Tiger:
You are an inspiration because even though you are needlessly beating yourself up
, you are still showing up for this thread and for life in general.
For that you should pat yourself on the back and be proud. One of the things my mother used to say when she got sick and went on dialysis is what I have under my name below. She did that for 30 months before she passed away. The doctor said she would only last 6 months on the dialysis.
She also used to say "Where there's life, there's hope". So you my dear have plenty of life left in your pursuit to be healthy and happy and for that you should be commended, especially since you are being so honest about your day to day efforts.
Integrity is everything in this life.