Frankly, it sounds like they're still dating too.... & you are the one being lied to & allowing it, blindly trusting someone you know full well isn't trustworthy.
Ok first of all, he is NOT still with her. Trust me. There are a billion reasons why they broke up, and I know he would never want to go back with her. AND my best friend is semi-friends with one of my boyfriend's ex's friends, and I know a lot of the things that are happening right now. They are not together.
Second of all, the reason he continued a relationship with me while he was with her is because he TRIED to break up with her, but she would not let him. She even threatened to kill herself if he left her. He was basically trapped. And with his son in the picture, he couldn't just up and leave. (Do you see now why he does not want to tell her about me?) He didnt have enough money for that, and he was paying for a lawyer - the breakup was happening while he was trying to get custody of his son. I do understand this and no one will change my mind how I feel about this.
Third, I was very suspicious of him in the BEGINNING of the relationship. I was concerned that he would cheat on his girlfriend of 5 years (what made me think he wouldn't cheat on me? blah blah blah), so I did some things to make sure he wasn't doing anything. From time to time I WILL check, because the trust, I don't think, will ever be fully there.
Fourth, yesterday I did find out that his son did open his mouth and now she knows. She is now calling me non-stop and calling me a b*tch and whatnot. I asked her why she has such a problem with it and why she can't just move on, she said she didn't want to and was hoping that some day he would realize what he lost and come back to her. I can see now why he didn't want her to know about me, she really has issues with herself that she needs to take care of with a counselor or something.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I did have a long talk with him last night about his sister not knowing and stuff. I think things are solved, and I'll be meeting her sometime during the holidays. So things are good now.
It is when you do things together, spend time together, talk to each other, call each other, share your lives with each other, are friends. When your family is aware that you are seeing each other & you are both spending time with them too is a big part of how serious you may be with each other (at least outwardly)
Isn't it?
It seems to me that he is dating BOTH of you - he's not being exclusive. Whether their relationship is sexual or not anymore is irrelevent, Whether or not he wants to be with her permanently anymore is also irrelevent. They're dating IMO.
He's probably feeding her as many lines as he does you, to keep her hanging on as long as he wants/needs her to for whatever reason.
Why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way??? You (anyone) deserves MUCH better.
But then, by allowing yourself to become serious about a man who was living with & involved with another woman & keep that relationship hidden for such a long time, you sort of set yourself up for this. You KNEW from day one, that he was capable of cheating & lying - and perhaps should have expected that it would come back to you eventually.
People make mistakes, People fall in love with others who aren't always the 'right one'. Please open your eyes & follow your gut feeling that things aren't right, and let yourself move on so you can find someone that deserves you.
Some of the best advice I ever heard was to consider the purpose of dating. If it is to find out whether the person is a match-a good fit for your life-then really think about the situation. It doesn't have to be that either person is bad, but just that it isn't what you choose for your own life. How do you want to live the rest of your life?
I'm married to a guy who travels about 3 days a week. He is a great guy, but he wouldn't be a good match for everyone. I need to be comfortable being on my own-things always seem to break when he is gone, the kids get sick, etc. If someone decided that wasn't what they wanted for their lives, it doesn't make either one of them bad-just smart to realize that there is more to a relationship than love. There are practical considerations.
I personally wouldn't choose a person who had all the complications in their life that you describe with your boyfriend. Who needs the jealous ex's, the drama, etc.? Dating is usually the time in a relationship where each person bends over backwards to make the other person happy.
The only reason his ex is still in the picture is because your boyfriend wants her there for some reason. If he didn't want here there, he would stop taking her calls, change his number, stop associating with her and her family, stop having her take care of his son, etc. Sometimes breaking up a relationship means breaking up friendships as well or at least limiting those friendships to where an ex wouldn't be. Spending thanksgiving with her family because his friend was there? Yeah I don't think so. It does sound like you are setting yourself up for some future pain but I hope not.
obviously, NO ONE read my last post. i'm happy, he's NOT dating both of us...END OF STORY!!!!!!! i did not ask for advice on whether or not he's still dating her. thank you bluetoblue for your reasonable advice and for actually ANSWERING my question, it seems you and only 1 or 2 other people actually truly read my post.
All I'm going to say is be careful. There are now stalking and harrassment laws out there, you and he may want to check them out, if you are feeling threatened at all. Don't wait until it gets out of hand. (if it hasn't already) Trust me, I have experienced this first hand. Not that I'm saying that she is a stalker or anything. But better to be safe than sorry I say.
Maybe you should have put a disclaimer in your original post....
PLEASE ONLY GIVE ME THE ADVISE I WANT TO HEAR
People are only sharing their thoughts and experience.
Liz
it is not only the advice i want to hear. it is the advice that I ASKED FOR. but no one actually read my post and answered my question. they just jumped to the chance to tell me something completely different.
People are offering advice on EVERYTHING you've written, not just a single question. You've provided a lot of information here about your relationship, and we're all just trying to consider the whole story. I have read everything in this thread (and I haven't been following from the very beginning, so it was a lot of reading to do all at once ). Here is what I've gathered:
You basically are having issues with your boyfriend, and you want to only blame the ex (with small amounts of blame on him here and there). This is normal--nothing wrong with hating the psycho ex. Here's the thing: if she were completely gone and out of the picture, would everything really be perfect? Would he really have introduced you to everyone? Would you have introduced him to your family?
Another giant factor here, in my opinion, is his son. I have to wonder why, if your boyfriend knows this woman is such a psycho that she has threatened suicide and would call you with threatening messages, he allows his young, impressionable son to spend time with her? This, to me, calls into question the quality of father he is, which is a HUGE red flag in my book. If he doesn't even protect his own offspring from a psycho, what makes you think he makes good decisions about anything else? I know it's not specifically what you asked, but again, an outsider's observation that you may want to take into consideration.
And I agree with 2frustrated--I'm sorry you'll never be able to trust the one you love. I know what it's like to feel suspicious and untrusting, and it is NOT a good feeling. If you can't get the trust issues sorted out, then it's a long, bumpy road that lies ahead. I'm not saying you need to dump him immediately because of it, but it is something the two of you should air out. You should never have to sneak around behind his back to check his phone bills and such--that's not normal, nor is it particularly healthy. I've been there, done that, and we had a huge blow up about it once, and things have been a million times better ever since. I no longer check the phone bills or his bank statements or anything crazy like that, and I don't ever ever ever want to again feel like it's something I have to do.
Like I said in my 2 posts, I know he is not cheating, it's not even a question. I'm with him all the time. And trust me, i've heard the saying before, so I've spent a lot of my time making sure nothing is going on and I have checked his phone bills (w/out him knowing), and there is nothing suspicious.
Whether he is cheating or not isn't the question. In fact, it didn't spring into my mind even once. The question is...who does he really care for and love? He obviously doesn't care keeping you in the closet whatsoever but he sure goes the distance to keep her happy. I don't know him or the situation personally but it sounds to me that his heart might just be in a different place than yours is.
I would leave him. At least that would show you if he actually loved and cared for you or not.
Oh and one more thing...you have to 100% trust a person for the relationship to go anywhere.
You can't have a relationship without trust! Sorry but that is fact. If he's only your boyfriend and you can't trust him fully, then what does that say for your future with him?
). Here is what I've gathered:
