Teenagers aren't allowed to see "bad words" or nudity? Is everyone living in the 1960s? Whenever I'm on tumblr, facebook, etc the nudity is usually paintings, and the swearing are quotes from famous books. There are gifs of sexual things, every once in awhile. But so what? What's going to happen to your child if they so happen to scroll past a gif of someone having sex? Are they suddenly going to be corrupt individuals who seek out illegal/inappropriate activities? If anyone thinks that's the case, it's absolutely ridiculous. I'd be concerned if the person was reblogging inappropriate/illegal things, since that shows they have an interest in it. I guarantee you, your child (starting around 12 these days) has friends who are engaging in sex and drugs. I'm not saying, let your kid do what he or she wants, but shielding the person from anything that is remotely "controversial" is detrimental and pretty silly if it's something they probably see on a daily basis at their school. But to answer the OP's question, go ahead and read everything, but be honest with your child about what you're doing.
You know some of us parents weren't born in the stone age, right? I was born in 1984. ****, even *I* had cable-speed internet in elementary school (). That doesn't change one's perspective on being the adult and deciding the rules in the house.
If a kid doesn't like what their parent shields, then they are more than welcome to move out and buy their own computer at age 18. Until then, parents can do what they see fit, whether you think it's silly 'shielding' or not.
Fortunately this issue doesn't exist for me yet, my oldest is 2, but I'll be darned to hear someone say "So what?" about a parent being upset their child is exposed to what they deem to be inappropriate material online. If they are only allowed to watch Jonah & the veggies, or Saw IV, who cares, that is THEIR decision to make.
When I was twelve I was using the internet entirely independently. My little sister is twelve and she has her own tumblr (as do I). In my little sister's case, she uses it to post her artwork because she's actually very good, but I think blogging is a great thing for any child to do!
It's obviously going to be the minority opinion, but I promise that your child is entirely fine without your supervision and I think you should let her be. There's really no harm in a little bad language/whatever, and if you try to shelter her/become over protective she'll only rebel.
Then again, judging from your post I would say you're a lot more conservative than myself! Anyway, you seem to have already made a decision, but I would suggest that you let her be/don't monitor her but also make sure she knows what your expectations are as far as behavior.
The world has changed a lot since my children were teens. They are 31 and almost 29, 25 and almost 22 now.
We did have a family computer their high-school/college years. The computer was in the living area of the home for all 4 kids to use.
None of them had cell phones until they went away to college. I know plans are much more affordable now and I have no problem with older children, I'll say 8th and up having one. Seriously I don't see a need for internet access but I'm sure that may be the norm now.
I can tell you this though when it comes to privacy for my children...
My wife/s and I made it quite clear from the beginning that the rooms they sleep in are our rooms...we allow them to use them. I have the right to enter that room at any time when they are not home and look for whatever I wish. If you have something you want to hide you better not hide it here!
We were very respectful to our children but my job is to raise them not be their buddy. Step-d can tell you about the time I took the door off her bedroom for almost a year...she was not a happy camper then but she thanks me today for keeping an eye on her.
Plenty of parents have trusted their kids right into jail....
Sometimes good parents raise bad children and sometimes bad parents raise good children...
Sorry if somebody already brought this up and I missed it, but in addition to naughty words and pictures, there are also a lot of scams, malicious sites, and potentially dangerous people on the Internet. If you're going to let your child use it without your direct supervision, it would be in your (and her) best interest to try to teach her how to evaluate sites for credibility and safety, avoid scams, avoid posting information about herself or others that may be harmful or embarrassing later on, and avoid becoming involved with dangerous people (like sexual predators that have been known to try to prey on teens on social networking sites).
I'm not a parent, and I was a "good" kid who used the Internet without direct supervision from elementary school on, but I think it would have been appropriate, safer, and certainly not harmful for me to have had my net use more supervised or directed when I was a child and young adolescent. There's a lot of good stuff on it, but there's also a lot of dangerous and nasty stuff (and just plain garbage) that no middle schooler (or adult) needs to be exposed to. Just like in real life, kids don't always recognize or appreciate the potential dangers they're opening themselves to on the Internet. They need parents to teach them and set boundaries.
