I found something like that once, and I couldn't act normal about it after reading it - I burst out crying over cheeseburgers at a Five Guys I believe. He explained it and while it didn't fix everything, it filled in the gaps in the "what if XYZ TERRIBLE THING" floating through my thoughts.
You really need to clear this up with your BF in order to progress in your relationship and move past this, I think. It's not necessarily cheating or a one-way red flag in your relationship that he has had feelings for this girl, though there is something fishy about him trying to make her feel guilty about her engagement/upcoming marriage...see what he says about it.
It is important not to make trust issues brought upon by others someone else's problem, too. Just because Jack cheated has no bearing on whether Leroy will cheat, you know?
I think i agree with what most are saying- I need to just bite the bullet and tell him what I know. I've thought about it (somewhat logically) over the last day or so, and I know myself. This will always be in the back of my mind unless I get an explanation. I also have a tendency to over analyze everything, so it's very well possible that I misconstrued quite a bit from the chat and that the comments were mostly harmless. I also tried to put myself in his situation, and while I still think their conversation/comments was inappropriate, I can understand the feelings that he might have (in terms of wondering what would have happened if he had asked her out). I guess I'll try to find a way to bring it up to him and hope he doesn't get really angry about the snooping part of it.
MedChick87, I think before you bring it up to him you should really decide how this makes you feel independent of his response. There's not a lot to misunderstand about what he said. The part about how they "could have been" would be disturbing enough to me, but the fact that seeing her engagement photos has an emotional impact on him really bothers me. I wouldn't say he's necessarily doing anything wrong, but that doesn't mean it's right for you to be with someone who isn't 100-percent thrilled to be with you with no regrets. Ten months is long enough to be invested in the current relationship and to have completely moved on from the past. If you are ok with the idea of him having regrets about other girls, then maybe the relationship will be fine. But I would caution you to really think hard about it before you give him the chance to talk his way out of it. You want to believe he's all in, so you're going to give him the chance to convince you he is. But think about whether or not that should erase what you know.
"the us that could have been" and comments about how my boyfriend can't stand to look at their engagement pictures and how he regrets not asking her out.
Ok. This got my attention. Why?
Because of the "us that could have been".
I have been married to my husband (2nd husband, actually!) over 19 years now. We'll celebrate our 20th next May by renewing our vows. I'm so excited! Can't wait! I'd "I-do" with him again every single day. Our marriage is good, we've had some hard times but we've always managed to get thru them. He's far from perfect, but he's perfect for me.
Why do I say this? Well see... when I was 16, I dated a guy in hi-school. BRIEFLY. He was so SWEET! - and he was just crazy about me. But for one reason or another, we couldn't get the relationship "to go". A few years later, we hooked up again. BRIEFLY, again. I soooo wanted to work things out with him. He had always been crazy about me, and I was pretty crazy for him, too. But again... circumstances... we couldn't get together & stay together.
As the years passed, we ran into each other a few more times. Either he was in a relationship or I was, so we could never "get it together." We have never slept together, we have never done anything more than our teen-age lusting for one another & a few good, sweet, memorable dates from our teen years.
NOW HERE I AM. Happily married. Love my husband! Never wanna give him up! - BUT! - I swear... when I think of TOG ("The Other Guy") ... the one that "never really was" - wow, I just WISH we had made a go of it!!! It's not that I want him so bad. It's not that I always thought he was "the one" or anything like that. It's just that I remember him so fondly, was always attracted to him, and always wonder what kind of relationship would we have created together.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WISH I HAD "TOG" INSTEAD OF MY HUSBAND! - no way!!! - I love my husband and I"m so glad we met & our life has worked out the way it did. IT ALSO DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WOULD GO FOR "TOG" RIGHT NOW IF I COULD. Nope, not at all! - It just means that I have incredibly fond memories of a puppy love that never had a chance to grow. AND THAT'S OK.
I believe that things work out the way they do for a reason. We may never know that reason. We don't have to know that reason. We just need to be able to accept things the way they are, without "reading too much into it" when other things pop up along the way.
I hope this helps ease your mind a little.
HOWEVER. (There's always one'a those!) You are obviously suspicious. I always trust my "inner gut" no matter what it is telling me. My heart may lead me astray, my mind may play tricks on me, but MY GUT FEELINGS have NEVER been wrong.
I'd ask him flat out. If he gets all defensive with the whole snooping thing, just say "I apologize for snooping, and we can deal with that issue later. Right now, we're on this subject." Don't let him derail you with the snooping thing. Don't be accusatory. Don't be angry, sad, etc. Just be inquisitive. Tell him how you feel. Let him do the same.
