I've gotten a few FB requests lately from folks from the past that just weren't nice, and never got any better, so I always remember the following old joke.
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a sh*t' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious'!"
We are adults, we can choose, if you don't want to be friends with or reconnect with people who made you miserable, don't!
A few years ago, I ended up running into my old high school bully. Except the shoe was on the other foot. She was catering for us! She tried to start a convo. Stuck my nose in the air and so ignored her!
Actually this brings back all kinds of memories of bullying before it was a popular subject.
This woman and her friends, did mechanical damage to my car, more than once, trashed my car with rotten pumpkins and eggs, put mean signs on my HS locker, they went so far as to try to exclude me from pictures for the honor of having poetry published, while in high school.
There is no love lost for me for those people.
Ok, I kinda got off on a rant! Brought back some things I had not thought about for a long time.
So, we are grown ups, if you don't want to be friends, don't.
Of course I agree with these statements but we're not talking about a topic that is controversial or based on faith. I have no idea how these statements fits into the context of this particular situation. We're talking about a grown woman who has to lie to her friend because she can't admit she has no interest in reuniting with someone from 30 years prior.
I agree that therapy may be over kill but from the sound of the OP ... it seems like a little self help could go a long way to improving all the realtionships she has.
The OP dislikes Jennifer's friend. Not much different then say a husband disliking his mother-in-law and keeping his mouth shut about it. Technically the husband isn't being truthful but he does it for the for the sake of peace.
To me this isn't any different. Relationships are about balance. If the OP had to see this woman everyday and then I would agree that saying something would be important but this woman lives in Paris and most likely the OP will never see her. Or if she does it will be in rare social situations. What would the point of being honest except making Jennifer uncomfortable?
The OP dislikes Jennifer's friend. Not much different then say a husband disliking his mother-in-law and keeping his mouth shut about it. Technically the husband isn't being truthful but he does it for the for the sake of peace.
To me this isn't any different. Relationships are about balance. If the OP had to see this woman everyday and then I would agree that saying something would be important but this woman lives in Paris and most likely the OP will never see her. Or if she does it will be in rare social situations. What would the point of being honest except making Jennifer uncomfortable?
Apparently we'll have to agree to disagree.
What is the point of being honest? That question shows how far apart we are on this issue. I'd rather have a few friends where we can be honest with each other even if we don't agree on everything than many superficial relationships.
There's also a big difference between keeping your mouth shut and lying. Lying is more likely to weaken a relationship than strengthen it. It also tends to complicate matters.
Case in point, OP having to repeatedly pretend to have no memory, which means Jennifer isn't buying the lies. Admitting that her memories of person x weren't pleasant and she really didn't want to initiate a friendship (matter-of-factly, without drama) would likely have ended the matter, but the lie (as lies tend to do) to be maintained, requires more lies, which breeds more lies.
Even a simple, "I remember her, but would rather not talk about it," would maintain the privacy without resorting to a lie that needs to be maintained.
What if OP one day needs to talk about these incidents with someone. She can't confide in Jennifer without admitting her initial dishonesty. Just on a practical level, honesty, even if it's "I'd rather not talk about it," means never having to tell a friend you've been dishonest because you didn't trust or respect them with the truth.
When someone lies directly to my face, whether I can tell (which I usually can) or whether I find out later, it affects my perception of the person's trustworthiness and their respect and trust of me.. And a friend I can't trust, who doesn't trust me, isn't a friend.
If op wants to be and stay close friends, then I think she should stop lying to Jennifer, and should find a tactful way to refuse to discuss uncomfortable subjects. Heck, I think "mind your own gd business" would be less damaging to the friendship than pretending not to remember.
Wow, thank you all for your stories and comments. Janelle, I love the joke!
To those who are concerned about a lie: If you re-read, I said I do not like to lie, not I LIED. What I specifically said to Jennifer was in a facebook chat. She was particularly chatty and I was not, and she was typing about six chat lines to my one. She told me she found Kimmie, gave some details. I said "Cool, I remember the name, not much else." [Omission of the fact that the "much else" memory is negative is not a lie, but simply being polite, or not very chatty that day.] Jennifer went on, gave about three or four examples to help jog my memory, and sent me to her facebook page to look at photos. I went to the page, came back, and said, Cool, she looks like Maria (Jennifer's cousin). Jennifer gave three or four more details about Kimmie, and I changed the subject to asking Jennifer if she was still planning to go to a particular event this weekend.
Rest assured, I can be as honest as I want or need to be with my friend Jennifer. If Kimmie lived nearby and Jennifer started actively inviting us to reconnect, I would explain my disinterest more.
Wow, thank you all for your stories and comments. Janelle, I love the joke!
To those who are concerned about a lie: If you re-read, I said I do not like to lie, not I LIED. What I specifically said to Jennifer was in a facebook chat. She was particularly chatty and I was not, and she was typing about six chat lines to my one. She told me she found Kimmie, gave some details. I said "Cool, I remember the name, not much else." [Omission of the fact that the "much else" memory is negative is not a lie, but simply being polite, or not very chatty that day.] Jennifer went on, gave about three or four examples to help jog my memory, and sent me to her facebook page to look at photos. I went to the page, came back, and said, Cool, she looks like Maria (Jennifer's cousin). Jennifer gave three or four more details about Kimmie, and I changed the subject to asking Jennifer if she was still planning to go to a particular event this weekend.
