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Old 05-04-2007, 12:01 PM   #1
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Default Jealousy rears its ugly head

I had mentioned that I finally bought me that white pr. of jeans that I've wanted for a long time. Last night DH, DS and I all went to a karaoke club and to the Comedy Show. I wore my white jeans, with a black and white blouse and black shoes with about 2 inch heels. I felt great in my outfit. The jeans are a little big in the waist so I had to wear a black belt to keep them up. We met up with some of DH's co-workers that were also in the Karaoke contest. One of my DH's co-workers, had brought along a buddy of his. This buddy (Robert) kept staring at me and smiling (and I saw him give me a wink and lick his lips). Which of course, I didn't say anything to DH about this.

Unbeknownst to me, while I was making a pool shot, Robert bent down to my DH and said "Man, your wife looks awesome in those white jeans". DH just said "What" and Robert then said "I bet she looks even better in nothing at all". DH then said "listen, I'm sure you didn't mean to offend me, but that's My Wife you're talking about, so let's just drop this".

Later , after the Comedy Show, the music was great and I told DH that I wanted to dance. He then said "I'm not in the mood to dance, but I'm sure that Robert would love to dance with you". I was stunned and said "why would you say that?" Then he told me of the conversation that He'd had with Robert".

I thought about this all evening and we talked more about it when we got home. DH was completely correct in saying that I too would have been jealous if another woman had said this type of thing about him. He trusts me 100%, but having other men flirt with me and make this type of comments is not something that either of us has had to deal with before. My husband has never been the jealous type, but I think that Robert did kinda "cross over the line".

So, my big question is has this happened to any other couples here since losing weight? If so, how did you handle it?

The real kicker is that both DH and Robert made it to the second round in the Karaoke contest so they will both be singing there again tonite.(DH insists on staying in the competition because it has prizes up to $375,000, which I'm sure he won't win all that much). I'm now questioning myself on how to dress to try to look less appealing. Isn't that stupid?

I'll add that since my son was there also, that he too was offended that Robert had said something like this about his mother.
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Old 05-04-2007, 12:44 PM   #2
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I say you should dress however you want to. Robert is a jerk try to ignore him and have a good time. Good luck to your husband in the contest.
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Old 05-04-2007, 01:09 PM   #3
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What a pervert! Nobody should have to listen to words like that about someone they love-- and nobody should have to deal with a creepy guy leering when you're trying to just have a good time with your family. Ick.

I say the best thing you could do is just not let this guy change your plans. I think you should still go out, still look fantastic, and just make it very obvious that you and your husband are in love and very happy together. Your husband may have to get used to other men looking at you, but he should also get used to seeing that you have no interest in anyone else!
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Old 05-04-2007, 05:10 PM   #4
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Robert was WAY out of line to say those things to your husband or anyone else. He needs to look elsewhere.

Dress for yourself and your husband. If others compliment you in an appropriate manner, wonderful. If not, don't listen to them.
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Old 05-04-2007, 05:40 PM   #5
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I would still dress the way I was going to. That man is a total pig and I would ignore him.

As far as the jealousy I have never had to deal with that kind of situation before. Dh is "normal- jealous" in that he trusts me and lets me have lots of freedom, but on the other hand doesn't appreciate when guys are obviously interested in me (can't blame him) so I have no advice on that front.
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Old 05-04-2007, 06:21 PM   #6
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Both the comments and the licking the lips are totally out of line on Robert's part. It's disrespecting you and your husband, and that has nothing to do with weight.

He's a pig and he's still a pig if you wear a burka. Don't change how you dress to try to mollify him. It's not your problem.

(This is one of those things that women who were thin as teenagers or early 20s learn by experience. It's not nice, it's not respectful, and it's not a reflection of anything you've done.)
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Old 05-04-2007, 06:40 PM   #7
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Thanks everyone for the responses. DH just now said that he doesn't want to go ahead and sing tonite. Says he is "too tired" but I know that isn't the only reason he changed his mind about staying in the competition. I wish he could have kept with his plan and just ignored the guy or put him in his place. I know my DH is very experienced with putting up with rude and vulgar people after being in law enforcement for over 20 yrs. and I think he handled the situation just fine last night.

It's probably a good thing that my son didn't hear Robert make that comment at the time. My son would not have handled it near as well. He was really angry that this guy had disrespected his mother. (My son learned of what had transpired on our drive home).

I just hate that this had to spoil a fun night out with our son.

You ladies are totally right. I'll wear whatever I want as long as I feel comfortable in it. I never dress trashy, I don't show half my cleavage or anything like that. I make sure that my clothes fit. Yes they are taylored, form fitting, but not strapless or skin tight or see-through. Even if they were, I don't think it would give any man the right to think they can make lewd comments to me or my DH. That guy is a true PIG.

I was slender when I was a teen but wasn't old enough really to go to bars. It's been so long that I don't remember ever feeling like such a piece of Meat on Display.

