Saef, thanks so much for sharing. I'm in the beginning of my maintenance phase (though I'd still like to lose) and it's comforting to hear that someone else struggled with this for years and that I'm not and idiot for not already having it all figured out.
For me, it's definitely an anxiety thing. Whenever I get rattled (I don't know how else to describe it), I find myself compelled to go to the refrigerator over and over again. Mind you, a binge for me is like a dozen homemade chocolate chip cookies, but in WW points, those 12 cookies are an entire day's worth of points. If it's not the chocolate chip cookies, it's something else.
Removing food from the house doesn't change the behavior, and there are only so many things I can remove from the house. I've come to realize that there will always be something to binge on, so I try to focus on dealing with the behavior rather than avoiding specific foods.
My current approach has been to let myself have things back in the house that I was trying to ban thinking it would stop the binges. I was making cookies every two days at first, but last week I went six days without making another batch. I'm hoping to go even longer this week. But having things around all the time removes the "it's almost gone, I need to enjoy it while I have it" compulsion.
I'm also trying to learn other substitute behaviors. Knitting. Soduko puzzles. Tidying the house. I know I don't lose weight when I'm tense, and right now I'm very, very tense. I did eat six chocolate chip cookies today, but it was only six, and I dealt with the tension in other ways. I wish I could just relax once. I know when I was losing, if I was stressed, I would plateau for a few days and then once the stress passed, I'd have a big drop that would make up for what I didn't loose while I was tense. Somehow I need to get back to that place of mental peace.
What an interesting thread! Thanks to everyone for sharing. I don't know if what I'll have to say will fit in with it, but here goes:
I can't say ever had a binging disorder. What I ate day to day was just the norm for me. I guess you can say every meal I had was a binge. I was probably consuming well over 4,000 calories a day, and as much at 10,000. My weight was a never ending upward spiral that just kept rising and rising. I never only ate until I was "satisfied" whatever that means when it comes to food. To this day, I don't know what a satisfied feeling is when I eat. I just tell myself what I can and can't have. I give myself limits. In the past year and a half, I have only gotten up for seconds ONE time. But with every meal, especially the good ones, I could always have a bit more, I just stop myself before I do it. It's even gotten to the point where I feel embarassed if I get up for seconds. But I think that's a whole different issue.
Yet, in spite of what I've posted, vs. what the actual topic of this thread is about, there are SO many times where I find myself wanting to go back to old eating habits. Sometimes I come really close to it. I just psych myself out to be stronger. I've got to, I've got nothing else. There is no magical brainwashing, food addiction cure pill or method. Mind over matter. I wish I never developed this unhealthy relationship with food, but it is what it is. And although each day is an ongoing battle with myself, I somehow keep coming out on top. At the end of the day, I never want to go back to where I was. I can't. Yet, every day, I know deep down, that obese woman is still lurking inside me trying to escape...
Thank you, thank you everyone. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone. I guess just as with weight loss, it's important to know we can't be perfect all the time. We will slip, but just as with weight loss as long as we are back on plan immediately we will continue to maintain just as we all continued to lose. I guess just part of me felt like, if I can't get this under control, well then it's only a matter of time before I'm 268 lbs again. That doesn't have to be true, and I know this. So one day at a time, one situation at a time, on meal at a time. I can maintain this weight for the long term and along the way...well a binge may happen, but I will do everything in my power to keep control the best I can and always, ALWAYS return to my plan.
I have to say that this is an extreamly interesting thread. I've wanted to comment several times, but felt as though my reply would sound weird...
At one time I felt as though I only could relate to people who started out in the morbidly obese catagory... I always felt that "we" had a whole set of issues that the plain old "overweight" could not relate to, or even understand. Several posts in this thread opened my eyes wide open to this issue and I can honetly say that I can relate to at least one point each person has made....no matter what weight they started out at. (Just thought I throw that out there...)
As some of you may know, when I first started out with my weight loss I never "cheated". I stayed on plan day after day, month after month. I wanted the weight off as quickly as possible. I remember some people felt I was setting myself up for a binge by being so strict...so I set out to prove them wrong. Well, when I finally made it goal I admit, I had few "controlled binges". And nothing happened. I didn't crash and burn, I didn't gain back 190 pounds overnight. I just felt guilt. I'd get back on the wagon and all was well. So then I'd go a little deeper...still didn't sink. Then a little deeper...and as long as I'd come up for air, I was still fine.
I'm to the point now, I think, that true binges (as in 1000's of fast calories) no longer appeal to me. Besides fast food, (which I have vowed to never eat again and don't desire to eat), I have eaten more than my share of all the forbidden foods I never allowed myself to eat while I was strictly dieting. I've binged on cheese cake, and on ice cream and all that junk I craved but denied myself of for so many months. And here I am, the same weight and still getting out of the water before it gets too deep. A binge just isn't exciting to me anymore. It's just food. Now, I'm not saying that food has lost it's power...NO WAY, it will always be an issue, but eating myself silly just doesn't "do it" for me anymore.