I think that you should be monitoring and setting boundaries on her cell phone and Internet activities, and you should be honest and candid about what you're doing and why. You're the parent, the one with education and common sense, and the one who's paying the bills. She's not even old enough to legally use a lot of websites. If she's doing things that aren't in her/your best interests or that just aren't acceptable to you, do something about it. She won't be happy, but she will know you're still the one in charge and that you're being up-front with her on the subject (and that, you know, you care about her), she'll know that you know what she's doing (which can be a wonderful deterrent), and (depending on how it goes) it may help keep the lines of communication between you and her open farther down the road. And, like other posters have said, Internet access and a cell phone are privileges, not rights. If she can't handle those privileges, maybe they need to go away or be restricted for a while.
However, if she continues to try to create Internet accounts you don't know about and you don't want to revoke her Internet privileges or don't feel that a confrontation on that subject is a battle you want to fight right now, I think you should continue monitoring the accounts so you know what's going on with her. Her "right" to privacy isn't real and isn't nearly as important as her well-being and safety.
Whatever you decide to do, don't give up trying to actively raise her and keep the lines of communication open, and instead just hope everything turns out okay. I had acquaintances in high school who had parents who just seemed to quit trying and didn't communicate with their kids well, and many of those people got very heavily into drugs, became single parents without planning to, flunked out of college and ended up in dead-end jobs, etc., etc., etc. These kids were raised in middle class, sometimes very religious, households by parents who looked pretty good on paper. Those kids just didn't have enough guidance and didn't have anybody draw the bright lines and hard boundaries they needed (or all they ever got was boundaries without real communication and compassion), and I think a lot of them have had a more difficult and more dangerous adolescence and early adulthood because of it. Even though my parents have a fairly gentle and low-key parenting style and didn't set hard guidelines for my Internet use, they did keep an eye on what I was looking at (although I didn't know that for much of my adolescence), they had pretty clear expectations in other areas, they were very involved in my life and did a good job of keeping the lines of communication open throughout my adolescence, and there were consequences when they caught me acting like a jackass (including being grounded for cursing on a message board when I was about 13 ). Don't let these technologies become the point of a wedge that comes between you and your daughter. Best of luck.
My oldest daughter is 8 and lives with her biodad and stepmom, so what she does there I have no control over. But when she's with me and my husband she isn't allowed on the computer unless one of us is with her. Honestly she'd rather play outside or watch cartoons than be online.
My youngest daughter is 4. She's fascinated by the computer but just because she likes to push the buttons on the keyboard.
Neither my husband nor I have a Facebook account and I've never even heard of tumblr until reading this thread. I do have a Twitter account but rarely use it. I post links to my blog and talk about my weight loss on there and that's it. My girls are not going to be allowed to use social media either. There's just no need for it. I survived without Facebook and so will my family.
My kids had a shared desktop computer in the family room. It had a pretty big screen so I could see it clearly from my desk in the next room. Before they could use it we discussed what was/wasn't appropriate usage, consequences for misuse, etc. I had passwords for email accounts and the computer was not allowed to be password protected. They got laptops at HS graduation and were allowed more privacy, but still with the understanding that they will be held accountable. I have facebook passwords and and am friends with them and many of thier friends. If they choose to try to hide something, I can usually see it once a friend comments on it.
My kids were a little older when cellphones became this common and each got one when they started driving. The same rules applied. My phone, my rules. And a phone WHILE driving was an immediate loss of BOTH privleges with no further discussion.
They are now 21 and 18 and we've had very few instances where I think anything crossed a line. There is also a full-blown understanding that I do not make idle threats so infractions WILL be enforced. (D18 missed curfew over the weekend and is looking forward to getting her car keys and phone returned!)
Bottom line, you know your child(ren). Set a good example, keep communication open and be sure your expectations are clear and consistent. The rest will fall into place.
