He may not be "dating" his ex...but it seems he sure doesn't seem to want to let go of her either. When it's over it's over...so what if he was close to her family...if he is not "with" her then he needs to let go and be done with her and her family. But it sounds like he's not so if I were you...I would be careful. I would take all the advice here from these ladies...sounds right on to me. I know it sounds so cliche but they do say "Love is blind" and I think with you being in love with him you are overlooking everything he does because you don't want to lose him. It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me and that is JMHO. Good luck
Thanks for the advice girls. I never really thought of him as a bad father. I have heard his son repeatedly ask if he can see the ex, because I realize they created a great bond during the 5 years she helped take care of him. So I guess I understand why he's letting him keep seeing her. He did tell me he's trying to keep her away from him more and more...he didn't want to just take away the relationship out of no where. His son enjoys being with her, and while I may not like it, I think I'll have to deal with it for a while until eventually he just stops seeing her. As far as the trust issue goes, I realize a relationship can't work if it isn't there, and it's something we're currently working on. It hasn't been perfect, but we're getting there.
Labonita, I understand that you want things to work for the two of you. If he makes you happy, then that is what counts. Maybe the two of you could lessen the visits with the Ex slowly, maybe her just see him for an hr. or two at a time for a while, instead of overnight. Kind of gradually having you build up more time with the son, so that he gets a lot more used to being around you , instead of her. The more he is around you and his dad together, the more he will begin to think that this is the new "normal". Good luck anyway. Plus, the less time she spends with him, the better it will be for you and dad. And, the more trust you will be able to build with him. Hope that makes sense.
I have been through a similar situation. When me and my (first)Ex divorced, my son was 6 yrs. old. I allowed him to continue to see my son for overnight visits with him and his parents for a while. (He was not the father of my son, but they did have a close relationship). Eventually, I remarried and so did he and over time the visits stopped.
I have been through a similar situation. When me and my Ex divorced, my son was 6 yrs. old. I allowed him to continue to see my son for overnight visits with him and his parents for a while. (He was not the father of my son, but they did have a close relationship). Eventually, I remarried and so did he and over time the visits stopped.
See, to me, this sounds normal, but when the ex has suicidal tendancies and obvious anger outburst issues, I just don't think it's safe to leave your child with them. Who's to say she won't snap on the kid if he happens to say something nice about his father's new girlfriend? Or that she won't throw a tantrum or attempt suicide while the child is around? I don't know--to me, it just sounds like she's quite unstable, and I know I wouldn't trust the life of my own child in the hands of someone in such a state. And who knows what kinds of bad things she may be saying about you (the new girlfriend) to the kid when they're together.
I understand that the kid may be asking to see her as well, but as a parent, you have to know when to draw the line. Some kids would ask to eat nothing but candy 24-7, but we, as adults, know it's not good for them, so we don't allow it. A parent should always act in the best interest of the child, even if the child doesn't understand why it has to be that way at the time.
But, to each his/her own, I suppose. Maybe I'm just thinking in an overprotective manner.
Jillybean, I hear what you are saying. I didn't mention that with my second Ex he also gave me the old song and dance that he couldn't completely sever ties with his Ex GF because she threatened to commit suicide. Found out later that this was a big fat lie. Truth was, that although she married someone else and he married me, they carried on a mutual affair for over 10 yrs. Turns out that 2 of her 6 children, were biologically his. So, as far as the Ex wanting to commit suicide over the man, very possibly this is just his excuse to keep seeing the Ex and him not have to have the Cojones to break it off and make a choice. Also, like in the posters story, he was great friends with her family is the reason he told me that he couldn't stop seeing her or her family. So, all sounds too familiar to me. Wasn't trying to minimalize the situation, just trying to give the poster a little hope that maybe things can work. Who knows. It didn't work for me, but that isn't saying that it can't for someone else. We all have different levels of what we're willing to accept and put up with. I had my fill and got out and it was the best thing I ever did.