Rest assured, I can be as honest as I want or need to be with my friend Jennifer. If Kimmie lived nearby and Jennifer started actively inviting us to reconnect, I would explain my disinterest more.
I agree with what you did. Just because you do not tell your friend every negative feeling you have about everything doesn't mean the relationship is superficial. I hate my best friend's mother (she has made passive aggressive comments about my weight) but they are really close and since I am never around her mother except about twice a year for two hours tops I just don't say anything about it and I think our friendship is stronger for it. And I complain to my sister about Jennifer's mother so it really works out just fine!
I agree with what you did. Just because you do not tell your friend every negative feeling you have about everything doesn't mean the relationship is superficial. I hate my best friend's mother (she has made passive aggressive comments about my weight) but they are really close and since I am never around her mother except about twice a year for two hours tops I just don't say anything about it and I think our friendship is stronger for it. And I complain to my sister about Jennifer's mother so it really works out just fine!
I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way because I'm not trying to pick on you here I'm just trying to understand a few things. Such as why do you hate someone you only see a couple times a year because of a few off hand comments?
Why do you think your relationship with your friend is stronger because you don't stand up for yourself when a hurtful comment is made? Do you honestly think that your relationship with your friend would be damaged if you communicated with the mother about how those comments made you feel? If so - it's not much of a friendship. Heck you might find out the reason the monther is a nice person and now you have two friends instead of one friend and one person you hate.
As for the OP - no one is suggesting she tell every negative feeling to her friend. I'm merely suggesting that she not lie to her friend. Surely you can see these are two different things.
I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way because I'm not trying to pick on you here I'm just trying to understand a few things. Such as why do you hate someone you only see a couple times a year because of a few off hand comments?
Why do you think your relationship with your friend is stronger because you don't stand up for yourself when a hurtful comment is made? Do you honestly think that your relationship with your friend would be damaged if you communicated with the mother about how those comments made you feel? If so - it's not much of a friendship. Heck you might find out the reason the monther is a nice person and now you have two friends instead of one friend and one person you hate.
As for the OP - no one is suggesting she tell every negative feeling to her friend. I'm merely suggesting that she not lie to her friend. Surely you can see these are two different things.
Honestly, not to pick on you by why aren't people allowed to be hurt or have moments of weakness? Also, I am allowed to dislike or hate anyone I want. You don't know me or are the in room when I am with this person so why do feel that you can judge me or the OP's situation?
Also, I didn't want to get into it but my friend's mother is extremely critical of just not me but of my friend. She loves her mother deeply but her mom criticizes her weight non stop in what I consider cruel ways but my friend sees it as love but I don't. Quite frankly, I am not going to bother my friend about twice a year issue when she deals with it everyday of her life. I feel that I should support my friend because I love her. I communicate a lot of my problems to her just not this one and I don't feel the need to stand up to her mother. I don't respect her or expect her to change, she isn't worth my time.
No offense JohnP but you make A LOT of assumptions on a few snippets of posts but you don't know the full story or the background of any us. Most of us post here to rant or get support and not hear "get over it" or "see a therapist" for every frustration or annoyance or rant we have.
Sorry for being a ***** but on this issue I really can't control myself. So I won't respond or comment on this thread again! Sorry again.
Well - it's a primary difference between guys and gals. Us guys always want to solve problems even when someone is not looking for a solution.
Given the additional information about your friend, it seems like an extremely poor comparsion to the OP's situation so I'm not sure why you used it. Just my opinion. I'm sure you had a reason you felt it was a good comparsion.
I'm not trying to win an argument here. It's clear we have extremely different perspectives on interpersonal relationships. I can't phathom lying to a friend to spare her feelings on a friend from 30 years ago, while you think it's a good idea. You hate your friend's monther because she is a negative person. I wouldn't give that kind of person a second thought.
Here ... watch this video. We can just agree to disagree.
A few times in this thread, you've said "I'm not trying to be a jerk" or something of that nature. Usually what happens, at least in my mind, is as soon as I read that, I am already associating the word JERK with you. If you have to qualify your words with a phrase like that, maybe you should think about saying things a little less abrasively?
And then you go on to say Patlib used a poor example and not sure why she used it. "Just your opinion" is being used for you to qualify insulting someone.
You sound like you are down on people lying, but I would say all of the following statements have more than a glint of dishonesty to them: "I'm not trying to win an argument here." "I'm not trying to pick on you" "I'm not trying to be a jerk."
I think I am going to bail on this thread, too. The original intent has been lost. Thanks to everybody who contributed.
I can relate to JohnP's posts and his dilemma, because I too have a "solve it" personality. It is a stereotypical "male" response. My husband once told me that I was the least feminine woman, he'd ever met (and he meant it as a compliment).
When someone asks, "What would you do?" I think they actually want to know and are prepared to receive a wide range of responses, not just "exactly what you did."
Brought back some things I had not thought about for a long time. 
