Caution: whine ahead.

So I've laid off the evening overeating, figured out how to eat an ACTUAL (not an imagined) 1200 calories a day, and have been working very hard at the gym. I've been ignoring hunger pangs left and right, and I had -finally- lost 2 pounds. Then, 3 days ago, the scale shot back up overnight by 2 1/2 pounds for no apparent reason except some excessive salt. The last 2 days have only brought me back down to the 127 I was 3 (and 4, and 5 and 6) weeks ago. Krampus can lost 5 pounds in 5 days on 1200 calories, and I can't lose a single ounce in 2 weeks. Poor me.

Told you it wasn't pretty.

I own PB2 and often use it as an additive in things like oatmeal, but the creaminess of real pb is, i think, what made that pb banana combination actually feel satisfying. So often I try to fool myself into thinking I've had dessert when I eat a sugar-free ff chocolate pudding or 1/2 c. of frozen yogurt, and I think the reason they fail to satisfy is that the fat content isn't there.

Okay, I'm lousy at check-ins, which is why I've never posted here, but I figured I would just chime in once and a while to see how I do

I've been reading some of your posts and it's been good to read the suggestions and, yes, even the struggles (I'm not alone! --I knew that, though).

Andrea, that's frustrating! I can only weigh myself once or twice a month. Any more than that, and I tend to get obsessive about the numbers. Do you have a set day each week that you count as your "official" weight?

Ever since I weighed on Tuesday & learned at was about 3-5 lbs. above my happy weight, I've been doing much better. I haven't been perfect, but I will end the week with about a 1,000-calorie deficit. I know---that's not even 1/3 of a pound, but it's progress (especially, when I've been consistently going over my weekly calories).

Andrea-- I was also silently cursing Krampus with her big loss this week-- it's our age most likely vs. hers. Sorry to be blunt. I am right around her weight and height (her high weight-- not her lose 5 pounds in a week weight)-- If only I could restrict for a week and lose weight like that. I'm more like you.... I was 123 before my cruise in Mid March. I returned a week later 10 pounds higher. I've been fighting ever since to take it off. This morning I was 126.8 which is the lowest I've been since the trip. I leave for a week in Houston next week. Houston has great restaurants and lots of temptations for me. I will have a hard time. I know that. I cannot gain there though. I just can't. It's too hard. I'm too tired....

Today was yet another challenge. Dd wanted to go to Cheesecake Factory with the kids she was babysitting (and me). It ended up being a disaster-- she is getting a real feel for motherhood-- she is babysitting a 3 year old (with major behavior issues) and a 9 month old baby all weekend. Of course, we ended up boxing up our meals and leaving. I ordered a "healthy" choice from their "skinny" menu-- a spicy chicken salad-- it had around 400 calories but lots of sodium. I hope the scale doesn't spike up but I suspect it will.

Andrea-- hopefully the mystery weight comes back off again. Hugs!!

It's true about the fat, Andrea. There is something psychologically and physically satisfying to the fat in foods. I'm pretty sure I read an article on just that last week.

Golf yesterday was a blast! We came in last place (five foursomes and we were just one over par). We didn't stay for dinner and awards because of DD in town--so our dinner was much better calorie-wise. Salads of baby lettuces with rotisserie chicken on top with whatever toppings anyone wanted (mine was spicy pecans, craisins and gorgonzola). My weight is steady, which is good for the weekend!

I wanted to see two movies in a row today that are playing up at the Jacob Burns Film Center, "Frances Ha" and Sarah Polley's "The Stories We Tell." But they spanned over the lunch hours, which left me slightly panicked. I imagined having to bring food and eat sadly inside my car. Then I calmed myself down and said: "I'll forage in the neighborhood. There is bound to be an option. Providence will provide." I enjoyed my movies, and sure enough, there was a self-described "healthy fast food" place just around the corner from the movie theater, a good casual place for me to sit. I had a vegetarian black bean chili, wonderfully cumin-scented and NOT oversalted, and a side salad. I was happy. I need to trust in providence more often and worry a lot less.

Saef, good for you, and I notice the scale is down a few pounds as well.

Michele, yes I know it has a lot to do with being 40-something though understanding that doesn't make it better.

