I am a Domestic Violence Survivor! It has been 2 yrs since I left that situation. I t has been a long road of recovery for me and my children, fortunately they are quite young, and hopefully my past situation will not leave them any emotional scars.
In the last 6 months I decided it is time for me to get on with my life, and make changes that are positive and benefit me in the future. The first one being my wieght issues, remembering that I am doing this for me, not my former spouse.
I have spent the last 2 yrs comforting myself with food. Food has become my best friend, and now it is time to change that. I am truly ready to put the past behind me and live life for me and my children.
If any of you have been where I am, or if you are there now, feel free to respond, and maybe we can help each other become confident, productive members of society again. And remember, when it comes to being a DV survivor, you are not alone.
I take it either no one has been there, or no one who has been there is ready to talk about it, or maybe if your there now you just don't know what to do to make your life better.
All I can say is you are not alone, and I would love to a friend who can relate, if you would rather send me personal email feel free at [email protected]. I will never claim to know everything, but I am willing to help anyone find the help and support they need if they want or just be someone yu can talk too.
I hope that this subject does not intimidate anyone. I guess I was hoping to meet someone who has been through this, and dealing with some of the same emotions I am going through and trying to make a better life.
Mom: I could not let you continue to post and feel no one would respond to you. I am incredibly lucky, as I have a wonderful dh and we have been married 30 years, BUT I grew up in a dysfunctional family situation including violence, I was "given away" as a teen, my older sister married a violent man when I was just 11 and I was around that a lot. On top of that, to better understand how to "fix" what had been done to me as a child, I was a psychology and social work major in college. I do understand despair of the greatest level. Not knowing, what to do, where to go if you left, how to protect your innocent children, etc.
Well, I would be glad to correspond with you on any level. I want to take that ugliness and get rid of it and help you start in this bright new life you have made for yourself and your kids.
Don't discount yourself for being overweight! Your trauma would drive you into the ground. You now have the opportunity to get a whole new life started for yourself and getting your weight off is a great esteem builder. Any woman who can go through what you did and come out ok has incredible strength and courage. You must now use that same hutzba to get on a weight loss, exercise, and wellness program. Have you considered what kind of program you would like to use?
I am morbidly obese, have to lose 220 lbs, and have lost 63 since Jan 6 of this year. When I found that I was to the point where a cane or scooter could be a possibility for my life, I said enough is enough and got serious about getting healthy. Please feel free to contact me at anytime through the thread, personal message or e-mail ([email protected]) I know you can do this! You have what it takes to come through on the other side!
Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry that you had a rough childhood, on the same note you seem to have a good marriage yourself and that is wonderful.
I worry a lot about kids, partucularly my daughter, as she was older and did see things I wish she hadn't. She is an angry child, and often asks why "daddy" is not with us, I try to be honest with her without telling her to much (she is now 4). I have been considering putting her in play therapy counseling so she work through some of her issues. My son, fortunately was to little when I left, and knows nothing different than to be with mom and grandma and grandpa. For him I worry about the genetics of drug and alcohol abuse which would come from his father.
As for the wieght issue, I still battle with serious bouts of depression and that is when I tend to binge, but I am trying really hard to break that cycle by spending more time journaling when I feel myself going there, or meeting with my counselor twice a week instead of once. I am also involved with the local DV center, and they have a 24 hr hotline, which is nice when I am really down and sometimes just need someone to talk too. This last Monday I had decided was the beginning of my diet, as I have been stuck for a couple of months, not gaining thank god, but just stuck. So I have been keeping track of all my food intake dilligently....Monday will tell me if it has helped. As of last Monday I have 53 lbs to reach my goal.
I wish you great success in your wieght loss, it sounds like you are off to an awesome start, and I bet you are already feeling better, and getting around is easier. As for program, I am just counting calorie and fat intake, and I workout twice a day. I try keep my intake around 1500 calories and 50 grams of fat.
Again, thank you for responding. I know this is a difficult subject, but I also think it is a fact in our society today, and those of us who have been hurt by DV need to help each other and the world break the cycle, so we can all live in harmony and peace.
I hope that you stay in touch, and let me know how you are doing with your wieght loss.
Also, having grown up with DV, if you have any suggestions for me and my daughter, feel free to let me know.
