular basis.
I've done it too and I'd also say it is disordered eating. It may not be bulimia or anorexia but there are professionals in the psych field who do specialize and work with those who are compulsive overeaters. For some, getting professional help can be useful although many of us do without. I've actually looked into getting some help myself but I waiver back and forth on it.
Dawn honey, you took the first step towards change. You were honest about what you really ate. This guy is not the trainer for you. "Tough love" or being a harda$$ does work with some people, but it's obviously not what you need right now.
People who have never faced a major weight challenge have no idea what it's like. I wish you could find a trainer like Michelle said, one who had been big.
The good news is you are here. This is a better support group than you could ever pay for. And you can do it. Take baby steps. It's your journey, you decide how to proceed. Just make sure you continue the journey and never give up.
So I got in my car and sobbed. And came home and sobbed. Now I don't want to send my food diary. I just want to, you know, eat a house.
Anyway, I've been lurking for a long while, but never posted. I'm sorry for the long ramble but .. what would you have said?
How would you answer the question "What does it take to make you change your ways?"
1st of all (((((((((((((((((((huggggggggggg)))))))))))))) and know that you are not alone in knowing how that feels. Some people just dont get it and will never get it. Keep doing your journal and I would also say keep looking for a trainer thet you DO feel comfortable with. If you dont feel comfortable with your trainer, you wont be honest, you will shut down and could stop going. You will succeed!!
I think it comes down to what kind of 'help' you want. Some folks respond well to the 'tough love', Biggest Loser type mentalilty and approach. Other folks respond to kindness, alot of encouragement, good information, strong support,etc. I think each person needs to figure out what they need and then seek it out.
There's something out there for everyone.
Very true. Myself, I respond to tough love. When people give me kindness, encouragement and support, I make excuses for myself and tend to "let" myself eat whatever because I make a big production out of "struggling" and "emotional eating" etc.
When my personal trainer said simply "no, you're not hungry. your body is expecting to eat something at 10 pm because you've fed it that way for years, you're not actually HUNGRY. you don't do anything after 8 pm, you're not active, you're just sitting around, so no, you are not hungry".
After fighting this a bit, I realized she was right. I quit eating after 8 pm and really, I'm not "hungry".
It took her no-nonsense approach and firmness for me to realize it. I respond well to that, but when I told my friend she immediately said "oh, i would sooo not respond well to that!".
To each his/her own!
that's not to say I didn't disagree/fight/argue with her at first. My defenses always go up and I will try to manipulate the situation. Until I checked my ego at the door and thought to myself, what credibility do I have? I'm fat? My personal trainer is not. Hmmm, she might be right. And she was....
Now I'm not saying this approach is for everyone and I'm not asking anyone to agree with my own personal plan of not eating after 8 pm, I'm just pointing out an example of difference approaches working for different people.
Thanks so much for the thoughts and suggestions. And the hug!!
I don't think the trainer is a mean guy. He's way more Bob than Jillian. I think most people lie to him in their journals OR he's never worked with anyone who wasn't more than 30 pounds overweight. It is a big gay gym and most of the men I've seen there are like Men's Health models. It's fab eye candy for me!
I've got six more sessions with him and then I'll re-evaluate. If I could find a formerly fat trainer, that would be fabulous but realistically.. mmm
For me the change I was willing to make was getting BACK in the gym in the first place. I hadn't stepped foot in one for three years and was terrified. So my goal really, for the first month was just to start exercising regularly and get myself into a routine.
Is eating cake for breakfast a good thing? No. Is it a regular thing? No. Mostly I'm a nachos girl.
I know whenever I feel like I'm on a "diet" I freak out. It feels like punishment. I feel trapped. I hadn't really thought about the food part yet, except to get fruits and veggies at the store and try not to let them all rot into compost in the fridge.
I'm trying to think about what to say to the trainer in my next food diary. I'll let you all know how it goes.
Thanks again for being generally fabulous and letting me know I'm not alone! Dawn
Two huge steps! Starting to exercise and talking to us! I have never had a trainer but I had a physical therapist last year. She was super fit, younger than me, blonde ... When I first saw her I thought oh no but she turned out to be fantastic and so helpful. She encouraged me when I was done there to join a gym and was the inspiration for me to start dieting again. If I were you I'd try it for a bit with this guy but if he never helps then switch. Sometimes it's good to be accountable. You don't want somebody who is going to mollycoddle you.
I wouldn't go back, either. I'd MAYBE try to see him one more time, but I'd likely tell him it's not working out and that you want your money back on the remaining sessions. That's one thing that has prevented me from going to see a personal trainer ... I've had trainers that didn't know what to do with a sedentary obese woman, and yeah. Not working. I even thought about starting a thread on here to find out if anyone had resources about a obesity-sensitive trainer in my area.