So I finished that book "Ditching Diets." Like "Brain Over Binge" it essentially says to learn to let the voice in your head clamoring for more just chatter without paying it any mind, convince yourself that it is just habit talking, tell yourself that you have free will and you're choosing health over instant gratification, and eventually the urges will fade. Ditching Diets also makes a big point about not having to be perfect- that simply cutting down on how often you choose to give in to your "addictive desire" is a huge step forward (I think she's writing primarily for dieters rather than maintainers). While the cynic in me knows perfectly well that it just isn't that easy, I have also been able to stop binging every night mostly by following these principles. The part I can't seem to master is BELIEVING that I genuinely prefer not to overeat, and that therefore I won't feel deprived. I feel massively deprived, and triply so because I'm experiencing hunger, skipping many foods I want, and STILL not losing weight.

Best part of my day today: I went on a 6 mile bike ride with my 11 year old son. The day was beautiful and we both enjoyed the trip. I felt such pleasure and pride just watching him riding in front of me, knowing that my baby/toddler/preschooler/grade-schooler is mature enough to get around the city safely now.

Andrea - I've decided I would rather NOT eat dessert at all than try to fool myself with a tiny sugar-free, fat-free pudding or something similar. It only makes me crave more. I can do berries mixed in yogurt, or something more substantial and less sweet, but being satisfied with a small cookie? No, uh uh.

I bought the Kindle version of Ditching Diets and will start it soon. Yes, it's yet another book that probably tells me things I already know, but it's another tool in the tool kit.

saef - I want to see both of those movies! And I'm glad there was provision for your lunch, which sounds delicious. I still get stressed out about planning ahead for "safe" food, which is somewhat silly when I consider that, when I truly try, I've never not been able to find a healthier option, even at outdoor festivals or in the middle of nowhere.

Michele - A few years ago, when I was deep into my initial weight loss, friends wanted to go to the Cheesecake Factory and I ordered something called the "Weight Management Chicken Salad." What a terrible name! Please draw attention to the dieter at the table! However, I do remember thinking it was a yummy salad.

lin43 - Please check in whenever, if you want to and it helps. I definitely feel that consistency is better than perfection.

I'm back at home after a week with family, but the stress isn't over yet. Oh, well. And I've been invited to a cookout tonight and want to go, but I have no idea what the food situation will be. Maybe I'll have a naked hamburger patty and a light beer. Yum! Hopefully there will be some veggies available - if I have time, I'll try to pick some up before I go. But time isn't on my side today, as I have some work that needs to get done before I head into the office tomorrow.

Have a lovely Memorial Day, everyone!

Oh, I forgot! I've slowly been working my way through the Quest bars I bought to try out, and yesterday I tried the cinnamon roll flavor for the first time. My favorite! I love cinnamon, and this was great. It also was fresh and kind of soft, which helped, but the flavor was great.

DD left me a Quest bar to try--cashew something or other. I'm going to take it to work and have as a snack this week. I had an interesting conversation with DD this weekend. Most of you know she's lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 55 pounds over the past year and a half. She's currently doing a "shred" competition with some others in hopes of really defining her muscles. She's also joined a crossfit gym and loves that. She said that although she really liked Nutrisystem (she was the one that got us into it) but now feels as if the calories were too low for her and that she's afraid it may have messed up her metabolism. So right now she's not trying to lose any weight, but is trying to gain more muscle and less fat. She's upping her calories to 3000. Yikes! That scares the heck out of me, but she's no longer in school (for the next 3-4 months) and is planning on long, arduous workouts or twice daily workouts at her two gyms. She eats 6 HUGE meals. I think I'd die eating that much! I didn't dissuade her as she has been reading a lot and studying to know what she needs, but I still think that's a lot more calories than she really needs.

Me? Holding steady, unfortunately. At least I'm not gaining.

Wow ! 3000 calories a day ! That is more than twice what I eat. I suppose binges would be at least that much but I never count those , the truth would be too brutal.
Your daughter has youth on her side plus doing a lot of exercise. It will be interesting to see how this works for her.
Allison, good for you for not gaining that is a great feat in itself.

Yeah, bargoo, it will be interesting to see what that many calories does for her. I believe she's been doing it for a few weeks and so far hasn't gained or lost anything, so it must be working. She plans on doing it for about 6 months and then will try dieting again to lose those last 10 pounds she wants to lose. I guess she's read enough to know what she needs. I know that if I were to eat that much I would gain, but perhaps it is because I don't exercise as much as she does.