I work with troubled teens. It might be interesting to note that most of my employees are strict about monitoring young teens computer and internet activity. I don't think that I have ever (in almost 20 years) seen an instance where rebellion is a reaction to loving parenting - no matter how strict. I believe that kids almost always appreciate appropriately strict, involved and loving parents. IMHO, 12 is much too young to have unsupervised and unfettered access to social networking .....
I'm not a parent and I would like to thank those parents who take the time and trouble to monitor their children's internet use. I don't have too much of a problem hearing teenagers curse or even if they get to see photos of naked people but I'd rather not share the the streets I have to walk with immature, young people who have unrestricted access to images of sexual violence.
Young children's use of internet/phone needs to be monitored from time to time but along the way there should be a lot of communication about what should and shouldn't be shared online and via phone.
Older teens are another story. As they mature they want, and should have, some privacy but if they have been raised to be cautious on the internet/phone then a parent can step back some.
Monitoring is necessary, in my opinion, and I think most people have enough common sense to realize when their children begin to need more privacy. 12/13 years old is absolutely too young to not be monitored completely. In my experience with family members and my own students, most large fights in schools now and bullying situations begin online. Two of my students got into a fist fight in the hallway this year because one girl posted something about another girl on her Facebook. This situation is even worse among middle school students who are going through some pretty rough social changes in life that begin to even out as they get into adolescence.
As far as sheltering children, I am a little unsure how I feel. As an English teacher, you are usually walking on a pretty thin line, as most good literature in this world is controversial. I'm panicking in my brain already again about reading Of Mice and Men in class, even though it is one of the few novels I have taught that all students (even my boys that HATE to read) enjoy. I hear worse language in the hallway with no artistic reasoning, but I am always wary. I always send a note home to parents with a choice for their child to read another selection, just in case, and I've not had any takers so far. Still, it's such a hard line, but I feel like showing children the scope of human life cannot be a bad thing. Why are all the men in that book such ramblers and swearers, anyway?
Anyway, to me, the world is controversial and not always nice, and I don't feel that I would be doing my own children any favors by sheltering them too much from the world. I think that at a certain age, kids can become grown-ups about swear words and grown up issues. I feel like I want to instill values in my future children, but I do not want to create some world for them that is not reality. I do think the Internet is full of non-reality, however. As others have said, there is plenty out there, especially with porn, that is violent and unrealistic. I have seen how seeing some of this has affected some of my students. I actually had several students making jokes about Maya Angelou's childhood rape (talk about not one of my most cool and collected moments as a teacher), and I know they often showed each other very racist or violent jokes on their phones. Mass genocide, rape, hate crimes... everything was funny. They were desensitized to these things, and that really made me worried about the future generation.
But generally, I just see technology as a massive time waster for most kids. Like, I hear some students talking about staying up until five in the morning to play a video game on a school night. Really? In my future home, I feel like just limiting the amount of technology my child can even get at would be my first line of defense. I want a technology proficient child, but I do not want a plugged in zombie.
We are a gamer household and internet savvy. I maintain strict oversight. I am an older mom with younger children.
My daughter recently got a simple phone (calls and text only, no ability to send or receive pics or access the internet) and I explain to her that her texts are basically my texts and to act accordingly. I only very occasionally scan through her texts. She is not permitted to have the phone unless she goes somewhere such as a slumber party or over to a friends house to play, or if she asks me for special permission to use it while at home. She is 11, and it's non-negotiable, and this was part of the agreement for her to be able to have a phone in the first place.
I am repeatedly shocked that other parents are completely unaware of how many different ways children can communicate with complete strangers while on their many different gaming systems and devices! Because we are gamers the main concern is that I know (because I am one) that video games are majority adults playing. Many of the other moms I know let their young boys play games and use voice chat with abandon - they are pretty surprised to learn that games are primarily played by adults. They can't even envision that it's mostly adults that play. Even typed game chat is incredibly vulgar. Most games have game chat, individual messaging, and some have ways to voice chat. I wouldn't let my 8 year old son hang out with a houseful of adult males I do not know so I def do not allow him to play online games with strangers. Note: he is 8, and not midteens, I just want to clarify that
Another example - my daughters 3DS has enough range that she can chat on that to all her little friends that live next door and across the street! Not that she would say or do anything untoward, but it's my responsibility to ensure she get sleep at night and not secretly stay up being silly all night, lol, so we put it on charge at night not in her room.
