I agree with Moving Forward.
My Dad is a high functioning Narcissist, and coming to terms with who he really is has been the most painful realization of my life. The only way I have been able to come to understand what I'm dealing with is that he is truly incapable of loving me. A lot of my self worth issues and issues with food stem from him. He is a plastic surgeon and he and my grandma disparaged me about my personality, my weight, my emotions, and anything else they could use against me my whole life. My Mom suffers from major depressive disorder and was also quite horrible to live with, and treated me like her own personal therapist my whole childhood, and still does.
The only way for me to deal with this as an adult, is to know what to expect from them, and not expect any more. I don't expect my Dad to call me on my birthday, he never does. I don't expect him to tell me he loves me, or show any affection. I do expect him to torment me, so when he doesn't I'm pleasantly surprised. I expect my mother to be an emotional mess and try to drag me down with her. In this way I can defend myself. Genes do not make you family. My friends have always been my family. Hope is by far the most painful thing when it comes to a parent that doesn't love you unconditionally. You hope they will change, that they really do love you but can't show it for some reason.
In my case, it's sad, but giving up hope of a better relationship with my parents has freed me from some pain. It sounds like you're figuring out how to cope and see what is important for you too.
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