If its bothering you, talk about it. If its innocent and he just words things in weird ways then you can work it out. I had a relationship go bad before by not bringing up concerns. If this guy is the one you two will take this to make your relationship stronger but if he's not then the sooner you know the sooner you can move forward with your life. The best advice I was ever given was never be afraid to talk.
If you told a guy friend on Facebook the things HE said to HER, would he be upset at you? Would you feel bad for saying those things to another man? How is your relationship otherwise?
I asked my fiance's input to get a guy's perspective and he said that a guy wouldn't say stuff like that to another woman without hoping for something out of it. I guess you have to ask yourself if not doing anything physically is enough to not constitute as not cheating. Some people are ok with their spouses having cyber sex in SecondLife or online chat rooms, while others consider it cheating. Are you ok with your bf saying romantic things to another woman so long as no physical barrier is crossed?
You snooped because you felt something was wrong, lo and behold something is wrong. He's with you wishing he was with her, if she was single he would be pursuing her even more aggressive. NEXT.
If you told a guy friend on Facebook the things HE said to HER, would he be upset at you? Would you feel bad for saying those things to another man? How is your relationship otherwise?
I asked my fiance's input to get a guy's perspective and he said that a guy wouldn't say stuff like that to another woman without hoping for something out of it. I guess you have to ask yourself if not doing anything physically is enough to not constitute as not cheating. Some people are ok with their spouses having cyber sex in SecondLife or online chat rooms, while others consider it cheating. Are you ok with your bf saying romantic things to another woman so long as no physical barrier is crossed?
That's the thing, I'm completely blindsided by this. I never once felt as though there was a possibility that he would have feelings for someone else. Things were basically perfect until today. I think I can understand the feelings of nostalgia and just innocently wondering what would have happened if he had asked her out back in the day. That line of thinking I can get over. Like I've mentioned before though, it worries me that he said things like "I don't like looking at your wedding pics" or "I don't like hearing you talk about the wedding". I mean, maybe as a passing/fleeting thought...but to actually have a convo about this with her? He even alluded to past convos they've had about "the us that could have been". So this obviously isn't the first time they've talked about it. I mean it was obvious that she had no interest in leaving her fiancee. But I'm not worried about physical cheating. I do think emotional cheating is still cheating...but what actually constitutes emotional cheating? I mean I really don't have proof that he actually has feelings for her. Or do I??
That's the thing, I'm completely blindsided by this. I never once felt as though there was a possibility that he would have feelings for someone else. Things were basically perfect until today. I think I can understand the feelings of nostalgia and just innocently wondering what would have happened if he had asked her out back in the day. That line of thinking I can get over. Like I've mentioned before though, it worries me that he said things like "I don't like looking at your wedding pics" or "I don't like hearing you talk about the wedding". I mean, maybe as a passing/fleeting thought...but to actually have a convo about this with her? He even alluded to past convos they've had about "the us that could have been". So this obviously isn't the first time they've talked about it. I mean it was obvious that she had no interest in leaving her fiancee. But I'm not worried about physical cheating. I do think emotional cheating is still cheating...but what actually constitutes emotional cheating? I mean I really don't have proof that he actually has feelings for her. Or do I??
Honestly, I think it's pretty clear that he has feelings for her. If it was just about "what if", then that could be passed off as innocent. But not being able to look at her pictures, or hear about her wedding says A LOT.
I'm really sorry.
I'm completely blindsided by this. I never once felt as though there was a possibility that he would have feelings for someone else. Things were basically perfect until today.
MedChick! Things were not perfect... While you were having your feelings about the relationship, he was writing this stuff to another woman. Things were not perfect. Please stop thinking that - it's a romantic delusion with which you are hurting yourself. You thought he was 'yours', he's 'crying' over someone else. It's a stinking shame that things can't be as you want them to be here, but them's the facts. Smart women get into this type of thing all the time - but they get out. Others hang and cling and wring their hands and get stepped on left and right.
I know this is difficult for you, but it is energy draining and demoralizing to try to 'fix' this into him being faithful to you, 'cause he's not.
If he would not say or do these things in front of you, then he knows it is wrong.
Obviously he has feelings/attraction for this other girl. Do you want to be
"runner up" in your own relationship?
You need to find out the truth before you go any further with him.
If you don't ask, you will really never know. Better to find out now than later
Good luck.
I would be heartbroken if I read that.. that's not cool. If he seriously was into you and committed to you and only you there would be no "what ifs" no wandering mind, no regrets. The fact that he's dwelling is a huge red flag and then to go and tell the girl that he is makes it even worse. As if he's hoping for her to say something like that back to him..
I'm a big believer that my bf shouldn't have anything to hide. And neither do I. He can look at all my stuff without warning anytime, and vice versa.