Let us know what you decide to do, or how the next session turns out! Good luck! You did the right thing by being honest and starting, and not blowing off the trainer after eating cheesecake for breakfast! (That's what I'd probably do - lol)
How about telling him he hurt your feelings. You already know you need to lose weight. Isn't that why you hired him? And tell him you are open to suggestions regarding exercise. His partner is more than welcome to help you come up with an eating plan. And make sure he understands that making fun of you or telling you it's not normal to eat cheesecake for breakfast is NOT helping. I think I would be tempted to look for a different trainer, unless you really want to work with this particular one. His job is to HELP you, not to make you feel worse. If you can find someone who would make suggestions for healthy foods and then get you excited to be active...then wouldn't it be so much better to work out. Woulnd't you be more excited to go work out? Would you feel more hopeful and like you could be succesful?
I don't have a trainer, but if I did, I would jolly well want it to be someone who helped me feel good not feel bad.
*HUGS*
Don't eat the house, just think about what you are doing, what you want to accomplish, and how best to do it. You will be fine if you take care of yourself gently and maybe get a little firmer with others.
First of all, I soooo understand the feeling of being ashamed by someone else. Welcome to a better place.
That said....
Change trainers - now. No point in you trying to educate him - unless he wants to pay you for the learning. "What would it take for you to be a better trainer for obese people?" Grrrr, this kind of ineptness around behavior change by "trainers" and "nutrition counselors" drives me nuts.
Find someone who has empathy, reinforces your efforts and confidence (shaming does NOT ever work for long term change), gives you skills. You have your own set of motivating factors for change - the pros and cons of eating healthy versus continuing to eat non-healthy; same for physical activity. Write them down, revisit them. Use the folks here as role models (look at what people have done!); get advice; give advice; don't quit; when you slip, learn from it. You CAN do this (whatever "this" is for you).
I would suggest instead of just making a goal to lose x number of pounds, set behavioral goals that will get your there. What are the behaviors around eating changes you will have to make? There will be dozens - from monitoring intake to shopping to limiting food in the house, etc. Again, write those down and revisit them. I use my blog to keep myself on track for behavior changes, a journal for emotional response to this journey, and an online site for monitoring food and physical activity.
This is turning into a sermon when all I want is to reassure you that the process is very doable and you are on the right track by seeking support. That trainer is not the right support.
Welcome Dawn! I'm so glad you joined and that you posted your story--It just broke my heart. You were so courageous to be honest, and it's so frustrating that he didn't get it! I think I'm relating to your story a bit too much, I feel like it happened to me! Because it is something that could happen to any of us 100lbers--which is my way of telling you, repeating what others have said, that you are SO not alone.
For me, this site has been above all a place where people understand me, where I find people who engage in the same behavoir that I do, behavoir that until I joined I thought was unique to me, which made me feel awful.
I'd drop the trainer. Nothing personal to him, he just doesn't get it. And I agree with the others, it's not your job to teach him, if you ever even could.
Is it usual for a trainer to get involved in the "food" side of the food-exercise program? I've had 6 or 7 trainers and none of them ever said anything about what food I was eating ... all they seem to be interested in is making me sweat! (maybe that's why I sill have weight to lose ... hmm)
I'm trying to phrase this carefully so it's not just more tough love but the question he asked is a legitimate one. It is a fact that you will have to change your way of eating in order to lose weight. Cheesecake and nachos ain't gonna do it, emotional eating or not. It's clear that you do want to change - you signed up with a personal trainer and you found your way to 3fc - two GREAT beginning steps. What next step are you ready to take?
Been there, done that. Having someone look at what you eat is an incredibly confronting thing, especially for emotional eaters. I went off the rails for 3 weeks after having the food journal meeting with my trainer. She told me that I didn't need to bother counting calories, and should stop eating cake. So I kept eating cake and stopped counting calories. It took me three weeks to work out why I was struggling so much (see this blog post: http://idratherbesittingonthecouch.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-know-why.html ) and when I did I was sooooo annoyed. Particularly because how I was eating was working for me, and the trainer obviously had very little nutritional training and absolutely no idea about how to advise me. But don't do what I did and go off the rails for almost a month!
I have yet to go back to the trainer, or try another one. It would probably help, but I don't want to risk reacting like I did last time. The fact is that I have an eating disorder, and someone who is untrained in psychology is unlikely to be able to help me.
But ((((hugs)))), it can be done. With or without the perfect trainer.
I also completely relate to what you are saying. I also struggled with very disordered eating that I felt completely powerless to change. I consulted a bunch of different professionals. I remember talking to a weight loss psychologist and he asked me to tell him my typical meals and snacks.... well the problem was, I could tell him what meals I ate, but I had no idea what a snack was. How do you explain that you eat breakfast and then pop back in the kitchen for a handful of this and a spoonful of that every fifteen minutes all day. I said something like "what counts as a snack" and I saw his little psychologist eyebrows shooting up, like AHA A NUT JOB, and I was completely humiliated.
The only thing I can say is that when I eventually did decide to change, that change came from inside me.... it had nothing to do with any advice anyone was giving me. I DECIDED to do it, and then everything followed from there. The second most important thing was support from right here.
If it were me, I would not go back to someone who made me feel embarrassed and didn't get it. That would not help me, personally.
