Saef--- you totally sound like me when I'm sick. I also have a cold and I'm forcing myself to power through. It came at a good time relatively as I was out of town and could only get some walk/hikes in so I didn't feel too guilty. I did do yoga yesterday as the cold is winding down and it felt great.

I'm not sure where I am mentally with my weight. It is down a tad from my all time high yesterday but still WAY over my redline-- like almost 7 pounds....

Allison - I'm like you on the healthy BMI thing. But at this point my pants aren't fitting right with my healthy BMI, so something has to give.

Michele - I'm so so far over my redline. I'm totally not happy with it.

Bill - My dad is from SE Texas, near the Louisiana border, and down there crayfish are called crawfish (which is the fancy term) or more usually crawdaddies or even mudbugs. And they are delicious.

Ah, our old friend obsession. I actually saw a counselor for some of 2011-12 - I ended up talking about a lot of things, but the main precipitating factor that got me into counseling was my obsession with food/calories/weight loss/changed body image/all of it. (I reach GW in the summer of 2011 and had a heck of a time adjusting.) Seeing a counselor helped some, time helped some, but mostly I'm aware that there will always be a level of obsession.

Alizarin - I've had many of the same thoughts you've had. I, too, have calculated others' BMIs, in order to see where I compare! For me, I'm aware that's not mentally healthy behavior and I'm actively working on seeing others' stats and then choosing not to think about then or apply them to myself.

It's cheesy and cliche and all that, but I really do think to myself sometimes, "Comparison is the thief of joy." When I compare myself to others, I only hurt myself.

Of course, this doesn't help when we compare ourselves to the weights that we've been before and want to get back to!

I do wonder when/if I'll ever be happy with my body. As is the same with many of you, I'm at a healthy weight and physically fit in many ways. I mean, I used to weigh more than 200 pounds and get winded walking up one flight of stairs! But I can't get the "five more pounds" whisper to leave my head. And, although I'm very close to being back under my red line, I'm already thinking about how much more I want to go under it.

I am so glad that I am not the only one that checks other people's stats.

I will be cruising along, pretty content, and then I'll see someone much taller then me with the same weight or someone my height with a lower weight and then I start the doubting and self-recrimination. YOU HAVE TO GET LOWER the voice in my head starts to say.

After running the 1/2 marathon on Saturday I rationalized that it was perfectly fine for me to stuff my face - especially with carbs - the rest of the day since I had run the race. Then the next day was Mother's Day. Bring a dish to pass apparently translated to "We need 7 different desserts and hamburgers". It was NOT GOOD.

I ate and ate and ate and even had some potato chips - I haven't eaten potato chips in like 2+ years!! Ug. So my weight is way up, but I'm drinking to flush my system and hopefully I didn't do too much damage in 2 days.

DH's b-day is today, and I was stressing because I knew that he loves pizza and I would feel obliged to indulge with him. Instead he elected to make a huge pizza for himself using this dough he loves from Price Chopper which frees me up to have something different. I am going to have a turkey leg cooked on the grill and broccoli. I know a turkey leg isn't the best choice ever, but better then pizza and wings!!

Jen

Everybody carries their weight so differently that it's hard to know what someone looks like based on their height and weight.

I also feel like everyone thinks they carry their weight the worst. I certainly have a complex about this. Most white, black, Arab, South Asian and Latina women I see who are my height and weight appear to carry way less fat than I do.

I am really working on accepting myself and not feeling like a failure because I have not maintained my lowest scale weight ever (121-122 WHEN I WAS VERY SICK AND COULDN'T EAT mind you). I can tell it is irrational as h@ll because there is like a 20 lb difference in how I feel at 123.something vs over 124.5 and that's just. not. rational.

My SIL put up a picture up on FB of the group of us from our Mother's Day luncheon last weekend and tagged me. When I got dressed that morning I thought I looked GREAT in my dress. Now that I see the picture I'm freaked out and think I look terrible. Others have seen the pic and told me how great I look. It is all about perception, I guess.

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome

JenMusic - I completely agree, the constant comparing isn't healthy. One of the things I'm working on, seeing myself as a whole person, not just a weight/height figure. If that worked, then comparing myself to those numbers on my computer screen would seem like an outrageously ridiculous idea anyway

Wednesday is the day I weigh and track officially. I saw about 4 different numbers on the scale, which was weird, but all of them were under red line!

I'm going to say I'm now 122.8. When I plugged that number into my tracker, I looked back and realized I haven't been under red line in OVER a year! Apparently my "red line" was just a flexible suggestion - which is how I ended up at 130 before things got serious.

I've decided I'm aiming for 120. That was my weight when I called goal the first time, and it's also my driver's license weight. That's kind of arbitrary, I know, but it gives me some wiggle room.

