I don't have children, but my masters degree is in developmental psychology and I was raised in a multi-generational home and lived at home as an adult, while getting my master's degree and for a few years after. My sisters are 14 and 16 years younger than I, so I did a lot of pseudo-parenting of my sisters. I had to enforce my parents rules, even when I disagreed with them based on what I was being taught.
As a child, I was the classic "good girl." So much that as a college freshman I called my folks asking for money. When they asked why, I blurted out the truth (mostly because I hadn't thought to prepare a plausible excuse) that I had gone to my first (to their knowledge) underage drinking party.
Their response was to LAUGH (I was relieved and then offended). They told me they'd send the money, but warned me that it wouldn't happen again.
I'm not holding this up as model parenting (especially as I was technically an adult). My parents were close monitors, but they cut me a lot more slack than my brother. For example, I didn't really have a curfew as a teen, mostly because I was ALWAYS home earlier than I asked to stay out.
Even as the "goody two shoes" child, I broke a lot more of my parents' rules than they knew about. I just did so before 10pm.
Even smart, good kids break and bend their parents rule. Really smart children don't get caught very often, unless their parents are smarter (and know where to look).
Because it's a kid's "job" to test and push limits, parents have to create tighter limits to allows for a little healthy rule breaking (which still is punished). If you don't want your children to swear, you can't just ban swearing. They'll just avoid swearing in your presence. The line has to be drawn earlier.
I'm not saying parents need to be rigidly strict, they just need to be aware that children will and need to experiment with rule breaking. If you don't want your daughter to wear make-up until she's 14 or 15, you may want to tell her she's not allowed to wear make-up until 15 or 16.
Children always think they are more mature and responsible than parents and other adults give them credit for. They're going to think they're ready for things that they are not, and they're going to try to prove to themselves that they ARE.
They're also going to try hide their rule breaking, not only to avoid punishment and tighter restriction, but also because they know their parents will see rule violation as a sign of immaturity.
Even as a model teenager, I thought I was smarter and wiser than my parents. Most of my rule breaking really was very minor, but I thought I was getting a lot more past my parents than I actually was - they were a lot smarter than they let on). I knew my mother snooped, so I hid my journals, but I didn't hide them well enough, apparently.
I was maybe 15 or 16, when I was trying to throttle my younger brother for stealing and reading my journal, that my mother said there was nothing in it worth hiding. (Talk about humiliation - not only has Mom been reading my diary, she's found nothing scandalous, shocking, disturbing..... in other words, the least bit interesting).
I think the illusion of privacy is important. I felt very honored that my parents trusted me. We always knew they reserved the right to snoop and pry, but even when they did, they always let us think that they weren't watching quite as closely as they actually were.
I was 4 or 5 when my parents allowed my brother to cross the street "by ourselves" to go to Grandma's house (half a block away). I felt so grown up, in charge of my baby brother. I didn't realize until I was an adult that Mom could watch our every step, all the way to Grandma's porch.
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