I was guilty of snooping a few years back. My bf at the time tried to return earrings to me...that weren't mine. He happened to leave his phone at home one day when he went to work and I snooped. Best thing that I could have done. I was suspicious and he was guilty. I found messages to a girl I had never heard of that talked about her coming over after work and calling him lover. I got piss drunk and confronted him when he got home from work. Not the best strategy, but it was what it was (and I was only 19 at the time). I know your situation is eons different, but it would still make me uncomfortable that my bf was fantasizing about the what ifs and wishing timing was better.
With the internet it is so easy for cheating and the like. If I were in your shoes, I would bring it up. It would eat me alive if I didn't. I'd probably sabotage the relationship unintentionally if I didn't talk it through. If things were great and he's talking to another woman, what do you think will happen when you guys are in a rut (as happens in normal relationships)?
I'm a big believer that my bf shouldn't have anything to hide. And neither do I. He can look at all my stuff without warning anytime, and vice versa.
^^This...
If I were in your position I would be hurt. There is no way I could stay in a relationship with someone who was having "what-if" feelings for someone else. To me that would be a sign that the person had unresolved feelings and I need to back out and let them figure things out. Sorry you found that, I know how much those kinds of things sting. Good luck!
I don't get the whole snooping is bad thing. I don't need privacy from my husband, anything I do is open for him to see and vice versa. If I to log into his email or facebook and look at it, I can. Same with him. I don't have anything to hide.
But about your guy, everyone has "what ifs." I have an ex that passed away, and sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if he hadn't. Sadly in my case it probably would be worse off because it wasn't a healthy relationship, but anyway. I don't wonder what if because I want to be with that guy, it wouldn't hurt me to see him engaged if he was still around. It's ok and normal to have what ifs, it's not normal to be upset that she is marrying someone else. That implies that if she wasn't engaged he would be all over that. So what does that make you to him? A consolation prize? I think you know that you deserve better.
I do not know one friend of mine who does not have someone that they wonder what things would have been like with. I do, and I've even been married and wondered what if still (doesn't make me a bad person). I think it's a natural feeling. If someone was significant in your life, you are going to wonder.
But here's the thing. We don't say it to the person (at least I know I haven't, but he could probably figure it out without me saying a word) It's feelings that we have inside that we may admit to a gal pal, but will never express it to the former love.
Also, are you sure you weren't reading more between lines versus what was actually said verbatim? Sometimes the truth can be misconstrued.
I may be the black sheep here but if I found something like this from snooping, I would snoop more and see if it gets worse. Because the exact same thing happene to me many years ago. I knew my ex's email password (he gave it to me to help him fix his account many months before that), and I just had a feeling one day that he was doing something with a friend of mine. I snooped in his email and found many emails back and forth. It started out as friendly talking, but over a few weeks it moved on to "I wish I'd met you first" stuff. I snooped for a few more week after that was said, and they were openly considering leaving their current relationships to be together (she was engaged.), except he was wanting to not tell me and cheat because he "didn't want to hurt me". This is when I confronted him with it all and left him. And then they got together just a few days later. I was willing to never bring it up if it had stopped eventually, but it got to that point that I knew he would rather be with her and not me, and just felt trapped. So no, I would personally not just let it go - I would keep an eye on things and see where it's heading. just because she's engaged, if she is feeling the same way and he is saying such things to her there is no gaurenetee just because shes engaged that she isn't available.
I don't think snooping is a bad thing. Not if things like this are going on, and you are SURE of what is going on and it's not just jealousy that he's speaking to a girl that's not you. There shouldn't be things to hide in a relationship, and you guy should not be saying things like this to a girl if he is truly committed to you.
my fiance and i have a pretty open book relationship.
like the other ladies have said, if he wants to look at my messages wherever, he can. but we're also an open couple about issues so if (God forbid) i would happen to find something in his facebook messages, i would definitely confront him, and vice-versa.
talk to your boyfriend about it. an explanation from him is definitely justifiable if he's talking to another woman. he may be able to clear some things up that'll make you feel better, or he may unravel more of your suspicions. be prepared for the worst, but go in composed and see what he has to say. you don't have to be vicious or up-front and demanding answers, but you can (and, in my opinion, should) have a talk with him about some of your concerns.
This thread wouldn't be as long as it is if you felt things were really OK. I'd deal with this before he is deployed. You can't "un-ring the bell." You know what you now know. It changes things. The "what if" part is not the big thing. It's his statement that he can't look at the photos of her in her current relationship that are troublesome. If he was just a friend and the "what ifs" were harmless, he could look at her photos with her current guy and be happy for them.
Good luck - but I think you've known all along that you have to see this through.
While you were having your feelings about the relationship, he was writing this stuff to another woman. Things were not perfect. Please stop thinking that - it's a romantic delusion with which you are hurting yourself. You thought he was 'yours', he's 'crying' over someone else. It's a stinking shame that things can't be as you want them to be here, but them's the facts. Smart women get into this type of thing all the time - but they get out. Others hang and cling and wring their hands and get stepped on left and right.