I don't like comparisons. I think they undermine one's own sense of self and individuality and I don't think anyone benefits.

I came in yesterday afternoon and went straight to sleep. How lovely! The SO made the tea and I had two helpings (hungrier than usual as no food late afternoon). Dahl, rice, nippy mince. And I had yoghourt and mango chutney. Same again tonight but with black-eyed peas to stretch out the mince.

Trainer first thing this morning. Podiatrist (again) later on. Emergency work phone calls in between. And now I'm in a car park, next to a railway line, letting my lunch go down. What did I have? I knew you'd ask me that. Ham, celery, tomatoes and four cream crackers. You do what you can sometimes.

I've worked out (again, I think) that pyjamas can affect my hip as they prevent full movement in the night. Good finding so I'll work out what to do next. It's not warm enough to wear a round-necked nightie or go starkers (come on!) so I think it might have to be pyjama jacket and knickers in bed, and jacket & trousers (yes, and fleece) outside.

On day three of the flu, the inside of my nose is constantly burning and sometime yesterday, I lost my sense of smell and most of my sense of taste, except for a slight saltiness from my lunch of home-made chicken soup. You'd think I'd eat less, but I appear used to timed feedings at various hours of the day, which lead me to the kitchen at regular intervals. Late this morning, when I did get hungry, it was a strangely utilitarian undertaking to get enough food in me to make it stop. Still, I suspect I've gained rather than lost weight because my heavy exercise schedule is on hold till I can breathe better.

Misery loves company: All you who are over your redline, I feel particularly close with you.

If this illness would just end, I will sign onto a reform program with my own blood.

Saef, I'm sympathetic to your plight and all that but I suppose once a researcher, always a researcher. Can you tell us a little about how your reform program would look? Are any vignettes of the future flitting across your mind? Is anyone/anything else involved? Might it involve going for rambles in nature or any of those other Calming the F Down things advocated by Krista Scott Dixon? Speaking for myself, when I'm not tottering about with tissues and hot lemon I sometimes have moments of crystal clarity.

After I see the trainer I tend to become very very tired. You can guess what I did when I got home and I was so terribly groggy when I got up that I ate some unplanned carbs. That was a shame.

Congrats Jen!! Yes, I think my red line has become more of a flexible suggestion which isn't good. My first goal is to get below it (125) and I set myself a reward-- if I can be below it solidly for one week, I will get a new yoga outfit from lululemon. It will probably take a while to get there, but sometimes I briefly see it and then go up again. Therefore, I want to see it for a solid week.

Saef says: You'd think I'd eat less, but I appear used to timed feedings at various hours of the day, which lead me to the kitchen at regular intervals.

This is me as well Saef. I never lose weight when I'm sick. Remember you also retain fluid when you're ill, so don't weigh yourself!

Silverbirch - I don't think we've really overlapped on the boards much, and I must say I'm enjoying reading your thoughts and input. Thank you for taking the time to share. Also, you give my British English a workout! (What the heck is a "nippy mince"?)

saef - I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. Please try not to stress out too much about it - that does no good. Easier said than done, of course, and I often have trouble taking my own advice on that one. At least, as Michele said, don't weigh yourself!

Michele - I, too, want to see this number or lower for a solid week. I'm traveling next week so no scale, but I'm visiting my immediate family, all fully on board with my routine - so I know I can be in charge of my food and exercise there. No excuses.

Looking forward long term, I'd love to be OK with the occasional (once every couple of weeks) bout of "overeating" (a nice dinner out, a ball game) without having that become a reason for an out-of-control eating extravaganza. I think my weight gain last year was a combination of those two things: 1) Everything became a special occasion and 2) My occasional "binges" increased.

Ain't that a shame/ my tears fell like rain/ you're the one to blame

Taken from Ain't That A Shame by Fats Domino

Birchie, my moment of crystal clarity was that, if all the exercise, eating certain things and eschewing others, and watching my weight was about health, then why did I get so sick? And why do I feel so guilty at stopping most of those activities to heal? Why do I feel like a failure who isn't measuring up when I'm just down with the flu? Am I not even allowed stop for that?

This is not about health. It's about anxieties over measuring up, a drive toward power, toward achievement, and a display of self-mastery and discipline, a hunger for praise. That's what it is. And also a love of beauty, though with a very conventional definition of what beauty is.

I did weigh myself, despite Michele's good counsel, mostly because my monstrous imagination had half-convinced me that I had regained 100 pounds over three days, just from lying about in sweatpants. I'm 151.5 after breakfast. This will draw a reproach from my doctor at my appointment this afternoon, as I'll be 155 at least on his scale.

I'm in that place where I have a better angel and a bad angel on either shoulder, but keep not listening, thinking stubbornly: "I want what I want."