Just remember - sometimes we can carry a "crush" around forever & a day. I do with TOG. It certainly doesn't mean anything to me, just that I remember him fondly & think of him on occasion and I hope he is living a great life & is happy. After all, I AM.
Last edited by Beach Patrol; 07-31-2012 at 01:17 PM.
I have been married to my husband (2nd husband, actually!) over 19 years now. We'll celebrate our 20th next May by renewing our vows. I'm so excited! Can't wait! I'd "I-do" with him again every single day. Our marriage is good, we've had some hard times but we've always managed to get thru them. He's far from perfect, but he's perfect for me.
Why do I say this? Well see... when I was 16, I dated a guy in hi-school. BRIEFLY. He was so SWEET! - and he was just crazy about me. But for one reason or another, we couldn't get the relationship "to go". A few years later, we hooked up again. BRIEFLY, again. I soooo wanted to work things out with him. He had always been crazy about me, and I was pretty crazy for him, too. But again... circumstances... we couldn't get together & stay together.
As the years passed, we ran into each other a few more times. Either he was in a relationship or I was, so we could never "get it together." We have never slept together, we have never done anything more than our teen-age lusting for one another & a few good, sweet, memorable dates from our teen years.
NOW HERE I AM. Happily married. Love my husband! Never wanna give him up! - BUT! - I swear... when I think of TOG ("The Other Guy") ... the one that "never really was" - wow, I just WISH we had made a go of it!!! It's not that I want him so bad. It's not that I always thought he was "the one" or anything like that. It's just that I remember him so fondly, was always attracted to him, and always wonder what kind of relationship would we have created together.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WISH I HAD "TOG" INSTEAD OF MY HUSBAND! - no way!!! - I love my husband and I"m so glad we met & our life has worked out the way it did. IT ALSO DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WOULD GO FOR "TOG" RIGHT NOW IF I COULD. Nope, not at all! - It just means that I have incredibly fond memories of a puppy love that never had a chance to grow. AND THAT'S OK.
I believe that things work out the way they do for a reason. We may never know that reason. We don't have to know that reason. We just need to be able to accept things the way they are, without "reading too much into it" when other things pop up along the way.
I hope this helps ease your mind a little.
HOWEVER. (There's always one'a those!) You are obviously suspicious. I always trust my "inner gut" no matter what it is telling me. My heart may lead me astray, my mind may play tricks on me, but MY GUT FEELINGS have NEVER been wrong.
I'd ask him flat out. If he gets all defensive with the whole snooping thing, just say "I apologize for snooping, and we can deal with that issue later. Right now, we're on this subject." Don't let him derail you with the snooping thing. Don't be accusatory. Don't be angry, sad, etc. Just be inquisitive. Tell him how you feel. Let him do the same.
Just remember - sometimes we can carry a "crush" around forever & a day. I do with TOG. It certainly doesn't mean anything to me, just that I remember him fondly & think of him on occasion and I hope he is living a great life & is happy. After all, I AM.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I really wish I had this to read this yesterday when I was ridiculously upset. It's a very good possibility that what he's feeling is exactly like what you described. One thing I want to ask you though. Something that I, and a lot of others who have responded, are most suspicious about is the idea that he has trouble with her engagement, rather than just being happy for her. Would you feel this way about the guy in your story? Do you think it's normal/ok for him to have any kind of negative emotions about her engagement? Does that necessarily equate to having current romantic feelings? Sorry for all the questions, but your situation seems to be a lot like what he's thinking, at least from what I can gather. I know everyone's different but this might give me some insight.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I really wish I had this to read this yesterday when I was ridiculously upset. It's a very good possibility that what he's feeling is exactly like what you described. One thing I want to ask you though. Something that I, and a lot of others who have responded, are most suspicious about is the idea that he has trouble with her engagement, rather than just being happy for her. Would you feel this way about the guy in your story? Do you think it's normal/ok for him to have any kind of negative emotions about her engagement? Does that necessarily equate to having current romantic feelings? Sorry for all the questions, but your situation seems to be a lot like what he's thinking, at least from what I can gather. I know everyone's different but this might give me some insight.
I understand your misgivings, your fear, your uncertainly. Really I do. So I'll tell you this.
