Last weekend I was hanging out with my boyfriend and a friend of his. We were at his friend's apartment drinking wine. I don't drink wine very often... and it kind of sneaks up on me. We were sitting around playing cards and then his friend told everyone she wanted to go to bed (She was pretty drunk by that point) and so we all left.
I was pretty drunk too by that point... Getting drunk isn't something I do a lot, if anyone is wondering.
My boyfriend is a very emotionally guarded person. This is new territory for me. In the past I have dated guys who gush and tell me over and over how madly in love with me they are. But most of them treated me like crap at the end of the day, so I of all people should know that actions speak louder then words.
My boyfriend doesn't tell me how he feels about me. I mean, he compliments me. He tells me he misses me once in a while. He has never told me he loves me or anything like that. But he was also with his ex for three years and only told her he loved her a few times in the whole three years.
We have also talked about me moving to his city. We live about an hour away from each other. The only thing holding me here in my town is my job, which is actually causing some health problems and I am looking to get out. I am picky though because I make really good money.
But anyway... on the drive back to my place we started talking about this possible move. I don't remember a lot of this conversation... but I remember being all emotional and crying about it.
Back at my place this continued. I remember still crying but I can only remember bits and pieces of the conversation. I remember hounding him a little but about not telling me how he feels ever. I remember saying, "I'm clueless, I have NO idea how you feel about me." He told me I make him really happy and we are happy together so it's all good. He said some other things too, but I can't remember...
Basically we had this whole epic discussion about our relationship and I was out of it and being a complete idiot.
This has been bothering me ever since it happened. Yesterday at work I couldn't stop thinking about it and I was feeling really depressed about it. I even texted him and told him I am so sorry and I can't even remember most of it.
He said, and I quote, "Don't worry too much about it."
I told him I wouldn't... and wish that was true. I still can't stop thinking about it.
This happened one other time, and that time I was taking Prednisone and hadn't slept in like 3 days.
I have no problem with how guarded he is when I'm sober... I don't know why I've let myself hound him and nag him a couple times like this while under the influence of something. But I'm worried it's going to hurt our relationship eventually.
So I've decided not to get drunk anymore. Him and I have been together 9 months and I've been drunk twice in that time. Both times I made a complete *** of myself with him. So, I'm eliminating this problem right now.
I guess I just wanted to talk about this and hear other people's opinions about it because it really is bothering me a lot... especially after the crap that just happened with my ex.
I don't think your problem is with drinking so much as it is you want and need more emotional support and openness from your boyfriend. Some people are OK with their significant others being really guarded all the time but it's pretty obvious from what you wrote that you guys have different love languages or communication styles or whatever you want to call it. Which is fine as long as you guys are able to figure out how to express your feelings to each other in the way the other understands best/prefers, and feel they are reciprocated to a satisfactory level.
I don't think your problem is with drinking so much as it is you want and need more emotional support and openness from your boyfriend. Some people are OK with their significant others being really guarded all the time but it's pretty obvious from what you wrote that you guys have different love languages or communication styles or whatever you want to call it. Which is fine as long as you guys are able to figure out how to express your feelings to each other in the way the other understands best/prefers, and feel they are reciprocated to a satisfactory level.
This...
Yea, we do communicate differently. I told him I loved him for the first time a couple months ago. He didn't say it back, which was fine if he wasn't ready. But I wish I had some idea how he felt... Now I just don't say it at all. I told him the other night that I don't say it because I don't want to make him uncomfortable. He told me it doesn't make him uncomfortable. He said the only time it would is if I said it in front of people and made a big thing of it. (Which I never did. He just was using that as an example of what would make him uncomfortable.)
I told him the other night that this is the best relationship I've ever been in. He couldn't even reciprocate that which upset me. That's one part of this whole thing that I actually do remember.
When I'm sober I'm able to look at this rationally. But throw some booze into the mix and all rationality goes out the window I guess.
