I'm fuming right now. So basically, my friend called me about a month ago and asked if she could come home with me (to my parent's house) for Christmas. She was going to be travelling quite a bit and didn't want to pay for a plane ticket to LA in December when she was going to LA in January. I would never want anyone to be alone for the holiday so I said that I'd ask my parents. We never discussed how long she would stay with me but I assumed that she would have to be back at work after Christmas so she would only be with us for 3-4 days.
I have been so excited because for the first time in 4 years, I was able to take off from work the entire week between Christmas and New Year's. I was thrilled to be back home for this length of time and started making plans to see friends and family.
Well yesterday she informed me that she didn't have plans for New Year's so she was going to extend her stay with my family for the entire week. I AM APPALLED! Who does that? Who invites themself to someone's parent's house and then extends their visit without even asking if it's ok? I'm so annoyed about the whole thing. She should have at least asked if it would be ok with my parents and ok with me!
When I spoke to my mother about it, she felt that it's the holidays and that I should be more charitable and gracious. I agree with her completely. But I'm still pissed. I wish that there was some way that I could shake off my annoyance so as not to ruin the entire vacation but everytime I think about it, I get angrier because she's just latched herself on to my entire holiday vacation.
Have any of you had similar situations? What did you do?
Could you talk to her about it?
"X, I'm so happy to spend some time with you over the holidays, but I also really wanted some one-on-one time with my parents between Christmas & New Years."
Slight fib, but maybe she's understand? Is she a local friend? Was she planning on driving with you to your parents, or taking her own car?
Wow! What an awkward situation she put you in..I'm not sure what I would say or do. I'm pretty sure I'd be peeved off, but I'm not sure I would say anything? It would be awkward all around..Wow. I'm speechless and that NEVER happens.
We went to college together and are very close friends. We both live in the same city now.
She's planning on leaving with me the Friday before Christmas and coming back New Year's day. TWELVE DAYS! That's a long long time to invite yourself to be a houseguest...in someone's parent's house.
I feel like I'm being a little witch about it but I know her feelings will be super hurt if I say anything. She loves my parents.
Last edited by ChickieBoom; 12-05-2012 at 03:41 PM.
I can understand the way you feel. But still, I wonder if there is some other reason for your resentment of her for this. Are there other issues between the two of you that this may be exacerbating?
I can understand the way you feel. But still, I wonder if there is some other reason for your resentment of her for this. Are there other issues between the two of you that this may be exacerbating?
I don't know that there are any issues outside of regular friendship issues. You spend enough time being someone's friend and there are things that you care for and things that you don't.
I can be a bit of a loner so I'm not sure I'd be entirely comfortable spending 12 days with anyone outside of my immediate family (and I'm sure they'll be getting on my nerves by the end of the vacation as well).
As another loner, I completely get this. 12 days with anyone not your family/spouse can be daunting. I get aggravated when a phone call exceeds 20 minutes or a dinner over 2 hours. I just want to go home to my jammies.
What she did was certainly rude and assuming, but I don't think I would mention anything. She probably didn't mean any real harm, as rude as it was. But I get your feelings and would feel the exact same way.
But long term friends are hard to come by, and as loners, even harder to make.
As another loner, I completely get this. 12 days with anyone not your family/spouse can be daunting. I get aggravated when a phone call exceeds 20 minutes or a dinner over 2 hours. I just want to go home to my jammies.
What she did was certainly rude and assuming, but I don't think I would mention anything. She probably didn't mean any real harm, as rude as it was. But I get your feelings and would feel the exact same way.
But long term friends are hard to come by, and as loners, even harder to make.
Ugh...you make some very good points. I'm just not good at hiding resentment and I'm afraid that if I don't say something, things will get ugly.
Without knowing all of the details I'm hesitant to call your friend "rude" or "assuming". If anything you said: "I assumed that she would have to be back at work after Christmas so she would only be with us for 3-4 days."
I'm not trying to be unsympathetic, but it would have been wise to solidify the plans you made and discuss the length of the visit when you first agreed to it (however, hind sight is 20/20).
Maybe she thought that it was implied that you'd be spending the entire vacation together?
as owlstealzombies said, good friends can be hard to come by.
I'm think that I'm going to sleep on it for a couple of nights. I'm on the fence about what to do. I should have asked more questions when she initially asked to spend Christmas with us and I am really grateful to have a family to go home to. I don't want to be selfish about this so I'll just give it some more time and see where I'm at in a few days.
I wouldn't call myself a loner, but I def. need my "me time"!! No 2 ways about that. I would be PISSED in your situation. I would either tell a white lie, a lie or even the truth (especially the truth!) in a very nice way. You need to enjoy your own time with your family. All the best.
I wouldn't call myself a loner, but I def. need my "me time"!! No 2 ways about that. I would be PISSED in your situation. I would either tell a white lie, a lie or even the truth (especially the truth!) in a very nice way. You need to enjoy your own time with your family. All the best.
I agree! I think I'm really upset because she didn't even ask if she could stay through New Year's. She just stated that that was what she was going to do. She didn't ask me if I would mind or if it was ok with my parents to stay at their house for 12 days over their vacation. She just said, I'm staying through New Years. I wouldn't be thrilled about it if she had asked because I think it's an imposition but I'm pissed that she didn't ask.
You have every right to feel that way-- 12 days is a long time to expect to be someone's house guest! Tell her it won't work out for 12 days, only 3, 4 or whatever you feel comfortable with and stick to it.
Can you tell her that you had already made plans to get together with others after Xmas and that she would have to entertain herself during those days? That way, you could do your own thing (and have some privacy) and she would have to go shopping/see a movie/go to a museum, etc., with the understanding she'd have a place to stay in the evenings.
The entire situation doesn't sound that crazy to me. I have a very close friend who I could see your situation happening with. She, as well, loves my parents (and they her), so she is almost considered another sibling. If she would unexpectedly extend her stay, she wouldn't consider it overstepping her bounds (nor would my parents), as they are always asking her to spend time with them. But, I could see how the situation could be really awkward without that relationship already in place.
I can't even spend 12 days with my parents let alone a friend! I need my alone time.
It's kinda weird that she just TOLD you she would be staying that long. Is she the clingy type who will expect to spend every minute with you or can you leave her to her own devices?
Uninvited Christmas Guest