Lori Bell- so glad you commented, I did the same, didn't cheat on my diet once in the 10mo. it took me to lose the weight. I was very strict, only would eat my certain foods that I felt were safe. Once that weight was gone, I indulged big time, binging 1 or 2 times a week on junk food at home. I also did not go near fast food, I didn't even want it. Still don't want it & it's been over 2 yrs. I'm over the binge thing too ( like 4000-6000 cal. at one time), it is just food, nothing you haven't tasted before. I'm more of an overeater now, but that's getting better too. At least with over eating I consume much less calories than a with a binge & i don't feel sick afterwards. Feeling sick for 2 days just isn't worth it anymore for me, & I make sure when I am eating something junky, I don't go overboard cause I don't want to feel that way.
Time to revive this thread. I am having a super hard time. I've had a six pound gain since Jan. 20th. Today, the day started bad and just got worse and I ended up forcing myself to add up my calories-- which totaled 2500.
I binge when I get anxious and I'm super anxious right now. I'm not even binging on cheesecake or anything interesting. I'm just eating all day long.
That's an interesting idea about keeping food in the house so you can get normal exposure to it - like it's always there so you don't have to binge.
I am moving in with my boyfriend next month and we've joked that we need to keep food under lock and key. (kind of funny, but not really, because while I can binge on bad foods I can also binge on okay foods and healthy foods).
It's still a struggle for me, but it's somewhat reassuring I'm not alone in this.
I've been experimenting this week with keeping "bingeable" food in the house. Nothing too challenging - peanut butter and cereal is a bit much - but single serving portions of things like nuts, chocolate, etc. It's working well. I put it in the pantry and sometimes if I feel like it I'll bring a small portion to work.
Jeez, I need to be like the poster child of this thread, lol...
I am happy to say that I have not binged (or restricted!) for nearly two weeks. But that two week hump is hard for me, for some reason that's when the bingemonster starts making justifications like "you've done so well for so long, time for a treat." But now that I've snapped myself out of the binge/restrict pattern that I had been in for a few weeks, I'm hoping I can stick with it this time.
Last night was hard for me. I was so perfectly beautifully on plan all day, but it was my husband's birthday. I made him a homemade yellow cake with homemade cream cheese frosting and decorated with sliced strawberries. I amazingly managed to not use my mouth as the waste bucket for cake scraps or leftover frosting. I had a smidge of frosting just for a taste check, but it was just a dot on my little finger. But then it was actual cake-eating time. I had honestly planned on not having any cake, but when the time came, I gave in and had a tiny piece. I was annoyed that I'd have to add several hundred calories on my calorie counter for that tiny piece and that familiar all-or-nothing feeling crept in. I was thinking that I'd already blown it by having unplanned cake, why stop at that tiny unsatisfying piece? So I had an extra bite, then another. BUT, I DID stop before it got out of hand. It was not a binge. So, minor slip up, minor victory.
Mkendrick - That's exactly what I've been doing since I hit goal, most weekends! I've binged most weekends then been so restrictive during the week I've been thoroughly miserable, and so the pattern goes.
This last 10 days or so I decided to try to eat a little more during the week to see if it would help the hunger and cravings and in turn help me maybe reduce the binges, and so far it's worked. It seems really odd to allow myself that bit more food during the week and at the time it's hard to overcome the feeling that I'm not POP, but the number on the scale is much better than it has been for a couple of weeks and I'm feeling more level headed, so we'll see I guess.
Removing food from the house doesn't change the behavior,
and there are only so many things I can remove from the house.
I've come to realize that there will always be something to binge on,
so I try to focus on dealing with the behavior rather than avoiding specific foods.
I totally agree with the quoted statement above.
I've dealt with binge tendencies all my life,
and 5 years of maintaining my current weight loss
didn't fix that.
Random question for my fellow maintainers with binge tendencies, hehe...
Have you ALWAYS been a binger or has that behavior developed over the weight loss/maintenance process? For me, it's the latter. Which is kind of frustrating, since this whole thing has been a journey to get healthier, but I have actually developed some unhealthy habits in the process.
Before I started losing weight, I simply didn't care what I ate. Sure, I wanted to lose weight, but I didn't make any effort to do so. I obviously over ate, and sometimes I was a little embarrassed about how much food I could pack away compared to others, but it was never the binge behavior. It wasn't the desperate OMG-I-need-to-eat-everything-I-can-get-my-hands-on-right-now feeling. I just ate what I wanted when I wanted (which was junk and way too often). I wasn't even much of an emotional eater.