I'm going to echo the poster before me. it seems like you're really into him (you love him!), and he is more than likely really into you too. But, he needs to be more open about his feelings with you. If he wasn't ready to say I love you, he wasn't ready-- you seem to understand that. But, he could tell you other things, like reciprocating when you share your feelings! I don't know him, but it sounds like he is just a shy guy, so may be you might want to talk about your relationship Sober. I don't necessarily think you threw rationality out the window, I think you have been probably thinking about how he feels, and you really really want to know where your relationship stands in his eyes...
I don't think your problem is with drinking so much as it is you want and need more emotional support and openness from your boyfriend. Some people are OK with their significant others being really guarded all the time but it's pretty obvious from what you wrote that you guys have different love languages or communication styles or whatever you want to call it.
Yup.
I was in a relationship for years with someone like your bf and I never, ever felt loved, supported, encouraged, and half the time I thought he didn't even LIKE me let alone love me.
Even though I could rationalize it logically, in my heart it was killing me and giving me constant stress. It HURT me, even though it wasn't his fault.
We ended up breaking up and I look forward to having someone in my future that speaks my love language. Relationships are hard enough, I don't need to fight with someone to tell me they love me and I'm awesome. It shouldn't be that difficult.
You got drunk, your guard was down, and you really SPOKE YOUR TRUTH. There's nothing wrong with that.
I agree with BreathingSpace, I was in a relationship once where half the time I wasn't sure if the guy I was with even liked me. It was terrible. I mean I'm pretty sure he did like me because he stuck around for a long time, but it was hard to tell where he stood emotionally. It made me feel really, really alone and unwanted. I had a guy, but him not being open with me made me feel like I didn't deserve him.
Years later I'm with someone else, and we say I love you to each other so many times it's probably pretty sickening to other people. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am a big believer in Love Languages. It's the way people give and receive love. For my boyfriend, he likes to receive verbal praise, and he likes to give gifts. For me, I like to give verbal praise, and I like to receive with acts of service (get your minds out of the gutter haha).
When we would have an issue, when we first started dating, his way to show love was to give me a gift. That just made me madder because I felt like he was just throwing money at me as if he thought he could buy my affection. We had a long talk about how doing things for me (offering to get me a drink or letting me choose the movie) were ways that I felt loved. Since we had that discussion our relationship has been better than ever!
You got drunk, your guard was down, and you really SPOKE YOUR TRUTH. There's nothing wrong with that.
Yep. And what all the others said too. Even if you can rationalize his behavior, it still bothers your, otherwise it wouldn't creep up ANYtime, drunk or not.
I, personally, like to dance like a complete idiot when I'm drunk. I'd really like to do it all the time but I supress it, and when I drink it comes out without warning, no stopping it. Same thing.
Relax a bit, it happens occasionally. I agree with the other posters, that you probably need more support from your boyfriend, more than you have a drinking problem. You need to sort that out him, preferably when sober... But you knoww what they say, a drunk mouth speaks a sober heart. You just meed to develop the courage.
If it makes you feel ANY better, I did the same thing this weekend, except it was in front of a few of my coworkers. Yikes. Thankfully they are like brothers to me... But still. Damn working with all men, and them insisting I go shot for shot. I also insist on fighting when I get tipsy... Not like all-out brawling, but more like practice defensive tactics. Needless to say, I woke up with about 15 new bruises.
I know exactly how you feel. In the past, I've been with guys that are all over me, tell me they love me non-stop, shower me with kisses and lots of affection, etc. Then, I meet my boyfriend and at the beginning he's like completely perfect. Now, he's just........Yea. He doesn't show much affection or is very open with how he feels, etc. It's a pain in the *** and I think lately he's finally starting to get the drift. He talks about how he can't take **** talkers, fighting all the time, etc. I don't fight with him much at all......But I do tell him like it is because I think he needs to hear it. Don't hold back your emotions because it'll bother the **** out of you after a while and you will just blow! But with him he's finally understanding me a little more and whenever I tell him how I'm feeling he's like, "ok baby. I'll change that, etc. etc." He tries and that's all I ask for.
