I am recovering from binge-eating disorder and this is my SECOND day binge-free. I've got to start somewhere.
I have all this on another blog but I don't want to self-promote, so I'm posting some thoughts from there here. I'm just looking for some support from people who are going through what I am, or for any advice they might have. Anything is appreciated.
I developed binge eating disorder three years ago, after spending all of high school obsessing with staying skinny. The past three years, flying wildly between self-starvation to gorging myself and gaining weight, and self-hate to self-compassion, have been a whirlwind of my emotions. Tears, frustration, anger, hatred, and obsession have gotten the better of me on countless occasions.
However, I am determined to live my life to the fullest. I refuse – I repeat, REFUSE - to allow anything to get in the way of this. All I’ve been through I’ve done almost entirely alone (with a couple failed attempts with a therapist, and a few close friends who’ve compassionately listened to my struggle). When I have binged, it cripples me; it destroys my happiness.
I’m going public here because part of me is scared. Part of me is absolutely terrified to the bones of giving up binge eating. Eating has been my sedative that numbs me and comforts me when life is hard, even though I know that it destroys me at the same time. A very primal urge wants me to keep binge eating. But I know that the feelings of eating until I can’t move brings worse evils. I’ve felt the deepest despair and hopelessness. I’ve felt absolute hatred for myself and even for people I love. I’ve felt unending sadness and worthlessness.
When I have been binge-free for extended periods of time, for whatever reason, I know that the happiness it brings is worth literally any amount of trouble, pain, time, and effort. I know that I must give up the habit I have developed to free myself from these bonds and experience peace of mind.
I know that the time for this to end – PERMANENTLY, and forever – is now. I know this is the most important thing I need to do for my happiness.
Of course, I never want to binge again, ever. To begin smaller, I’m starting off by declaring 30 days binge free. I’ve finished two out of thirty so far. I am determined, with every cell of my being, to overcome this bad habit that has become the sole obstacle to my happiness. I am determined, and NOTHING will break me.
Yesterday, for some reason, was easy. And today was hard. Today was really hard. I almost broke. But the key here is almost - I didn't give in. I'm going to stick this through, and never binge eat again. Here's to day three, tomorrow!
<3