Hi mom, didn't forget about you, just was really busy all weekend and didn't get to post at all.
I think that the best thing to do is to be frank with your daughter and answer only what she asks about regarding your living situation for her age appropriateness. Even with your ex being a no goodnik, don't vilify him to your daughter as it will come back to bite you I guarantee. I am sure you are telling her that her dad loves her but that sometimes big people get mad a lot and not knowing what to do about it and daddy didn't know what to do about it so sometimes he was not very nice. That being a good mommy means keeping her from getting hurt and since daddy needs to find someone who can help him not be mad all the time you thought it was a good idea to live with grandma and grandpa. As she gets older you can become clearer on the issue. Don't try to undo any scars she has, they are not undoable believe me. Just live in the moment making her feel as safe secure and happy as possible. She may go through a phase of bad dreams so be prepared for that. I am 50 and still have flashbacks of unpleasant stuff that will wake me up crying. Let me tell you a small story here that may make you understand what I mean.
I was 17 when I was abandoned by my mother in favor of a man. At the time, we were living in a garage with a toilet and sink no bathing, we slept on the concrete floor in blankets and bathed with the hose outdoors even in winter and we lived in Northern Indiana. The man my mother was seeing got angry at me one night and threw hot coffee at me and punched me in the face knocking my glasses off. I left with my 2 younger siblings and walked in the pitch black dark not being able to see to a neighbor's house who was a stranger to us and called my grandparents who took us in. She never even fought for us. She died by his hand in my opinion, when she needed an amputation due to diabetes and he forbid her doctor to tell her because he needed a workhorse for his dairy farm. She died 2 weeks later. I guess I have a forgiving spirit because I hold no grudge against my mother or him. In fact, I had a very good adult relationship with my mother and he knew it so controlled how I could see her etc. I HAD to forgive him as I hope someday you can your spouse. It is a truly cleansing experience and a wellness one too which will help with your weight issues and to provide a happy environment for your little family.
My point to all the above is that I sucked my thumb because of feeling so insecure and scared all the time until months after I was married. One day I noticed I hadn't put it in my mouth for a long time. Why? Because I had a man that made me feel secure, showed me he loved me and took care that I felt safe all the time. Do this for your children and you will find that though their scars do not disappear, they do fade!
I know that you can accomplish getting your weight off and finding happiness in your life. Please allow me to be your friend and again feel free to contact me anytime about anything!
I would like to end on a happy note so here is a story my dd told me that the ole grandson (2 1/2) said to her recently:
Yesterday, he reached into his pants and told his mom he kept his penis in there to keep it out of trouble. She said, "You do? What kind of trouble does it get into?" (dreading the answer) He said, "Well, it thinks it can poop sometimes." I guess then all day whenever he would go to the bathroom he would say, "Ok, back you go. Don't want you to get into trouble." I am sending a pic of him. He even looks like a little devil doesn't he!
Thank you for all your kind words. I will tell you that I never tell my kids bad things about there dad and I go out of my way to send him pictures of the kids, their artwork, and usually a birthday, christmas and father's day card from the kids ( I do send this stuff through another person, who lives in another State, so he still has no idea where we are), I have been and still am close with his family, who all happen to support me and my decision, which makes me happy, mostly for the kids' sake. And although I still have a lot of mixed emotions about him, I am not quite sure about forgivness...yet. I have spent 2 yrs in hiding and in counseling, I still look over my shoulder everyday because he swore he would kill us if I left, every strange car that drives through our tiny town concerns me, I have gotten to know the sheriff officers quite well since living here, since I freak out when I hear things at night, fortunately they are very understanding and very caring, they know about my situation and now make it a point to drive by on a farely regular basis, which helps give me a little peace, if anything is out of the ordinary looking around my house they stop in and make sure everything is ok. After 2 yrs I am still in weekly counseling sessions ( private) and spend 1-2 hours at a local dv center every other week. I know someday, I will let go, but I sometimes wonder if that fear will ever go away, and I feel like I need to feel totally secure before I can feel true forgiveness. Fortunately I have made a lot of friends here, it is a very very small town, and most of the people know about my past, so they all look out for me too, in fact if my girlfriend calls me the second she sees a strange car at my house, we have a "code" should I need her to call someone. All of these things help. I hope that time will allow all of these things.