I think the situation I'm in is a little more complicated than I'm telling all of you on here. He is not a bad father by any means at all, and the fact that someone would say he is with very little information is really stretching it. I was offended by that comment, even though it wasn't directed at me. However, it isn't fair to assume that he's a bad father because he lets his son see her once in a while.
lilybelle - the son has seen her probably 2 times in the last 2 months. it's not like he sees her all the time, but when he does I just make a huge deal out of it. and the son has been seeing me with my boyfriend pretty much every day the past month or so. it's not that she sees him more than me - i never said that - i just don't like that he sees her at all. but like i said, slowly her time with him is starting to wind down so until then I'm willing to be patient.
now that i said that, jill, lilybelle's and my situations are really quite similar...and "normal". yes she did say she would kill herself, but i highly doubt she meant it. i think she was very upset about the breakup, and I have been in a similar situation myself with a past bf. i threatened, but i wasn't serious. i certainly would NOT call myself a threat to anyone, and saying that just because it was threatened doesn't mean i'm "dangerous". i think she said a lot of things to me and him in the heat of the moment without thinking. i think we can all say we're guilty of that.
Labonita, thanks for clarifying. I thought you meant she was with him "very often". That this is one of things that was angering and causing you grief.
Like I said, my 2nd Ex said his Ex GF threatened suicide when he'd try to stop seeing her. She is still alive and well, never attempted suicide . It was just an empty threat.
Also, Labonita, if I asked for relationship advice for me and my DH and described all the financial crap that I have put up with over the past 9 yrs., the Ex wife and her crap, the 4 step-daughters and their crap, Any sane person on this board would tell me to leave him. LOL, but I've had 2 divorces and don't intend to add to the ever-increasing Divorce rate again. We all have to pick our battles. No marriage is PERFECT. Because, we as humans are not perfect. We all have different things that we're willing to seek compromise on. My DH is good to my kids, works hard and is faithful. But, he sucks with money. After 9 yrs. I have given up on changing him and try to cross each hurdle as it happens. My motto now is just to just try to be prepared. (I'll mention that he's not out wasting money, he gives it to his kids whenever they ask and is enabling them to continue to be irresponsible.) Our most recent fight was where he paid $700.00 to pick up hot checks for his 24 yr. old DD because she had hot checks all over the county and warrants out for her. He is a state trooper and it was an embarassment for him, for the local sheriff's department to be trying to pick up his DD. Also she has a 2 yr. old and a 6 month old baby. I am not excusing his behavior or hers. Just stating the facts and letting you know that I put up with crap that others say they wouldn't. However, they haven't lived my life. Haven't changed their names multiple times. Havne't changed homes, school and the lives of their children more times than they care to mention. Aren't in need of a life-saving liver transplant that they depend on their DH"s insurance to pay for. Sometimes, you have to just write a list of the pros and cons and base your decision on what would be best for the future. It's easy to say, "dump that loser" if you aren't personally involved in the situation.
Please don't get offended--everyone's entitled to an opinion, and I (like everyone else who made observations you didn't agree with) was basing mine on things you'd said, such as:
"I just can't get the stupid ex to BACK OFF.
I can see now why he didn't want her to know about me, she really has issues with herself that she needs to take care of with a counselor or something.
She is now calling me non-stop and calling me a b*tch and whatnot."
Without any additional clarification (which you added later--thanks ), she sure sounds like a psycho to me Like I think lilybelle was going for in her last post, it's difficult to come here and ask people who are very much outside of the situation for advice and then present all the bad issues--we don't see the good, so we have nothing more to base our opinions on than what is here. Please don't get upset about not liking someone else's opinion based on limited information--you know the WHOLE story, so feel free to completely disregard anyone here. I think all opinions here are valid based on the bits and pieces of information provided, but again, no one knows as much about the entire situation as you
In any case, the advice that I've provided to real-life friends in the past works for just about any situation and particularly here: if you have to ask if what's happening is wrong, then it probably is (or at least some aspect of it). That doesn't mean the whole relationship is necessarily wrong--just that things need to be let out in the open and worked through (I'm so glad to hear you guys are working on the trust issue--like I said, I've been in an untrusting situation, and it can be soooo draining!).
Bonita,
I hope your situation does improve because I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have someone else involved in the life of you and your boyfriend. It was one reason that I refused to date someone who had a child, I didn't want an insta family nor did I want the drama that went with it.