I think she thinks we're too sedentary. And I think she thinks it's rubbing off on the dogs. She ran sprints up and down our street yesterday and had the dogs with her off leash (we live on a dead-end street with little to no traffic). She said after 3 sprints the dogs were tired. Well, it's true we don't exercise them like we should mainly because I feel bad for Chico hobbling around on three legs. But it's also true that the dogs are senior citizens. And I'm proud to say that I did exercise today--30 minutes on the treadmill. I do hope that this is something I will continue to do for the next few months. It's a start anyway.

Wow! That's great. Maybe we should take a page from her book!

Saef: You are exactly right. 3 days of extreme stress make it very easy to over-control my body and my food intake, versus the chronic, ongoing failing-at-work stress that makes me eat too much.
What really helped me was being imprisoned in a hotel room. The interviews took up the entire day (7 am to 10 pm) so all my meals were eaten in front of groups of interviewers. Awesome appetite suppressant! Then I went back to my tiny room that contained no food. Truthfully, if I had been able to go home every night, I would have binged for sure because of the pent-up anxiety.

ETA: I had to google "Procrustes". Now I get the reference to his bed!! And that is a perfect metaphor for that pilates situation.

Neurodoc: I really do feel your pain. This last week I was really on my game, trying to get ready for a wedding on Saturday. Despite eating at a 600 calorie deficit every day and exercising quite a lot, I only maintained at 138 pounds for a few days. I ultimately ended at 140 on Saturday. I think I need to go back to weekly or every-other-week weighins, I can't handle the roller coaster.

I observed something in myself over the past few days that I'm still working out in my mind.

I'm going to call it Scarcity Thinking. The behaviors & anxieties associated with it seem to be:

- Eating beyond satiation, simply because the food is there, as if someone might take it away & I need to eat it to claim it & make sure it's mine
- Having difficulty stopping eating, needing to eat it all, either all of what's on my plate, all that is immediately visible, all of what's in a container, all of what's in the house,
- Eating now, out of a fear of not being able to eat later, and in a related note
- Anxiety over the near future, when I don't know exactly what, where and when I'll be eating
- When setting up appointments, feeling vaguely anxious if they're close to a designated feeding time, because what if I miss a feeding or the feeding is delayed

I suspect chronic dieting brings on Scarcity Thinking, and that my time suffering from a more severe eating disorder than I'm currently coping with gave me an irrational fear of restriction and lack of trust in myself: I could no longer trust myself to feed me, to pay attention to hunger signals, to take care of myself, and so part of me became single-minded & animalistic where food is concerned.

I am afraid of going for long periods not eating, or of not having access to the "right" food. I am afraid of hunger. Not just a little hunger, but the gnawing all-day hunger of a hard-exercising anorectic.

I've even got some faint clues of where this comes from, though they may be off-base -- but I have been wondering.

Whenever my mother visits, after she's had her very sweet, high-caloric breakfast (donuts, pastries, Sausage Egg McMuffins, pancakes & syrup) at around 9:30 AM, if she wants to shop, embark on a project or go sightseeing, she will become so caught up in these activities that she not only won't eat, she won't even pause to **think of** eating. Whereas with me, who had a lighter breakfast around 5 AM, by the time 3 PM rolls around I am famished & I am irritable. "Don't you want to eat?" "No, not really." She's always been like this, and I've always been the other way, wanting to eat a lunch or something before dinner.

And no, my mother isn't thin. She is morbidly obese. After dinner, she grazes pretty much nonstop. And her meal at 3:30 PM, when she finally does get hungry, is often fast food or dessert-like treats.

Did my mother take me along on errands when I was a kid, and forget to eat for long periods of time? I'll never know ...

Anyway, Scarcity Thinking, the belief that food may not be coming around for a while, due to events beyond my control (or within my control, but overcontrolled by my will) seems to be part of the problem here.

saef, re; Scarcity thinking...
I think I suffer from Over Abundance thinking. When I shop I am shopping for several days, maybe a week so when I get home and put everything away I have lots of food. Somehow my mind thinks I should eat it all as soon as possible not remembering I won't be going to the store for at least another week. I know I can make another trip to the store but I also know if I do I will start thinking I should eat it right away, why ? Because it is there, readily available.