I am doing this for the last time! Really, I am. This has got to be it.
My weight loss journey has been very frustrating, like everyone's I'm sure.
I had a poor body image growing up, fluctuating between 113 lbs and a size 3 to 145 lbs and a size 12. I felt no different between being a 12 and a 3. I remember standing in the dressing room having just slipped into a size 3 (yes, slipped) and I thought to myself, "Huh, these are marked wrong". How sad. I never knew I was thin.
On my wedding day I thought I was fat at 135 lbs and struggled to lose any weight before the wedding. Then, I had my first baby and was a size 16 after he was born. I never lost that weight and had another baby 16 months later. From there, I have not been able to lose. I went to my doctor and asked about my thyroid. He told me some women just have a hard time losing weight after a pregnancy. Then I stopped having a period at age 30. He told me I was in early menopause. Fortunately I sought a different opinion and found I have PCOS. I did a lot of research and thought that finally I had a reason for not losing weight. I had an excuse, and I latched onto it with all my might.
I did try, and I tried very, very hard. I tried too hard. I tried South Beach and I tried working out like a maniac. I lost some weight and got down to 185. I felt good about myself, so I'm really not sure why I quit, except that I hit a dreaded plateau and didn't give it enough time. I surrendered to the plateau and ended up back where I started plus about 15 lbs.
I gave up. Pure and simple, I gave up. That was it. I was gong to be fat forever. I tried to make my peace with it, but my personality was at war with myself. It still is. I have social phobias and do not like crowds. When I'm in a crowd, I want desperately to shrink into the shadows. I want to be invisible. I think it's very ironic because who is more visible than me? People have to walk around me, and I just can't stand it. I feel like a piece of furniture someone stock inconveniently in everyone's way. Will these fears subside if I lose weight? I don't know. But I have to try.
Then my cousin came to visit on November 9th and she has lost 100 lbs just by counting calories. I was skeptical. I told her I don't lose weight, whine, whine, whine. But I decided I was going to give it the old college try. So I started out with 1200 calories spread across 6 meals in a day. Boy was I surprised at how little food that is! I honestly always thought I didn't eat that much, until I saw how difficult it is to make a full meal out of 200 calories!
I didn't weigh myself that first day, and now I wish I had. But I estimate I was around 235 lbs because that's what I weighed at another time when my clothes fit the same way. If that's true, I have lost 14 lbs since November 9th. My pants, which were tight enough that the flap at the button was digging into my belly button such that I had to unbutton them to watch TV. Now, they are very loose and I can pull them off without undoing them. Not easily, mind you, but I can wiggle out of them.
It's a good feeling.
Right now, I am struggling with my emotions. In the morning I always feel great about myself, beginning the day with an I-can attitude, and marveling at how great my clothes fit and how far I've come in such a short time. Then within a few hours, the self-hate starts as I tell myself how ridiculous I am to be so proud of just 14 lbs, and that I'm still fat, who am I trying to kid? I will never get where I want to be. I'm going to give up before I do. All it takes is a plateau and I'm gone.
It's that kind of talk that made me sign up. I am in need of encouragement and like minds.
Though honestly for all of your sakes, I hope you are not like minded!! LOL! It's a terrible place to be!
Now, for the last time!