Lily,
I think you bring up a good point in that if you are in a relationship, you do need to work out issues. Some issues though can't be worked out or may be too much in order to progress further into the relationship. Some people continue relationships even if they aren't very healthy for them. In hindsight, I've had a lot of relationships that if they were continued, they would've been very bad for me and the other person. Once you get married, things get complicated though and I wish people thought more about marriage before entering into it.
I myself am a little confused. Why ask advice when you dismiss everything and in the end just say that we don't know what is really going on? You should've known that from the beginning when asking the question. We go by what you tell us. You made her sound half insane. I'm honestly thinking that the original post you made was purely out of jealousy and anger. Niether of which I can blame you for. But now you are talking "better" about her and even your boyfriend. I'm not sure whether you are just trying to make us think that your boyfriend is a better man/father than he is or if the first post you made him sound like a butthole just out of anger. Either way, if you don't want advice, unbiased advice and experienced advice, don't ask for it. But don't blame everything on the ex, your boyfriend has just as big of a part in this as she does.
As someone else said "love is blind". In some cases, that is completely true. You are the only one who knows what is going on. Please just re-read your original post and you can easily see how bad it makes your boyfriend and your ex sound. If you leave parts out then...our opinions probably won't make you very happy.
It has been my experience that sometimes people say they want advice, when really they just want to vent. They know they have no intention of doing anything to change their situation, and they want to get stuff off their chests and then maybe have people agree with them. I have learned this lesson from my mil, who still sometimes sucks me into her drama before I have a chance to realize what she's doing...
that being said, I have had people tell me my marriage isn't worth it, I should leave my husband, etc... and I think it is because people are more likely to complain than praise their significant others. I know that's true for me. I love my husband and have no intention on leaving him, but there are problems as there are in every relationship...
according to dictionary.com the definition of advice is as follows: "an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc.:"
that being said, it just seems kind of sad to me that we waste our time trying to help people when so obviously they do not want it. I don't mean that as a specific dig to the person who started this thread, I mean this in general, it happens a lot in real life, online...
I can also sympathize with those of you who have had to, at some point in your lives, listen to the sad tale of someone who tells you all the horrible, bad things about a significant other, only later to take it all back and try to back-track by saying they weren't telling you the "whole story" so it's all out of context and your now-formed opinion is totally wrong.
Frustrating.
As for the original poster's issue, try to let down your defenses and read everything with the mindset that the people here on this board are completely unbiased. They don't know you, they don't know him. If these women form the opinion that your bf is an a$$, it's because that's how you described him. And if you described him that way, you should probably figure out what caused you to do that. That may help in sorting this all out.
wow. i know never to come on here if i need to vent about something. and i thought this was a place for support. not to bash someone. i was wrong. i will go to spark people. they are a little more supportive over there.
perhaps if people had actually READ my first post, they would see that i admitted i WAS venting. hmm???
a little confused here. i will not come back to read what anyone else says because nothing good is coming out of this thread.
We did read your posts, LaBonita. We read things like: "Any advice would be appreciated.
I will take any advice, but I can't promise that I will follow through with any of it. I'm open to any suggestions, but it is ultimately me to make decisions.
I just needed to come here both to vent and ask for advice."
The best advice you could have taken from this whole thread was from 4myself's very first post in this thread (the very first reponse you received), but I'm guessing you did not do as she asked. If you did, you would have seen another very similar thread (followed by an apology) by Tweetyandme and perhaps would have known more of what to expect here.
I know you think we are all being rude or unsupportive, but based on the information you provided us, we were trying to give advice so that you could avoid getting hurt. I think that's the most supportive thing anyone who cares about you can do is try to prevent you from hurting, not just tell you what you want to hear
), she sure sounds like a psycho to me 
Like I think lilybelle was going for in her last post, it's difficult to come here and ask people who are very much outside of the situation for advice and then present all the bad issues--we don't see the good, so we have nothing more to base our opinions on than what is here. Please don't get upset about not liking someone else's opinion based on limited information--you know the WHOLE story, so feel free to completely disregard anyone here. I think all opinions here are valid based on the bits and pieces of information provided, but again, no one knows as much about the entire situation as you 
