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When she's around I try to be friendly, polite, make small talk but always make excuses not to spend time with her, which is upsetting her. She has even told her son to tell me, "I know I'm a *****, she better just deal with it. That's life."
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Yup. And you ARE dealing with it by not being around her too much or at all! That is life. Funny how it works both ways, huh?
The limited contact times? Be polite and cool. There. Prob solved on your end.
And if she gets upset over your having a polite but cool, and basically "casual acquaintance type" rship because you don't want to get deeper because of her negativity? Suck it up and be upset. It's your bag to hold, lady. *shrug*
You are doing all you can to be peaceful and not put BF in the middle. You could tell him to suggest to her to find herself a
low's chapter in her area if she wants to work on herself. If she doesn't? She has to suck it up that she's choosing to be a downer and nobody wants to hang out with her.
If she's actually mentally ill, it's still not on you to address. It's on her adult children to deal with their blood kin.
You are not obligated -- she's not your mother OR your mother-in-law.
But when she's negative, you could go one step further when she's complaining at you about other people and point it out -- "Oh, that's not kind. Let's not talk about people behind their backs like that. That's mean. "
Like you are talking to a toddler and explaining politeness rules. Be the weather girl. See the DOG? Can you say DOG? See how talking about people behind their backs is not KIND? See how that is MEAN?
If she comes back with the "You are too sensitive" crap, agree! "Yes! I am too sensitive." And keep holding up a mirror when she is unkind and go "Oh, that's not KIND. See how doing ______ is MEAN?" She doesn't want to hear it, stop speaking it out loud around you then. She is in charge of her own uncomfortable. Don't want to be uncomfortable? Don't talk crap. People are going to hold you into account and/or avoid you.
You can also put a limit with BF -- if his mother tells him crap about you, you don't need to hear it. What for? To spread her misery around? You can live fine without it. In fact probably better, so when you DO have to be around her you don't have to know all the old crap and sit and stew. BF can manage to spare you that.
And if her negativity is not something you want to deal with for life... and BF is going to have her around in his orbit, you can choose to check out. You are not married to him or obligated to put up with more than you feel ok with.
My father tends toward this type doomy gloomy and it's because he's bipolar and depressed. He got a lot out of learning better coping skills at his low's chapter so... if she's willing, yay for all. If she's not?
Leave her to her sad self. Just be scarce and the rest of the time cool polite.
She's got blood children to tend to her health and well being. You aren't even an in-law so don't be getting sucked into family drama.
Maintain your ground, your sanity, your limits, and your peacefulness.
A.