ON OUR WEDDING DAY, Hubby & I didn't have much time for anything but getting married & enjoying our ONE NIGHT together as he was in military & had to leave the next day for 6 weeks of special training! - so, we went out to a dance club that night. Me & Hubby, his two best friends, HIS MOM (LOL, I still giggle about that!) and one of my best friends. When we first entered the club, I went directly over to a table that my friends & I liked to consider "ours" whenever we were there. AND GUESS WHO SHOWED UP????? Yup, "TOG". He came RUSHING over to see me - I didn't see him until I turned around & we were face to face.
Me: "WOW! OMG! - hey! What are you doing here? How are you?!?!?!" (we hugged)
TOG: "I saw you the minute you walked into the room! - how are you? God it's good to see you! Can we dance?"
Me: "Uh, actually? I just kinda got married today..." (I pointed to my husband & showed TOG my ring.)
TOG: "You're kidding! Seriously? Please say you're kidding! I cannot BELIEVE my bad luck!!"
Me: "I know, right? Dammit! I guess it's just never going to happen for us, huh?"
TOG: "Doesn't look like it at this point. (He mockingly frowned) I hope you're happy though. I'm heartbroken, of course! Missed my chance - AGAIN!" (he smiled)
Me: "Oh, I'm VERY happy! He is such a good man - I can't believe my good luck in finding him!... and my BAD LUCK in not marrying you!" (he smiled again)
Then I waved my husband over & introduced them. TOG shook my husband's hand, congratulated him on marrying "the prettiest girl he'd ever known" (awwww!) and kissed me on the cheek, wished us both the best, and I've not seen him or heard from him since.
I don't think your guy is swooning & crying over this chick. I think he just has fond memories and has never forgotten her. That's not a bad thing. My father in law once told me how he still occasionally dreams about "the little red haired girl" who he crushed on in the 6th grade. She always came to the ballfield to watch him play baseball and he always walked her home afterward. They NEVER dated. They each went on to several other relationships and both married other people, had children (& grandchildren!) but when they reconnected for a few brief hours at their 40th high school reunion, they still admitted "butterflies" in their stomach for each other.
IT RARELY MEANS ANYTHING. This is not a soap opera where the characters long & long & long for that "one special person" until they die. That's just romanticized b.s.! Sometimes, it just is what it is. There have been people in his life (& yours) way before you two ever got together. Never disregard memories or try to compete with them. It's pointless, useless, & a waste of time & energy.
But yeah - STILL TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. You owe yourself an honest and open communication.
Honestly, your situation makes me feel a whole lot better about things. Thanks again for your perspective on that. I'm definitely still going to talk with him about it just for my own peace of mind. But I really do think you're right. And I like what you said about competing with memories. I need to write that one on a post-it and stick it somewhere lol
I have a guy like Beach Patrol's. We always reminisce, but it's not like we're going to get together. We had a go back when we were kids, and we both are so fond of each other, but we'll never have a real thing.
If it really bothers you, I'll be the odd one out and say you should just leave and not "confront" him about it. If you really think it's wrong, there is no need to argue - just pack your stuff, let him know why, and go.
When I found out my ex husband was having sex chats with locals, I don't think I ever talked to him about it. I just left when I was ready. Nothing he could say could change conversations I saw.
I am of the school that does not condemn you for snooping. The fact is that there is no smoke without fire and the suspicions that led you to investigate seem, in part, to be well-founded.
If you love someone, truly love them, then there is no way you would ever disrespect them as he has done to you. Intimating to another woman that he would see himself with her (as in could have, would have), suggesting that he is invested enough in her to get upset with her engagement photographs and flirting suggests his commitment is not as wholistic as yours.
Now, there is always some imbalance in relationships and that is fine but his sneakery is what provoked yours. You are both a little wrong footed and perhaps that is what needs to be addressed. Don't you dare feel guilty and don't you beat yourself up about what you have done. He is the one who sneaked and you are the victim of that. You have every right to demand an explanation.
You are afraid if you confront him that he will break up with you but, in fact, you are the one ... unless he offers a sound explanation (and i suspect he won't he will just flannel you about how violated he feels to distract from the real issue ... his cheating sneakery) then it is you who should break up with him. You deserve better than this.
I think i agree with what most are saying- I need to just bite the bullet and tell him what I know. I've thought about it (somewhat logically) over the last day or so, and I know myself. This will always be in the back of my mind unless I get an explanation. I also have a tendency to over analyze everything, so it's very well possible that I misconstrued quite a bit from the chat and that the comments were mostly harmless.
You didn't over analyze or misconstrue anything. He told her he can't stand to look at her engagement photos which tells the whole story. I couldn't stay with a man that's got another woman on his mind to that degree...I don't care what he says, he's busted. He still has major feelings going on. Don't you deserve more??