Other things I have counseled them on is picking account names that do not identify age, gender, their real name, or where they live.
I was pretty disappointed to learn that last year my daughter's elementary school gave the 5th grade students their own school email address -.- without notifying the parents. I live in a somewhat rural area and not the most tech forward community. They probably thought it would be "rad" for the kids to have their own email addy. My daughter had sent a few innocuous emails back and forth to her friends before I found out she even had her own email. I would prefer there not be a way for anyone send my daughter a picture attachment or vice versa without my knowledge, for example, at her age. It's important for parents to have the email password for a then 10 year old girl.
They are both allowed on the internet on sites I've already okayed.
Both of my children are fully aware that these rules are for their protection from internet predators, to protect them from bullying, and also just in general that world is too mature and vulgar for their ages at the moment. I would also like to delay my daughter's foray into any social networking as long as possible to minimize any "oversharing" incidents and tween/early teen drama!
All this comes from a place of love, and annoyed or not, they absolutely know this. Erm, I have a nickname from them and it's Freddy's Mom... if you have ever watched iCarly, you know what I'm talking about. I might be a *tad* overprotective ;P
Hi! I don't have children myself, but I'd like to offer a point of view from the other side of the fence. I'm only 20, so when I was 12 mobile phones were already commonplace, and I had my own computer. My mother always tried not to let on that she read my texts and checked what websites I was using. I knew she did it though, because when she found something that she didn't like, she was always very up front about it - though it was MSN Messenger those days, not Facebook! She'd just come right out and say "I found this, and I don't think it's appropriate for someone of your age - here's why, please change it". Of course at the time, it irked me that she had dared to invade my privacy, but I didn't hate her for it! Now, I know that she was just doing it because she cared, and I was probably a lot better off for it. When I hear stories of children and teens being groomed online it certainly makes me grateful that my mother kept such a watchful eye on me.
I think you should speak to your daughter in an adult way about how you don't quite think that certain websites are appropriate for her age. Maybe suggest a compromise - can she keep her tumblr account, as long as she gives you the link to her site so you can monitor it? I am not one to be giving parenting advice since I have no children of my own, but I know that at your daughter's age I appreciated my parents trying to treat my like a 'grown-up' while they explained why I was too young for some things In the future I'm sure she'll thank you for it! Good luck!
Quote:
Originally Posted by kurisitaru
I have to agree with pretty much everyone, monitoring is a GOOD thing.
There are countless children on social networks that deal with perverts, cyber bullying, and a lot get hurt. (Suicide).
I grew up without these things and life is FINE. I still don't have a facebook because all I ever see is drama, no thank you.
I think if you explain to your kid why you do what you do and even show them real life examples, they should respect you for it. The internet is huge and it's easy to find free porn, horrible content etc... which is why you should be actively involved. One to protect them, and also to explain to them about certain things.
My parents monitored a lot of things but always told me why and explained things to me clearly. IT made it very easy the first time I discovered an HBO soft core porn to ask my mother about the video rather than hiding I had seen it. She didn't get mad, just explained sex and also explained not only the dangers (stds, pregnancy) but the emotional intensity behind it. I think it helped keep me on the straight and narrow being open with my parents and them being open with me. (Also that talk still has me question every boyfriend about std's and I don't sleep around because some of the things that were true my mother told me. I remember that talk...)
I think it's respectful to tell them you want to monitor, and I think it's perfectly fine, almost necessary, to monitor. IF you do see something that shouldn't be there, then explain why it's innapropriate and do it in a nice easy manner. If you keep an open relationship and are easy to approach, your kid might just ask you about things they find instead of "experimenting" themselves. I was never scared to ask my parents anything, I knew they wouldn't get mad, but be completely honest with me. I usually asked before I did anything dumb too, just because with them it was easier to ask and get denied, then it was to do and get caught. Especially because they ALWAYS told me a reason why I couldn't do something.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TooWicky
We are a gamer household and internet savvy. I maintain strict oversight. I am an older mom with younger children.
