[Sweet Madness]

Funny you should post that right now.. I was just thinking about posting in the forum but felt it would be too depressing for people to read. This is what I just wrote in my weight loss journal (which has nothing to do with weight loss) *note it's not a happy read.. I can't help but flinch reading it myself.


I love Jon so much that I ache inside. I begged and pleaded tonight and Jon just sat there straight faced and shook his head. No love, no feelings for me at all. I wanted to rub my hand across his face so baddly.... run my fingers through his hair and hold him close.
He actually believes i'm a psychotic unstable hateful bitter person. Maybe he's right. Maybe the kids would be better off without me. I want to be dead. I don't want to feel anymore. Everything was so much better when Jon loved me. I want nothing more than for Jon to put his arms around me and rescue me.. make it all better just like he use to. He won't be saving me this time.... or any other time. It's over. It's all over. I just can't get it through my head. I never thought this would happen, never in a million years would I have even considered the possiblity. We were suppose to love each other forever. We were suppose to grow old together and enjoy our grandchildren together... face the world together. It's all ruined.

[goodforme]

NOW LISTEN HERE, GIRL! That man is not all you need for happiness!! He is hurting you right now, and being cold and unfeeling in the face of your emotions. He isn't going to rescue you. He should NOT be making you feel unworthy, unstable, or crazy! He should be making this easier for both of you, not harder. And I could just smack him!! We have to get you feeling better about yourself! You can't take on the responsibility for his leaving. That was his choice, and even if he says it's because you changed, or weren't what he needed, it's still HIS choice. And it's hard to accept that, but you have to pull yourself out of this hole you are in. Do you have a minister or a really good counselor you can talk to? I'm worried about you!

[Sweet Madness]

I'm thinking of going to a counselor sometime soon.. I need help figuring all of this out. I know it's been a long time coming but I'm still in shock and denial. I love him so much and it's impossible for me to believe he doesn't love me anymore. We were each others lives. Besides the fact that he doesn't love me and my whole life is going to change, I'm having a really hard time because I know I'm to blame for much of this. I have a bad temper.. I did treat him poorly at one time (when we were teens) I took him for granted and now karma is coming back big time. I regret so many things...I'm sorry for so many things. I'm trying to accept that this is the end but I really can't. As it stands, the children and I will be going back to Indiana/Ohio when school lets out. We'll make a life for ourselves there... around my family and friends. I feel horrible for taking the kids away from him. He can't afford the alimony to keep us here in Florida. I could waive the alimony but I haven't had a job in over six years.. I don't think I could make it here. He thinks I should atleast try.. so the kids can have both of us. I just need to be around family and friends right now. I have no support here except him. I feel so lost and broken.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.

[Sweet Madness]

I miss Jon so much... my body actually aches. I feel like I'm suffocating... like something is stuck in my throat and my chest. I can't even get away from these feelings when I sleep. My dreams all revolve around him.. sometimes good.. sometimes bad. I woke up last night at 3 and laid there crying for an hour. I kept thinking of him being here all alone.. alone on his birthday.. on some of the holidays, when he gets home from work and goes to bed.. when he wakes up. It's just too much. I don't want to leave but our family wouldn't really be "together" even if i stayed. Sure, the kids would get to see their father more often but it wouldn't be the same. I just pray to God that he changes his mind and decides to give it another try. I know this won't happen. The divorce is so close now.. too close. It just can't happen but I know it IS going to happen. Nothing I can do will stop it. I'll never get over this, never be able to make peace with it. I hurt because I miss Jons love.. I hurt because I'm taking the kids so far away from their father... I hurt because I know this isn't the way it should be. When he left awhile ago I actually expected him to bend over and give me a kiss... it was just a split second lapse of reality.. it happens all the time. I forget what's going on sometimes.. everything will seem ok for a minute and I just forget. Forget that he doesn't love me anymore.. forget that our long life together is over. I long for his arms around me... my arms looped around his neck and my head up against his chest. That's the only time I've ever felt content and safe. Dear God bring him back to me.

[Smiling Sal]

Go for the counselling, no other human being has the right to make you feel the way you feeling through all of this.

You are not psychotic, unstable, hateful or bitter, all these thoughts come from the way he is treating you. Who gave him the right to make you feel like this. This is the man you have loved forever, when did you give him permission to make you feel so bad, never, so don't let him. Easy to say I know, not so easy to do {hugs}

Show him how strong you are, prove that you can get your life in order without him. Pack those bags and go down to Indiana/Ohio, even for a few days to get a break and away from the pain. Give yourself and your kids some breathing space and time to think without him being there all the time.

At the moment you probably feel as though you'll never laugh again, but family and friends have a way of making everything feel better.

If he wants to be with the kids bad enough, he'll find a way to do it. You don't have to put in all the effort so that he can still see them, he has to do most of the work, he is the one who left after all.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm thinking of you and hoping you find the strength to reach that anger stage and move you life on with or without him.

You are worth it

[rochemist]

Hey Sweet Madness I was thinking about you when I went to the book drive today and picked up several books that could help you. Feel free to message me and I will send them along. You can check out my book list at www.bookcrossing.com

Miss Chris

[Skinny4baby]

Thinking about how are you doing today?

[blugirrl1]

sweet Madness,
I am new to this thread but just wanted to say. Things will get better. You and the kids are all that is important. I agree with Smiling Sal, go for the counseling it really helps. me and my hubby have had some huge rough times. it seemed after 10 years we were only in it for the kids. i am in therapy now and all i can say girl is find your inner strength. Go to where your support system is and build a wonderful life for you and your babies.
blessed be..