My daughter, whom is my biggest concern is a very "angry" child, I try really hard to get her to talk to me about what is making her so angry, that is why I have been considering some play therapy for her, sometimes I think she doesn't have the words to express her anger. Hopefully being smothered with love will help her outgrow all of this too.
I cannot imagine going through what you have described, I think the worst it got for us, was with my ex and we lived in a tent for 7 days when I was 5 months pregnant with my son, and then went to stay with his brother and sister in law for 2 months, which was when his family found out what was going on, as he never tried to hide anything he did to me. I thought his brother was going to kill him during that time as he did not approve of he acted towards me. Living in a DV shelter was not exactly pleasant either, but I dealt with it. I was so happy when my mom finally came and picked me up, telling my family all that had happened was a very difficult thing for me, I felt like such a failure.
But now I know I am one of many who have been through this.
Anyways, now that I have rambled in all different directions, I will also end on a good note, as far as my diet I lost 2 lbs this last week and 1 3/4 inches in the last month, both of which make me very happy, and as I have said before the best thing is I am losing weight for me and no one else.
Donna, may god bless you for your kind heart and sharing with me, it is always nice to know someone that understands what I lived for years, it so appreciated. I look forward to sharing with you. thanks
Forgive me, but sounds like the guy is stupid as well as violent! Most abusers try and hide the evidence so to speak!
Well, I just want you to know the tremendous pride I have for you and your exemplary courage. As for forgiveness, it will come in time WHEN YOU ARE READY! As you said, you still have a lot of fear and protection issues to get past.
It is great of you to still care about this man enough to let him peek into his chilcrens' lives. It is too bad he doesn't see the huge price he paid for not getting help with his problem.
I would definitely check into a group as you described. She needs to expend that anger so her little heart can become lighter!
I do so apologize that no one but I has made an attempt to contact you here. There is great fear with abuse and keeps people in hiding as you know. Along with great embarrassment. Women like you are so beaten down that the huge number of them have allowed themselves to be convinced of their own guilt!
I just want to have lovely conversations with you.
By the way, how old is your littlest one?
Well, I need to go. I have been on the phone for 1/2 hour with a lady from the church we have been attending so I have nothing done downstairs and that includes breakfast!
I just read your post and I must commend you on leaving the violent situation you were in. I work as a receptionist in a counseling agency and we see so many cases of domestic violence and the women just keep going back and I understand that its hard to leave esp. with threats and all but I'm so glad you got out for the sake of yourself and your children. I will pray that you all continue to be safe and he doesn't find out where you are living. I agree that your daughter probably would benefit from some play therapy. We have several young children from violent homes who come to our office and get to act out their anger in playful ways and its very beneficial to them as well as the mother.
I just wanted to write and tell you that if you are still looking for some more buddies then feel free to email me, I have not been in a violent relationship but I do deal with those types of situations with my job and so I feel that I know a little bit about those types of situations. I'm here if you need someone else to talk to.
I am wanting to lose about 75 lbs. currently weigh 242 lbs. I've been slacking so much as of late, but need to get back on the losing track cause I want to be thinner by summer! So if you are interested in writing please feel free to email me at [email protected]
Take care of yourself and those precious children!
Thank you for your advice. I myself have a wonderful counselor, who has witnessed one of my daughter's angry spells, and my interaction with it, she is the one who recommended the play therapy, I am currently on a waiting list, but have had a little bit of an internal debate going on with myself as to whether it is the right thing to do, I think I will go when I get in, hopefully this coming month, and take it one appointment at a time and see how it goes.
As for the weight issue, I started at 240 last June, I lost 38 by Thanksgiving, kept it off, bobbed around a couple of lbs, and now am serious about working towards my goal, which is 150. I started getting serious as of Feb 10th at 203 lbs, and lost 2 by the 17th. My short term goals are to be at 192 by 4/20 and 182 by 6/2. I am 41 yrs old, and have discovered that I need to work out everyday, I do 2 or 3 miles of in home walking everyday, and pilates at least 3 times a week, and I have lost 151/2 total inches since I started. I also count calories and fat intake and write it all down everyday. The best part is I am doing this for "me", and no one else.
