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Old 07-07-2012, 09:37 PM   #1  
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Warning, long rant ahead. lol Perhaps some of you could help me out with some issues I'm having with my "mother in law"? Well, she is my boyfriend's mother. Bf and I have known each other for about three years, dated for almost one then decided to have an actual relationship and we moved in together; several months now. Things have been going well. One main issue between us though is his mother. She's the type who will do nice things for people, myself included, but I want as little to do with her as possible. She is SO negative about everything and everyone. She will talk badly about her children when they're not around. My bf included. Heck, she even talks badly nonstop about her bf, ranting about how stupid he is. I do not want to be alone around this woman. She tries to pry info from me, attempting to get incriminating evidence about him. (There isn't any, but I'm afraid he's told her white lies or something and she'll find out.) And she'll also go on rants about all his "flaws". She's very nice to my face, but when I'm not around she's said things like calling me a "drug addict" (I'm not an addict, user, etc), I'm not his gf I'm the "girl he has sex with" and "immature". She seems mildly jealous and/or insecure regarding me as well? She says things to my bf such as "I bet you'd do this for HER" and things of that nature. I know I'm not misinterpreting -anything-, because all of her children have ranted about the same things. When she's around I try to be friendly, polite, make small talk but always make excuses not to spend time with her, which is upsetting her. She has even told her son to tell me, "I know I'm a *****, she better just deal with it. That's life." So what am I to do? I try to stay as positive and happy as possible and always make it a point to not allow myself into situations with negative people.
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Old 07-07-2012, 10:20 PM   #2  
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When she's around I try to be friendly, polite, make small talk but always make excuses not to spend time with her, which is upsetting her. She has even told her son to tell me, "I know I'm a *****, she better just deal with it. That's life."
Yup. And you ARE dealing with it by not being around her too much or at all! That is life. Funny how it works both ways, huh?

The limited contact times? Be polite and cool. There. Prob solved on your end.

And if she gets upset over your having a polite but cool, and basically "casual acquaintance type" rship because you don't want to get deeper because of her negativity? Suck it up and be upset. It's your bag to hold, lady. *shrug*

You are doing all you can to be peaceful and not put BF in the middle. You could tell him to suggest to her to find herself a low's chapter in her area if she wants to work on herself. If she doesn't? She has to suck it up that she's choosing to be a downer and nobody wants to hang out with her.

If she's actually mentally ill, it's still not on you to address. It's on her adult children to deal with their blood kin.

You are not obligated -- she's not your mother OR your mother-in-law.

But when she's negative, you could go one step further when she's complaining at you about other people and point it out -- "Oh, that's not kind. Let's not talk about people behind their backs like that. That's mean. "

Like you are talking to a toddler and explaining politeness rules. Be the weather girl. See the DOG? Can you say DOG? See how talking about people behind their backs is not KIND? See how that is MEAN?

If she comes back with the "You are too sensitive" crap, agree! "Yes! I am too sensitive." And keep holding up a mirror when she is unkind and go "Oh, that's not KIND. See how doing ______ is MEAN?" She doesn't want to hear it, stop speaking it out loud around you then. She is in charge of her own uncomfortable. Don't want to be uncomfortable? Don't talk crap. People are going to hold you into account and/or avoid you.

You can also put a limit with BF -- if his mother tells him crap about you, you don't need to hear it. What for? To spread her misery around? You can live fine without it. In fact probably better, so when you DO have to be around her you don't have to know all the old crap and sit and stew. BF can manage to spare you that.

And if her negativity is not something you want to deal with for life... and BF is going to have her around in his orbit, you can choose to check out. You are not married to him or obligated to put up with more than you feel ok with.

My father tends toward this type doomy gloomy and it's because he's bipolar and depressed. He got a lot out of learning better coping skills at his low's chapter so... if she's willing, yay for all. If she's not?

Leave her to her sad self. Just be scarce and the rest of the time cool polite.

She's got blood children to tend to her health and well being. You aren't even an in-law so don't be getting sucked into family drama.

Maintain your ground, your sanity, your limits, and your peacefulness.

A.

Last edited by astrophe; 07-07-2012 at 10:35 PM.
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Old 07-08-2012, 02:05 AM   #3  
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She's a miserable person, nothing for you to do but stay away. People probably go out of their way to avoid conflict with her and that makes her feel powerful and in control. I wouldn't doubt that she prides herself on being a witch. Your attempts at being nice won't change the dynamics of your relationship with her - she's already determinded in her mind that she's entitled to talk about you and treat you however she wants. Don't extend her any extra courteousy. Don't be rude, but don't stick around for more than 'hi nice to see you' and 'see you later, take care'. Avoid talking negatively about her to your bf. No matter what she's going to be a nightmare, take the high road and don't show weakness.
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Old 07-08-2012, 02:25 AM   #4  
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My boyfriend and I also live together. Your MIL sounds just like my MIL. I am convinced that my MIL hates me for taking her one and only son away from her. My solution? I go above and beyond for her. I am nicer than I need to be every chance I get. She might be a Negative Nancy, but I make sure she won't have anything bad to say about me unless it's something that she made up on her own! Don't let her get to you!! You're better than that!! And remember, He who angers you, controls you.

Good luck!
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:05 PM   #5  
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When she's around I try to be friendly, polite, make small talk but always make excuses not to spend time with her, which is upsetting her
I think this is really all you can do. If you don't want to be around her, you don't have to be - even if some day she does become your mother in law.
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