I don't think your problem is with drinking so much as it is you want and need more emotional support and openness from your boyfriend. Some people are OK with their significant others being really guarded all the time but it's pretty obvious from what you wrote that you guys have different love languages or communication styles or whatever you want to call it. Which is fine as long as you guys are able to figure out how to express your feelings to each other in the way the other understands best/prefers, and feel they are reciprocated to a satisfactory level.
I was at work all evening and didn't have time to reply to this thread...
I had never heard of love languages until now. I have been reading about them...
It's hard to figure out what mine even is. I would say more words of affirmation and quality time more then anything.
It's even harder to figure out what his is. He is so hard to read. If I had to guess I would say quality time. I know it's definitely not words or acts of service. I would guess quality time since he told me this weekend when I was drunk that he is really happy when him and I spend time together.
Him and I are on completely different end of the spectrum when it comes to words of affirmation. But we both are big on quality time which is a good thing.
Idk... the fact that he doesn't say the words I want to hear is hurtful. But I guess I could build on the fact that we both like spending time together.
I'm going to echo the poster before me. it seems like you're really into him (you love him!), and he is more than likely really into you too. But, he needs to be more open about his feelings with you. If he wasn't ready to say I love you, he wasn't ready-- you seem to understand that. But, he could tell you other things, like reciprocating when you share your feelings! I don't know him, but it sounds like he is just a shy guy, so may be you might want to talk about your relationship Sober. I don't necessarily think you threw rationality out the window, I think you have been probably thinking about how he feels, and you really really want to know where your relationship stands in his eyes...
You nailed it on so many levels...
He is very shy.
And yes... after nine months I don't expect him to be professing his undying love on a daily basis... but I would like to at least know if he loves me too... or at least could love me.
I have been hurt a lot. I am afraid of being hurt again. I wish he could just say something to put my mind at ease a little.
I was in a relationship for years with someone like your bf and I never, ever felt loved, supported, encouraged, and half the time I thought he didn't even LIKE me let alone love me.
Even though I could rationalize it logically, in my heart it was killing me and giving me constant stress. It HURT me, even though it wasn't his fault.
We ended up breaking up and I look forward to having someone in my future that speaks my love language. Relationships are hard enough, I don't need to fight with someone to tell me they love me and I'm awesome. It shouldn't be that difficult.
You got drunk, your guard was down, and you really SPOKE YOUR TRUTH. There's nothing wrong with that.
Yes... it is stressful and causing me a lot of anxiety. I have issues with my self esteem, and I've been hurt a lot. I'm scared of being hurt again.
I guess there are worse things I could have done besides get drunk and go off on a tangent about how much I wish he would tell me how he feels.
I agree with BreathingSpace, I was in a relationship once where half the time I wasn't sure if the guy I was with even liked me. It was terrible. I mean I'm pretty sure he did like me because he stuck around for a long time, but it was hard to tell where he stood emotionally. It made me feel really, really alone and unwanted. I had a guy, but him not being open with me made me feel like I didn't deserve him.
Years later I'm with someone else, and we say I love you to each other so many times it's probably pretty sickening to other people. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I also feel like I don't deserve the guy I'm with... I don't think he's intentionally making me feel unworthy... it just comes across that way I guess.
I am a big believer in Love Languages. It's the way people give and receive love. For my boyfriend, he likes to receive verbal praise, and he likes to give gifts. For me, I like to give verbal praise, and I like to receive with acts of service (get your minds out of the gutter haha).
When we would have an issue, when we first started dating, his way to show love was to give me a gift. That just made me madder because I felt like he was just throwing money at me as if he thought he could buy my affection. We had a long talk about how doing things for me (offering to get me a drink or letting me choose the movie) were ways that I felt loved. Since we had that discussion our relationship has been better than ever!
Maybe I could bring this up to him when the time is right...
Or I could just get drunk again and blurt it all out and only remember half of it the next day, lol...
Drank too much and made an *** of myself...
Same thing. 