I feel like my plan, even though it's a healthy, balanced plan based on nourishing and satisfying myself, has led me to binges. I feel like ANY plan would have, it's not a fault with my specific diet regimen. It's the fact that there are certain rules and restrictions that I have to follow. Even moderate rules like staying under 1600cal/day. Physically, I can easily satisfy myself in a very healthy way following this rule. Mentally and emotionally, this rule is easy for me to follow 95% of the time. But the fact that there is a "rule" at all, means that there's a rule to break. So eating over 1600cal/day is breaking a "rule," it's forbidden, it's rebellious. And then I get it in my head that if I'm breaking a rule, I might as well live it up. Teenagers that sneak into their parent's liquor cabinet aren't going to have a modest 4oz glass of red wine, they're going to go all out! So when I break the rule, I'm going over by thousands of calories, hence, a binge.
I have tried allowing treats in moderation...planning a fun-size candy bar in my calories or something. So then those "forbidden foods" are no longer "forbidden." But that just drives me insane. That one measley little taste of a treat doesn't satisfy me, it just makes me want to eat the whole bag of 'em.
So has anybody else developed this binge pattern or have you always had it?
The lower the weight that I tried to maintain, and the more I restricted & devoted my energies to staying there, the worse the bingeing became.
Which is why I say, for every action, there was a comparable reaction. The tighter my grasp, the more out of control the bingeing behavior. It was too symmetrical for me not to get the message my body & psyche was sending.
It's partly why I've settled for a higher maintenance weight this time around. I attribute that helping me end the behavior, although there are a lot of other factors.
At high weights, I didn't binge. Or at least, I didn't go through the sequence of behaviors that I've learned to recognize as a binge. I overate -- and would fixate on a particular food & eat it repeatedly or in large quantities -- but this was desultory, slow, could occur in front of other people. Nothing speeded-up, desperate, hidden. This is still disordered eating. (The fixation on some food for a certain period of time.) But not like what I know is a binge when it happens.
I was the same way. When I was larger, I didn't binge. At least I didn't think I did. I just ate bad stuff and didn't exercise at all. It was nothing for me to skip breakfast, have a cheeseburger, large fries and mozzarella sticks for lunch, chocolate all day at work, then half or more of a pan of something like Hamburger Helper, spaghetti or lasagna for dinner. I wasn't big on desserts, oddly enough. Just FOOD. I ate, got done eating and stopped.
During weight loss, those stopped. I was strict. I didn't go over my calorie allotment to the point where it became so regimented that it was hard to enter maintenance at all. I lost 20 more pounds while trying to find my maintenance calories due to this (and the fact that I'd maintain 3 weeks of the month and lose only after my TOM - made it hard to see if my calorie totals were working!)
Looking back now, there were some little binges. I was an emotional eater. If I was sad, I went to comfort food (mashed potatoes - even instant; mac and cheese; cheese sticks...). If I was happy, I celebrated with the chocolates, cakes and pies at work (so maybe I WAS a sweet eater...). I was also a boredom eater. Nothing to do? I was at the fridge. Piece of cheese here, bread there, handful of chips. Nothing too big.
Now that I'm in maintenance, these behaviors are creeping back in. I'll get home from work at 4 pm everyday and just start snacking on accessible things - like a little handful of oyster crackers from the open package, some parmesan cheese (love the stuff), shredded cheese. I've tried holding off on my afternoon snack, between lunch and dinner, until I get home, but then all the chocolate at work is too tempting.
I also know that this will catch up with me if I don't stop!
Nope, always been a binger. Literally I can remember back to when I was little sneaky and binging. Although I was skinny up until my early 20's when I went to college and met my now husband.
My issue was that my mom restricted me and had her own weight issues that were kind of learned by me. So when I got out of the house and I was on my own I stopped exercising and had a free for all for oh about 10 years.
When I started counting my binging got a lot better and was pretty much under control most of last year. I'm not really sure what's happening now that I'm in maitnenance.
I've got a couple new thoughts though.
I'm going to be less restrictive durning the week, only in the since that I'm going to up my cals so there's "less room" to binge over the weekends. Before my cals were a little low for me during the week, so I almost had to binge to stop losing.
Second and I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but I'm going to let myself binge, but in a way that's "healthy". Like for example, if I want to binge then fine...it has to be on things that benefit my body and weight training/yoga/running in some way. So it's more of a re-feed, if you believe in that concept. I stopped keeping most of my binge foods in the house so the only options are healthy stuff anyways. AND I'm going to start tracking my binges - so that will require me to stop and think about what I'm doing and IF it's really worth it and I'm sure the further guilt of knowing just how much I consumed is going to be just wonderful. Usually when I binge there is no counting and I just keep going back for more. Well if I have to stop and weight and measure and track before putting it in my mouth, maybe I'll think twice.
I'm also thinking about changing the way I count on the weekends. So instead of planning my day out in advance to meet a certain calorie point, I'm going to track as I go, eat what I want and let the cals fall where they may within reason of course...Cleaning out the house has helped a lot. Also cleaning up my diet and getting rid of processed stuff has helped too. As well and really focusing on fitness.
In the end, I think it's just going to be a life long battle for me and one I plan to fight...because being thin is so worth it!
)
