Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickieBoom
I agree! I think I'm really upset because she didn't even ask if she could stay through New Year's. She just stated that that was what she was going to do. She didn't ask me if I would mind or if it was ok with my parents to stay at their house for 12 days over their vacation. She just said, I'm staying through New Years. I wouldn't be thrilled about it if she had asked because I think it's an imposition but I'm pissed that she didn't ask.
|
Everyone miscommunicates sometimes. False assumptions, unclear communication, poor communication... it hppens. It's also true that there are cultural and family differences in what is considered normal and polite. Literally in many cultures and subcultures what is stated in a statement is assumed to actually be a question (she would have corrected me, if I was wrong).
In others, an invitation (even if it's an invitation that was requested) that is given without a specific time frame is considered an OPEN invitation (stay as long as you'ld like is implied IF the host doesn't say anything othewise).
I worked in social service and law enforcement most of my career, and I had to learn about many different cultures and subcultures, and encountered many more regional and family differences as well. In MANY cultures for example, a wedding invitation is assumed to mean "bring as many friends as you'ld like, the more the merrier." Now etiquette books will tell you that's rude - but it isn't rude if everyone involved understand the cultural expectations.
Because there are so many different sets of etiquette and politeness, I never assume that a person is being intentionally rude because they didn't communicate the way I wish they would have. I also don't do anything that I don't wish to do, so if there's a misscommunication, I do what I need to, to clear it up.
Let's face it, you weren't clear when inviting her, how long the invitation was meant for. That's your miscommunication in this. She assumed that the invitation was open-ended. That's her miscommunication. You felt hurt that she didn't ask if she could extend the visit, but you said nothing. That implied it was ok with you... another miscommunication on your part...
Getting upset over how someone "should have communicated" usually is counterproductive - especially when you're not communicating clearly yourself. There are so many things you could have said to clarify the situation, instead you perpetuated the miscommunication. That's why "etiquette" is often more nonsense than not, because every group of people have their own set. "They should know better," really is in the eye of the beholder, because none of us get a complete set of the rules and we don't get to see the rule lists the other person is working with.
So, assuming she didn't mean to be inconsiderate (and if you assume she is inconsiderate why is she your friend), you could have communicated your feelings in many ways that would have cleared up the misunderstanding.
1. Wow, I really wish you would have asked about staying longer sooner. I'm not sure that will work out for us, let me talk to my parents and I'll get back to you on that."
2. (You also could have acted as if you just naturally assumed her statement was actually a question) "That would be fun, I'll talk to my parents and see if it's ok." or "I'll have to find out if that's going to work for us," or even "You know that's not going to work for us."
Especially when people get excited about something, it's easy to make false assumptions. She probably was so excited and was having so much fun thinking and talking about her visit, that she assumed you felt the same way. It wasn't the most sensitive of assumptions, but I doubt she meant to weasel her way into your family's holiday celebrations whether she was welcome or not.
In fact, I bet she would me mortified if she realized you were offended in any way.
If you think she's by nature rude, selfish, and insensitive, why is she your friend in the first place? And if she's a friend, or even just a a random, average person, isn't it much more likely that she just got carried away in the excitement of planning the visit?]
Give her the benefit of the doubt in terms of her intentions, but if you don't want her to stay that long, tell her it won't work out (give whatever reason you're comfortable with, even if it's no explanation at all).
