[Firesoulx]

Hi I'm new to the forums. 23/female/NC
I've seen this site a couple before but never joined until now.
I love looking at the success stories, except sometimes it feels so far away from what I'm able to do.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome which is said to have a strong link to insulin resistance. I'm finally going to an endocrinologist on friday to see about getting on metformin or another similar medication to control my PCOS.

Before puberty I was 5'6" and around 115 lbs. I was really active in gymnastics and dancing. Then I quit gymnastics in 6th grade and in the same year got my first period and put on about 60 lbs.

I eventually ballooned up to about 215lbs in high school and stayed there until senior year where I decided I would really push myself.

I went from 215 lbs to 170 lbs in about a month in a half. I ate nothing but salads..and by salads I mean lettuce mostly and exercising an hour a day(walking/jogging). I also took some green tea pill, and I was becoming influenced by bulimia nervosa behaviors at the time. Anytime I would screw up I would vomit it up. I lost fast and quick, it was great to see the results but I put a mental scar on myself messing around with eating disorder behaviors. Now I have a hiatal hernia, gastritis, and numerous other GI disturbances.

First year in college I started binging non stop with my roommate. We at a lot, and all the time. I got back up to about 220 lbs. Then by the last year in college I hit 240 lbs after finally dealing with multiple issues with sexual abuse in childhood, PTSD and rape through therapy. I graduated college and had trouble finding a decent job. Now 2 years later my high weight has hit 265 lbs. I'm not sure where I'm at right now, but my guess is around 250.

I'm ashamed of my weight, I'm ashamed I didn't push myself into more college, and I'm just plain-old ashamed of everything. I finally started to push myself the right way a couple months ago, working on the PTSD on my own, studying for the LSAT for possible law school which has always been a dream of mine.

I still deal with intense anxiety all the time.

I have a great boyfriend, but it seems all we do is binge together. It's great we can enjoy it together, but I would rather us enjoy going to the gym together or helping each other positively but when I bring it up to him he's stand-offish like he's not sure he wants to bother with it...I don't blame him, sometimes it feels so hopeless.

I'm so ashamed and embarrassed that I put on all the weight plus a lot more.

My goal has become to become healthy in mind and body.
I don't want to live this half life anymore. I'm seeing a psychiatrist near the end of September and I'm seeking out a proper therapist for more psychological guidance. I know if I focus on treating my body healthy the mind might start to behave a little too.

I want there to be something wonderful about me again, something that I can look at about myself and love. I want to be proud of myself. I have too much pride. I think I get that from my father, he seems to expect all his kids to become professionals(drs, lawyers, etc) and it's put a great strain on me. I could never picture myself just being an average person working an average job doing average things. I wanted to be meant for more. I wanted the greatness of success and being able to fill fulfilled.

I am GOING to find this inner balance about myself. I am GOING to get away from negative influences in my life. I am GOING to treat my body right, eat properly, exercise properly, and I'm GOING to give myself the break I desperately need. It's okay that I might have let myself down before, it's time for me to move past it, and think of the future.

It's time to correct my behaviors and in a couple months there will not only be numerical results at my feet, but internally in my mind I will find more peace.

I would love to chat with anyone willing to offer a word of advice, or even just someone to buddy up with and share day to day events.
I have few friends left, most of them moved away, are very bad influences, or something to that nature.

I hope I am welcome here and am not too internally psycho to make some good connections!

[SC Vitamin C]

Thank you for sharing your story. You can definitely do it and you will. Patience and commitment are the keys to success. Never give up like your title states.

I would suggest also talking to your boyfriend for real if you haven't yet about how you feel and how the bingeing together really hinders your success at losing the weight. And I hope that he encourages and supports your decision to make a change and get healthy and maybe does it with you if he also has weight to lose.

[Lovely]

Welcome to 3FC =)

This is a lifelong journey. And for many of us it is not just physical. There are a lot of members who've used food and weight as a crutch for dealing with many situations.

You aren't alone in that.

There's also a Dieting with Obstacles section where there's a PCOS sub-section for those dealing with PCOS and its symptoms.

We can't live in the past when it comes to weight loss. Could've, should've, would've... we all have those feelings. We don't have control over what we did 5 years ago. We DO have control over what we do right this very moment. We have the power to make healthy changes

It's a slow process, but well worth it.

You can do this! Best of wishes~

[Firesoulx]

Thanks for the messages guys I really appreciate it!

I have talked to my boyfriend about it. I think he's going to do his best to be supportive.