I'm sure that part of it too, was the alcohol that the men were consuming. I don't drink at all and I think sometimes it makes people braver and stupider and they say things they wouldn't normally dare say. Just thinking it's being good-natured.
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Old 05-04-2007, 07:02 PM   #8
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Hey Lily,

This, unfortunately, is one of the side-effects of becoming a hottie It comes with the territory--there are a$$holes all over and they usually find a way of behaving like a$$holes. As Maria pointed out, women who were slim in their teens and twenties have to learn to deal with this kind of behavior early on--you learn to distance yourself from it, ignore it and not internalize it as any kind of important reflection of who YOU are. You're going to have to learn this now too! Weight loss isn't just about smaller clothes and more energy--it necessitates all kinds of adaptive behavior.

The important thing, I think, is that both you and your husband recognize and remember that this has nothing to do with YOU or YOUR behavior (or clothing). You are entitled to look good, to dress nicely and to have a good time. It would be nice if the world wasn't populated by jerks, but since it is, it's important to learn how to ignore them.

I guess what I really want to say is that anger or outrage is a more appropriate response than jealousy in this sort of situation. Feeling jealous tacitly implies that your hubby thinks you might be inclined to run off and have an affair with this loser, or at least, to encourage his attentions. I don't think that is what you mean to suggest, so maybe it would be better to frame his reaction--and yours--in terms of his desire to protect and defend your honor. Helping him to understand his reaction in this way will probably minimise any friction between the two of you next time (and no doubt there will be a next time) some jerk decides to make an a$$ of himself at your expense. Perhaps that sounds a little bit preachy--and I'm sorry if it does--but I think it's important to be able to make a distinction between OUR behavior and the ways that we are treated by others in these sorts of situations.

And also, you've been so excited about these white jeans, and so looking forward to wearing them. Don't let this Robert guy rob you of the pleasure of wearing them and looking and feeling great!
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Old 05-04-2007, 07:43 PM   #9
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EEEWWW!!! He's nasty. Don't let one loser make you question your outfit selection. He probably would have said that if you were wearing a tater sack. He's just a loser and you should wear what makes you happy.
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Old 05-04-2007, 11:44 PM   #10
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baffled, I really didn't know how to start this post. It probably didn't come across as my DH was very angry. But, he is very good at controlling his emotions and temper. (Far better than me,LOL). In the recent past, when he's seen other men looking at me and flirting a little, he handled it great. He said "I see that as a compliment to me" and never was jealous. This jerk just "crossed that line". DH knows absolutey that I'm not interested in anyone else. I know that he isn't interested in anyone else. Myself, I have gotten very mad and jealous when another woman grabbed his butt on the dance floor. Also, the same reaction when a woman ran onstage and stuck a dollar in the top of his jeans when he was singing karoke. I didn't start a fight because I'd have gotten my butt kicked. But, I wanted to. LOL. We always know that no matter what "we came together, we're leaving together". I could really live without ever going to clubs, but since my DH loves to sing karaoke, we do go sometimes.
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Old 05-05-2007, 07:55 AM   #11
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Robert was TOTALLY out of line. You don't say those things about a woman to HER HUSBAND!!

I'm sorry it turns out you guys are not going... I wish you could change your minds... because now Robert the A-Hole "wins" by his behaviour

You should never dress to be less appealing UNLESS YOU WANT TO. It's a new situation to deal with and you can't avoid that for the rest of your life just because of a few jerks in the world.

FWIW - I dress for myself AND according to the situation. So I can still find something that makes me feel sexy/hot but isn't too out there for others (my DF is not the jealous type, but, he CAN get protective of me and has issues with anger sometimes because his ex wife cheated on him...).

Not that I have those problems right now, mind you but when I was at my goal weight this was the case!!
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Old 05-05-2007, 10:46 AM   #12
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Renee, I wish we had went too, but we stayed home. This to me felt like he let that creep win. I know that with DH's line of work, he always tries to "keep his nose clean" so maybe he was afraid that if it happened again, that he wouldn't be able to show his normal level of contstraint.

Now on to next Thurs. night when I'm sure we'll go do the same thing again. Just hoping his co-worker won't bring that same buddy again. I'm gonna dress just like I normally do. I don't have any baggy, frumpy clothes anymore. I got rid of all those. FWIW, I asked DH last night if he mentioned any of this to his co-worker. He said "No, I didn't want to seem like a jealous husband".

I wish we had more married friends to hang out with , but all our married friends have very young kids.
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Old 05-05-2007, 10:51 AM   #13
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Lily, I'm so glad you've cleaned out your wardrobe because if you dress in baggy, frumpy clothes, then you really let that creep win. You work hard every day at weight loss/maintenance and you have the right to feel pretty when you go out. Baggy, frumpy clothes are absolutely not an option!!
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Old 05-05-2007, 11:00 AM   #14
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Thanks Meg, I just didn't think that at 47 yrs. old that I'd have to deal with crap like that. I guess some guys think that older/married women are a real conquest. This Robert is probably about 20 yrs. younger than me.

I do like looking and feeling nice when we go out. My DH and DS both told me how nice I looked before we left the house. (DH says it all the time, but for some reason when my son mentions it, Well it's so special).
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Old 05-05-2007, 11:05 AM   #15
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I think that feeling good about how you look is a big incentive for keeping the weight off. When I take the time to do my hair and makeup and dress nicely, then I feel good about myself and want to take care of myself, which includes exercise and eating healthy.

I guess I spent too many years in sweatpants, Tshirts and no makeup, shoveling in food for fun. I *thought* that food made me feel good, but it really made me feel bad.
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