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#166

Noodles913 , 05-13-2004 05:02 AM

The Word "Service"...
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

City/County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

Have a wonderful day , and I hope you are now as enlightened as I am!
#167

Teufelchen , 05-13-2004 12:47 PM

HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4 High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
#168

Noodles913 , 05-14-2004 11:11 AM

Interesting Workout!!!
HERE'S A WORKOUT FOR SENIORS...

(and you under 65ers can join in too)

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

Monday:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of molehills
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Sunday:
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage him or her.

Whew! What a workout!
#169

blugirrl1 , 05-14-2004 01:24 PM

noodles you find some good ones.
#170

Noodles913 , 05-14-2004 01:35 PM

The "boys" give me some good material.
#171

Noodles913 , 05-18-2004 04:23 AM

Inner Peace...
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me....
and at this time of year we could all use a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have found the
secret to inner peace. The article read, "The way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't
finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey. And the
prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.... You may pass this on to those you feel
are in need of Inner Peace.
#172

Noodles913 , 05-18-2004 04:27 AM

Used Car Lot
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his
evening rounds...

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two
little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped
and asked them if they were stealing the car.

They said "Heavens no, we bought it." He said, "Then
why don't you drive it away".

Each of the women said "We can't drive".

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked
"Then why did you buy it?"

They answered, "Word around town is if you buy a car here,
you'd get screwed, so we're waiting patiently."
#173

Noodles913 , 05-18-2004 04:32 AM

Idiots of 2003
Number One Idiot of 2003
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset
because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no
need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, but at
the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her
daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her
that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right
away.

Number Two Idiot of 2003
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for
a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2003
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote:
"this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller's window! So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2003
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately
mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2003
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you
are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact
over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave them the name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Number Six Idiot of 2003
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Number Seven Idiot of 2003
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems
the liquor store window was made of Plexi- Glass. The whole event was
caught on videotape.
#174

Noodles913 , 05-18-2004 04:43 AM

Lincoln VS. Kennedy
Make sure you read the whole story!

Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with an "0" at the end.
> > > 1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
> > > 1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
> > > 1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
> > > 1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
> > > 1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
> > > 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
> > > 1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
> > > 1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
> > > 2000: George W. Bush ????????????

And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the
one elected in 2000.

You might also be interested in this.
Have a history teacher explain this if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the "kicker":

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy, huh? Show this to as many people as you can, because:
Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading!
#175

blugirrl1 , 05-18-2004 10:29 AM

Noodles, that is kinda freaky .
#176

mauvaisroux , 05-18-2004 04:01 PM

Bizarre!
#177

QuinnLaBelle , 05-18-2004 08:30 PM

history repeating itself?
#178

Noodles913 , 05-20-2004 09:51 AM

Milk Bath....
A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought probably she meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said:

"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my nipples!"
#179

Noodles913 , 05-20-2004 09:57 AM

Man And Diamond Ring...
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that
everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank
tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very teeed off jeweler phones the man. " You bd
you lied there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!!"
#180

Noodles913 , 05-20-2004 09:59 AM

Wisconsin Goodies!!
GOOD

Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem -- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.

"He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

Closed