My daughter recently got a simple phone (calls and text only, no ability to send or receive pics or access the internet) and I explain to her that her texts are basically my texts and to act accordingly. I only very occasionally scan through her texts. She is not permitted to have the phone unless she goes somewhere such as a slumber party or over to a friends house to play, or if she asks me for special permission to use it while at home. She is 11, and it's non-negotiable, and this was part of the agreement for her to be able to have a phone in the first place.
I am repeatedly shocked that other parents are completely unaware of how many different ways children can communicate with complete strangers while on their many different gaming systems and devices! Because we are gamers the main concern is that I know (because I am one) that video games are majority adults playing. Many of the other moms I know let their young boys play games and use voice chat with abandon - they are pretty surprised to learn that games are primarily played by adults. They can't even envision that it's mostly adults that play. Even typed game chat is incredibly vulgar. Most games have game chat, individual messaging, and some have ways to voice chat. I wouldn't let my 8 year old son hang out with a houseful of adult males I do not know so I def do not allow him to play online games with strangers. Note: he is 8, and not midteens, I just want to clarify that
Another example - my daughters 3DS has enough range that she can chat on that to all her little friends that live next door and across the street! Not that she would say or do anything untoward, but it's my responsibility to ensure she get sleep at night and not secretly stay up being silly all night, lol, so we put it on charge at night not in her room.
Other things I have counseled them on is picking account names that do not identify age, gender, their real name, or where they live.
I was pretty disappointed to learn that last year my daughter's elementary school gave the 5th grade students their own school email address -.- without notifying the parents. I live in a somewhat rural area and not the most tech forward community. They probably thought it would be "rad" for the kids to have their own email addy. My daughter had sent a few innocuous emails back and forth to her friends before I found out she even had her own email. I would prefer there not be a way for anyone send my daughter a picture attachment or vice versa without my knowledge, for example, at her age. It's important for parents to have the email password for a then 10 year old girl.
They are both allowed on the internet on sites I've already okayed.
Both of my children are fully aware that these rules are for their protection from internet predators, to protect them from bullying, and also just in general that world is too mature and vulgar for their ages at the moment. I would also like to delay my daughter's foray into any social networking as long as possible to minimize any "oversharing" incidents and tween/early teen drama!
All this comes from a place of love, and annoyed or not, they absolutely know this. Erm, I have a nickname from them and it's Freddy's Mom... if you have ever watched iCarly, you know what I'm talking about. I might be a *tad* overprotective ;P
I don't have kids, grew up in the age of the rotary telephone and floppy disks so I have no idea of what it would be like to grow up in this day and age.
What I do know is that I agree with the posts quoted above, and just because I don't have kids does not mean my opinion doesn't count here.
The worst thing my parents ever did raising me was NOT TALK TO ME. Or just say no, shut me down without talking to me about it. I remember once I got a hold of Judy Blume's book, Forever. For those of you who don't know, it's about two teenagers who fall in love and have sex for the first time. I barely got into the book when my mom found it and took it away. Put it on top of the fridge. No discussion.
I remember looking at it on top of the fridge just wanting to talk about it. I was a voracious reader so it wasn't a problem for me to just move on to another book, but why was this one so taboo?
The point is, you can shield all you want, invade privacy, tell them not to swear, etc. But if you're not talking to your kids about WHY, you've only done half your job.
Like the poster said above, they weren't scared to ask their parents anything because they knew they would get an honest answer and their parents wouldn't get mad at them. I won't ever have kids, but if I did, that's EXACTLY how I would want my kids to look at me. I will always be honest with them and I will talk about anything.
On a different note, regarding the Facebook thing, a friend of mine with teenagers said they could open a Facebook account, but they HAD to be friends with her (the mother) and if she saw anything inappropriate she would shut it down.
). That doesn't change one's perspective on being the adult and deciding the rules in the house. 
). Don't let these technologies become the point of a wedge that comes between you and your daughter. Best of luck.