I hope you take all of the above as inspiration and ideas that may help you get going, to be healthier and happier for yourself. I think weight is one of the hardest things to deal with, but with a little help and motivation....we can do it.
Donna,
Thanks for letting me vent...sometimes I just need to get some of those feelings out. I have tons of e mail waiting tonite so I am going to run...I will write more later.
Mom: How are you doing today? Are you as cold as the rest of us in this country? It is icy here so I can't even go outside which stinks. I guess it is off to the mall to walk again today.
I talked to my son last night. He is 29, single and my oldest. He is in the processing of buying himself a little house and I am so excited to see it. I know he has wanted his own home for a long time. He is such a doll baby. You can't find fault with a man who hugs and kisses his dad in public and tells him he loves him. He is not without his faults, but he loves his mama and to me that says I must have done something right! He is such a dish too! I can't believe I produced goodlooking kids! Jay is 6'6". blond and green-eyed. He lives in Indiana and manages a spa store and sells hottubs for a living. He was so funny when we were there at Thanksgiving, he acted like a 5 year old. He was all excited for us to see the commercial he made for television.
My daughter is my little spitfire! She and her husband have been married almost 6 years, own a large internet business and is the mother of my grandson.
They just called to say they are on their way to deliver my dishwasher so I have to go.
Sounds like you did right by your kids, and that is great! You should be proud of them, and the love and caring in your family.
It is cold here, 11 this morning, but no snow and ice, in fact we have had a very mild winter as far as snow goes this year.
A new dishwasher huh? I wish, I hate doing dishes by hand..I am jealous!!
Lucky you have a mall to go walk in, I do an in home walking video myself, which is great, cause I can plug it in when I have the time, or am feeling stressed out, and even my kids join in sometimes.
I have lots to do today, like baking, since I am treat mom at pre school tomorrow, so I am going to get moving and I will check in this evening. Have a wonderful day...and stay warm.
Haven't checked in here in about a week, so I thought I would and see how you are doing.
Things here have been fairly peaceful, just the same old stuff on a different day.
I did take my daughter into an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist for a hearing test, because she always complains that she can't hear, the results were ok, but they want to retest her in 6 mths. I myself will be seeing the same Dr next month for sinus polyps, something I am really excited about...haha!
I stayed the same this last week at weigh in, still having a little bit of a hard time getting going again, I just keep trying to tell myself that I am doing this for me and no one else, and to me that is so important.
I hope all is well in your world. How's the new dishwasher???
Good morning to you! I have kept a vigilant eye out for you!
The dishwasher is wonderful! It is so big compared to the other one that I usually end up doing dishes only every other day!
I had a little one with ENT issues and what a mess that was. Poor little guy lost 20 percent of his hearing before they finally would do anything for him. They removed his tonsils, adenoids and put tubes in and the tubes had fallen out by his 6 week visit. As we were moving out of state the next week, (another Navy transfer) he never got them put back in, but never needed them again! His little throat was so swollen all the time that you could not have put a pencil down it.
Sinus problems are no fun. I have allergies, but do not take prescription meds so my nose runs all the time living here. I just can't see paying the money for a runny nose and occasional sneezing!
I actually got to have honest to goodness PIZZA last night. I had been staving off a craving for three days and said to Jack that I thought we should just go and get one, but we decided to go to Pizza Hut instead and get personal pan ones. He always gets meatlovers and I don't like it (gives me serious heartburn) so I just got mushroom. I was scared how much damage I did, but I got home and checked dotties sight and wow I stayed within my leftover cal and fat cal! I was jazzed. It will tough trying to stay on program while we are gone.
Oh, by the way, I am leaving Wed for Indiana and won't be back until Sunday night so I may not get to post until I get back. DD is taking her computer because she runs an internet company and has to work everyday, but I don't know that I will have time to look in. I have never traveled with the dgs so don't know how he will do, but he sure loves our portable dvd player so I am hoping he will watch movies all the way up there!
Well, I need to go. I hope you have a better week this next week and I will talk to you again soon.
Domestic Violence Survivor
He is such a dish too! I can't believe I produced goodlooking kids! Jay is 6'6". blond and green-eyed. He lives in Indiana and manages a spa store and sells hottubs for a living. He was so funny when we were there at Thanksgiving, he acted like a 5 year old. He was all excited for us to see the commercial he made for television.
