What would you do if a friend's husband hit on you? Would you tell the friend?
So...a long time ago, this new friend of mine (who had a lot more in common with my husband at the time than with me) invited us to her home for drinks. We ended up in their outdoor hot tub. There was another couple there, too. This was the summer before I left my H, btw.
Her husband had wandering hands. On my leg. I removed his hand. On my thigh. I removed his hand. On my woohoo. I kicked him while removing his hand. All the while she sat blindly next to him. I never said a word, but I promptly never went over there again, nor did I pursue her friendship. I didn't want anything to do with that. I don't even know if she was in on it, like a swinger couple type thing. Just not my thing. I am faithful, even to my then jerk-hole husband.
Over the next 3 years, they have been cordial to me, casual friends, and they have been social with my ex. Vacations together and such. My ex got custody of the friendship that I didn't want anyway, even though I did tell me ex that night about what the husband tried to do. Weird to me that my then husband didn't even get mad about it. In fact, he seemed flattered.
Well anyway, over the weekend, I was at a soccer tournament in another town and that guy was there without his wife. In fact, I was one of the only moms there. It seems that all the dads took their kids but me.
We've all known each other for YEARS and have done the away tournament thing multiple times for multiple sports. It always involves daughters switching rooms and families going out to dinner in between games, etc., and usually the parents end up in the hotel bar, or someone's room for a glass of wine, etc. It's kind of a party, kind of not, since we are supervising our 11-14 y.o. daughters.
So...this guy brought up the hot tub incident. We haven't spoken about it in 3 years. I just want to forget it. But, he came on to me! WTH!?!?! I firmly told him NO.
I know the wife is a pretty tough woman. She takes no shart from anyone. I would want to know if my husband did this. But I DO NOT want to tell her.
Is that OK? Is it right to know her husband tries to cheat on her and not tell her?
What is your code of sisterhood? I know that my friends have never followed the code. Probably better to keep mouths shut. But anyone have an opinion?
I'll probably be the minority but I say tell her. Friendship is one thing and great to have and recently I actually lost a dear friend because I told her that her husband of 7 years was having sex with her SISTER. She believed me, she felt it too, they talked he lied, she's scared to leav ebecaus eof money and they have 3 kids.
We kind of just quit talking, things were weird. And her sister lives with them because she's a bit down in life right now- go figure. Bad choices and all.
Anyways, the point is, it may not always end up with a happy ending but I can leave with a clear conscience. I did what is right.
I'd hope a friend would do it for me. If he's hitting on you- a family friend! Imagine what else he could be sleeping with, or bringing home to his wife, or the wasted years she may end up with when he leaves.
I've never been one to keep my mouth shut when it comes to right and wrong, no matter what. Some people don't like it, some hate it, but if your friends wont take up for you who will?
I would say tell her..if she takes no "shart" (lol) from anyone, than why should she take it from her husband?
Be sure to make sure she knows thats why you distanced yourself from her even though you like her. Make sure she knows it wasn't something you wanted and you will continue to avoid her husband.
Also be prepared for her to either deny it and be mad at you, but I think she would already know. I am positive her husband has done this to other women and had friends dissapear on her, or accepted his advances.
If she does know, than she might turn a blind eye to it to keep her marriage in tact.
In the end, its up to you to decide to tell or not to tell. They chose to hang with your ex, so its not like you'd lose a close friend or anything.
I would tell her. So what if she backs away from you, she isn't a close friend anyway.
And be sure he is not alone around your daughter.
You can check police records in some states for sex offenders.
See if he has a record. If he does he might be not allowed to be around kids at all.
And let all the other ladies at these events know that he has wandering hands and needs monitoring.
I was warned at different singles clubs about weirdos, and I am happy the gals told me.
I'm not sure why we should assume that just because this guy has wandering hands with adult women (particularly in an environment he might have interpreted as inviting -- the hot tub -- but I am NOT condoning his actions as he had no right to touch you without your permission) that he's a pedophile or a convicted sex offender. Very different things and while I don't think caution is a bad thing, tarring someone with such an ugly brush is not exactly productive.
He may not be a registered offender but I'm sorry, that was sexual assault. When your hand is removed and constantly going back, touching her vagina (is that what you mean?), that is assault. Plain and simple.
I agree with the whole sex offender/pedophile comment. Not sure that I would go that far. I would agree that his behavior is very inappropriate and I would keep my distance. As far as telling the wife. I say don't listen to anyone but your gut. Sleep on it. If you pray, pray on it. Then in the morning an answer will come to you. And I would stick to that. Good luck!
I'd tell her why you've distanced yourself. Be totally honest. Tell her he approached you at the soccer game. If he's done this with you, he's probably done it with other women.
Your thoughts about the swinger lifestyle may be correct. Who knows? If you tell her about the incident in the hot tub, ask her what she'd have done if you'd reacted to him. Would she have moved on your husband or the other man and left your husband with the other woman?
You aren't losing a friend. She's just a distant acquaintance.
I wouldn't tell. But, I'm the non-confrontational type.
I would avoid being in situations where you might be alone with him in the future.
Now, if it was my best friend I might tell her, but just a casual aquaintance, nope.
Someone whom I trust for sound advice once told me if it's not life-threatening, it's best to not say anything.
Telling her would potentially destroy her emotionally and majorly impact her children, but it sounds like this guy is bound to do that regardless of whether you tell her or not. You could help her realize it now, or later when she catches an STD from him that HE caught from some other woman.
You might be pleasantly(?) surprised to hear her say that she has an open relationship with her husband and she's perfectly OK with him going out and having casual relations with other women.
I would assume she knows and just stay out of it. There's no way he's that obvious right in front of her and she doesn't know. She has decided to put up with it. No need to embarrass her by pointing out the obvious. Maybe she doesn't take any shrt from anyone because she's getting so much of it at home.
I have been hit on by husbands of friends, I would not tell her, but I would and did tell the husband of a good friend that I do not stab my friends in the back. The same thing happened witj another friends husband I just laughed it off to him and let him know I wasn't interested. That ended it in both cases.
I would 100% tell the wife. But I might start with asking her (if you are telling her in real time) if they do have an open relationship, as other commenters have pointed out. Assuming they don't have an open relationship, no one is doing their marriage any favors by sweeping this behavior under the rug. You don't ever have to talk with either half of that couple again since they are only acquaintances so don't agonize over it too much and just get it over with. I would want someone to do that for me if my husband hit on her.
Also, maybe you've reconsidered this since that time, but personally I would not have let the husband touch me a third time in the hot tub. The first time could be a mistake. On the second time, I would have stood up, told him clearly in front of his wife to keep his hands to himself, and left the hot tub. Then there would have never been a third touch or a second proposition years later.
My instinct is to say "Tell her. We'd all want to know, she should know." BUT.....that's not what I am going to suggest. I'd say if she's not even a close friend then why put yourself in that postion. Telling her doesn't mean he'll leave you alone. And she would probably defend him anyway, whether she believes you or not. He's her spouse, and you are their friends ex--no offense. I just think she may not want to hear what you have to say and it could get ugly. If she's a tough lady, then she's most likely going to get defensive about her relationship and you are going to look like the bad guy. JMO.....I've been the messenger of this news and it did not go well.
I'd stay far away from him if possible, and let him know exactly what you think of his behavior if given the chance. Maybe just threatening to tell her will get him to back off.
What would you do if a friend's husband hit on you? Would you tell the friend?
