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Guess I was hoping for some insight on keeping up a decent sex life after having kids and being together for years.
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I gave it some more thought. Do you ever share fantasies? Now of course fantasies don't have to become realities and some are best left there. In safe fantasy space of your head. But fantasy gives you a clue to what turns you on. It's fodder for "Hey, let's pretend!" and whatever the fantasy is that he has or you have you want to play with you can work it so it's pretend.
What if it's a fantasy of a threesome? I'm not saying to run out to have a threesome if that's not one your want to bring to reality. But how about a game of let's pretend? Have sex...Talk to each other like the person is there. John Doe or Jane Doe or whoever. Makes for hot talk!
Talk to DH and share your fantasies with each other -- that's emotional intimacy. Maybe just the sharing is enough hotness. "Really! You think that?! WOW! That's so cool to have for a fantasy!" "Really! I have that one TOO!"
Most of our longer hijinks happen on weekends. The demands of kids and work and all... well, being "weekend warriors" shouldn't be anything surprising to the parent set! It's just that stage of life. It will pass, the kids grow up and you have the whole house alone again -- that's a new stage. So just roll with the stage you are at.
Now certainly getting kids to bed early helps. So does not expecting long things on a "school night" or taking it out to orgasm (O isn't even a GOAL of sex -- the goal is bonding. If O happens, it's just the cherry on top.)
Calling it long extended foreplay over several days... maybe rethinking it like THAT could help as you reconnect? Less pressure, esp as a nursing mother.
Baby is so young -- 6 mos ish if born at the end of 2011. Still so demanding in the baby place -- not even toddler yet. Maybe your body is healed but your mind and heart are fragile and need topping up? How's your spirit? Talk about this with him. How are his mind, heart, body, soul buckets as a new father again?
Maybe you want to explore your new post-pregnancy 2nd baby body? Maybe he wants to taste your milk again/if it was missed the first time. Maybe you do.
I remember DH bathing me -- I had an emergency C-sect birth -- and having him do some of my grooming needs was actually a nice turn on for sexy play because I was forbidden to have penetrative sex for however many weeks it was til the staples were out and all that. We have ALWAYS showered together -- and continued that after kids because it's like one of the few times we can talk ALONE and enjoying the sight of my lover's body is another way to stay close. Scrub my back I'll scrub yours.
But in this post-partum place I couldn't... he just bathed himself and bathed me and I felt so....cherished in a new light. It's still a great memory of that time.
It was also new again to be all "Aw, man! Doc says everything BUT. Fine. Let's roll with it then and really DO everything but! Wheee!" and that made it fun in that stage.
There was a lot of pretending to be naughty teens afterschool or a visit to the doctor's office that was just THIS side of inappropriate or whatever. I don't really remember. The point was, rather than grump about what was off limits, we embrace and hunted down EVERYTHING that was. The only limit was our pervy imagination! Yay!
This was years ago but I do remember the emotional reconnect too at that time of life "I love you, and I feel the closest I've ever been to you but I am so dang TIRED with a newborn!" and it was the mutual reassure, reaffirm love, and just rolling with THAT then.
"Mmm... I am so tired! But I'm going to have sex with you anyway. I'm just going to put naughty things in your ears then while I hold your hand in bed because I'm too dang tired for anything else. But this ear sex? I'm going to make the top of your head burst into flames. Your eyes will bug out. Your toes will curl. You will squirm in LUST over there you hot sexy thing you... You just WAIT til I'm more rested. You are SO gonna be in trouble. You better be GLAD I'm tired. Gimme that ear... gggrrrrr.... come here... I'm going to tell you exactly why you should just get on your knees and thank the stars above that I'm too tired to chase you around because if I COULD? I would..."
Sexy notes in pockets, email, phone messages. Whispers in ears in the night -- make it up!
I negotiate with my friends for kid swaps so they can have couple time alone and go have a date and then we get out turn alone. So yeah, there's the "arrange for babysitter" thing sometimes that doesn't even factor if you were just an adult couple.
But if you baby is newborn... shoot, just carry on! Baby won't ever know what's going on in your bed under the covers from the bassinet or whatever. Use a baby monitor. Or just... stolen kisses and intimate moments behind a door.
Like I said -- the actual details of what turns you and your partner on? What activities or techniques you want to learn or explore? That's all up you YOU guys. Your hijinkery flavors are your own.
But having and maintaining a decent sex life? I think opening up your definition of "sex" to include the full spectrum would help some. Some people think sex only "counts" if it is "Penis in vagina" sex. And that's just sad to me. There's a whole range of sexual experiences to share with you partner and if you make it all about that and all about O and that's what counts as "Decent sex" then of course you might come to feel like it isn't decent at all if that's not happening.
Where taking the attitude of "Alright. Here's our current stage of life. Here's what on the table, what is possible right now, what could become possible, let's imagine and explore and wheeeee! Enjoy it all!"
That's much more satisfying.
My father is elder, and my mom confessed to me that he's being all sad and gloomy because of erectile dysfuntion at his age. I told her that's just sad. If Dad's def. of sex it so limited -- to PIV sex -- then of course he's sad about this age and stage of life. He feels used up, inadequate, disconnected from his lover, etc.
I asked DH how he'd feel to hit elder land and what if HE had ED probs at senior age. My DH shrugged and said "What do I care? My tongue and fingers still work. There's toys. There's still plenty of sex I could do so why get all bent out of shape over hitting senior land and finding some ED? That's stupid. Go to the doc about the ED stuff and see and in the meanwhile... keep on having the other kinds of sex then! Jeez!"
So now that you are at new baby place -- well.... have the other kinds of sex! That your new postpartum body will allow as you heal from the birth, and that your daily schedule with a new baby will allow.
There's a saying I love in spanish -- "cada epoca tiene su encanto."
Roughly -- "every epoch (or stage) has it's enchantments (or charms.) "
Enjoy the parenthood stage.
And enjoy the sex!
A.
