I've been dating around a bit lately, and there's one guy who I've seen a number of times that I sort of like. I'm not entirely sure about how he feels about me, but that's not the issue. My question is, is there some point in the dating process when I should bring up my weightloss journey? I feel sort of obligated to tell him that I used to weigh 50lbs more. It's like...I almost feel deceptive, not telling him about it. Does that make any sense? What do you guys think I should do? Is this something that he should know up front, before this goes any further?
Last edited by MusicalAstronaut; 06-11-2012 at 11:47 PM.
Would you care if he used to weight fifty or even one hundred pounds more? Probably not. I don't think you should hide it, but don't go out of your way to "confess" as if it's some sin or deep hidden shame.
Bringing up dieting and weight loss is just awkward unless you know a person VERY well. You put them on the spot because you can bet any guy (or girl) worth a darn is mentally scrambling to figure out exactly how you want them to respond.
Congratulations on your weight loss and good luck with your relationship.
My husband used to weight 60 lbs more than he did when I met him. I honestly didn't care at all! I see no reason to feel deceptive by not telling him. Someone who genuinely cares about you won't run off if they find out that you used to weigh more. I think it will naturally come up as a topic as you get to know one another better. By that time he's either into you or not, and if he is weirded out by knowing you used to weigh more, maybe you should re-evaluate.
Last edited by Chartreuse; 06-11-2012 at 10:50 PM.
I view myself as something other than fat or thin, some other category. Some people say "formerly obese" or have other terms. We're different and there just isn't a term for it yet as far as I'm concerned. Because of that I don't have an issue bringing it up if the conversation goes that way—just as if I wouldn't hide my occupation or my education level. If someone brings up fitness. healthy eating, or weight loss I have no qualms speaking about the fact that I was over 85lbs heavier than I am now.
You aren't obligated to disclose this info of course, but it'll come out if you get serious with a guy. A family member could easily mention it, or he'll see a picture and put two and two together. Best he hear it from you then find out from a third party so you can control the flow of information.
I've been dating a guy for 8 months and have been relatively close to the same weight the entire time we've been dating. I previously had lost 50 lbs before I met him. So far, I haven't actively shared the info, but I wouldn't lie about it or purposefully hide it. I also have facebook pictures that obviously show that I am smaller now than I used to be, and I assume he's seen them. If he ever asks me about it, I'll tell him the truth.
I would think most people wouldn't care about how you were in the past. It's the past. It's how you got to who you are today, but you're not that person anymore. Like others have said, if my bf confessed that he had been 50 or even 100 pounds heavier and lost the weight, I wouldn't care at all. I would think only extremely shallow people would blink an eye at such a thing.
I think when or if you bring it up, really depends on the situation. On one hand, you're not obligated to "disclose" such information, but in some situations it can make things easier.
For example, when I decided to place a personal ad (the ad in which I met my husband) I fully disclosed that I was dieting, and my current weight as well as the weight range I had experienced - and (half) joked that I wanted someone who was on a similar journey, or someone who could be sympathetic to it, and could accept me at any size I ended up.
It did rule out the guys who only wanted a super-fit woman, and those who only wanted a super-fat woman (but better before meeting than after, I figured).
I ended up meeting a few guys interesting enough to talk to, a couple interesting enough to see for a first date, and one interesting enough to see for a second date (and that guy is now my hubby of nearly 10 years).
I think you have to decide for yourself when to share and what to share (but that's true of just about every life experience you have).
I don't think you have anything to hide. That being said, I think its very easy to potentially scare of a guy if he thinks you're all about what you weigh.
I haven't had experience with this firsthand, and most of the guys I've dated I know beforehand and were aware of my goals. I don't think I'd have a problem telling a guy that I'd lost weight. Neither would I feel right in divulging all my ex-bulges and going completely ape on counting calories in front of him or anything.
A guy could see it that you're motivated, that you're determined and you're a goal-minded. I think if its the right way, he won't react thinking you're going to get him to diet, that you're going to obsess over everything you eat, or ask him "do I look fat in this?"
I've had past boyfriends that have panicked and ran, and I've had some that stepped up to help me out. We were active buddies, with an added benefit of healthy competition.
I think its up to you if/when you tell him, but I think it would be weird to try to hide it from him.
Last edited by RandomPaige; 06-12-2012 at 05:25 AM.
Iīd say that if you feel like sharing because youīre proud of the weight loss, then go ahead, but if itīs because you feel like you are deceiving him. Youīre not. You would be if by some magic dress you were hiding those 50 pounds under the fabric, since Iīm pretty sure thatīs not the case, what he sees is what he gets... at least on a physical level ;-)
I were friends with benefits with my boyfriend for a long time, and I didnīt tell him until I had to go MIA for my tummy tuck, and he didnīt care at all. Now a days, when the topic comes up or someone posts a picture of my old self on facebook, what I notice is that he doesnīt recognize me in my old self, and I understand that, because most of the time I donīt recognize myself back then, and I am today, a completely different person.
You're never obligated to tell someone unless you want to.
I mention it from time to time because I am VAIN and like hearing "I can't believe you used to be heavy" - and also because sometimes I feel like I have to justify my light/mild eating habits.
You're never obligated to tell someone unless you want to.
I mention it from time to time because I am VAIN and like hearing "I can't believe you used to be heavy" - and also because sometimes I feel like I have to justify my light/mild eating habits.
LOL! When someone mentiones to me that I look like I've lost weight, I say "Do I really?" - so they can repeat and say "yes, you have"
OP - I dont think you have any obligation whatsoever to let him know that you used to weigh more. If you want to, thats fine.....but let your relationship evolve to a point where its not an akward conversation.
I'm proud of the amount of weight I've lost and how far I've come in the last three years. My boyfriend knows I lost quite a bit of weight (about 25 pounds before we got together), and last week I actually found a photo of myself at my largest, and show it to him.
He was surprised at how much weight I had lost and was proud of me, but has never shown any signs of horror/disgust at the size I was before.
This definitely wouldn't be something I'd bring up in the first few months of the relationship though...I just told him when our relationship got to such a comfortable point it didn't matter.
Last edited by summerlove; 06-12-2012 at 12:17 PM.
I am looking forward to having someone to have this conversation with! The advice I've been given is that I'll probably want to bring it up before there is any nakedness, to give him a heads-up that there's some loose skin and stretch marks. I'm still pretty enthusiastic about losing, so it would probably come up sooner.
Do you bring up losing weight when dating?
The advice I've been given is that I'll probably want to bring it up before there is any nakedness, to give him a heads-up that there's some loose skin and stretch marks. I'm still pretty enthusiastic about losing, so it would probably come up sooner.
