I'm not trying to start a religious debate here or anything, I'm just trying to figure out what to do in this situation.
Over the years, I have decided that I no longer want to identify with the Christian faith. I don't necessarily debunk the idea of a God-like figure; I just don't agree with organized religion at all. Because of this, I no longer go to church unless my parents make me (special occasions what not), and I'm definitely only going to please them and to save face. If it weren't for them and the rest of my family that also goes to church, I wouldn't go at all. I just don't feel right there -- I feel like I'm faking, putting up a front, and I really just don't feel like I belong in there. I don't feel like I should have to feel like this when I go somewhere, thus my limited trips to church.
However, that being said, that doesn't mean I don't have a problem with the people IN the church. I like them, I just don't partake in the activity that brings them all together. The point of all of this is that they want me to join the choir, and I don't want to for the reasons stated above. I don't want to tell them this, though, because I don't want to offend anyone. My dad (and other family members) that don't know my religious beliefs (really the only one who really knows is my brother and my mom) keep encouraging me to do it, and feel like I really have no reason not to. And as far as they know, I don't. But I don't know what to do. The choir really needs new members, and I feel like I'm being selfish by not helping them, but I really just don't feel like I belong in the church and I don't want to have to fake my religious beliefs simply to please someone else.
I don't know how to approach this situation, and I get tired of trying to come up with some excuse as to why I don't participate/go to church. I feel like I should be able to keep my beliefs personal, but I feel guilty about lying to people, too. What would y'all do in this situation?
Do you still live at home with your parents? If not, then it's easy to make up excuses about work and time. Will your father have a fit with what you believe now? Are you able to talk with him about topics like this without hurting feelings or having it blow up into a big arguement?
I have similiar feelings as you. I belonged to a church because my dh did before we met. They were really nice people and helped him a ton when he was in school. But their believes were just off the wall. It wasn't a traditional church. I only went because of dh, to save face. I faked it for years. DH got busy with work and slowly stopped going so I was able to stop too. And when asked I told them what I felt and well, that was the end of that.
Do you enjoy singing? Do you want to socialize with the people? You don't have to believe the exact way they do to atttend if you enjoy their company.
What ever you decide to do, be prepared to lose the majority of your friends who attend the church-if you socialize with them outside of church.
I know I'll never tell my parents my believes . They would spend way too much time dwelling on where they had gone wrong raising me.
Definitely don't feel that by not sharing your beliefs you're lying.
I would simply say, 'It's not for me right now, but thank you for offering.' And leave it at that. If they push, then simply repeat with a smile. Beyond that they're the ones being rude and end the conversation.
Now, for your family, it may just come to a point where you say, 'Hey, I am just not going to go to church anymore for the time being.' It's hard to feel like you may be letting family down, especially parents. I have done lots of things for the sake of not feeling guilty, but truly the better road is being true to yourself.
And those that love you need and should at minimum respect that it's your decision to make, whether they are happy with it or not, and shouldn't affect the mutual love you have for one another. If it does, again their problem, not yours.
Whether you stay in the faith of your childhood but come back to it as an adult person with greater understanding or move to explore other things/paths doesn't much matter -- what matters is that you take the time to sort out how YOU feel as a young adult.
Try the Belief.net quiz to see where you currently are at.
Just view it like visiting a friend's church when you are invited to weddings and things. You don't have to be a church member there to be happy for your friend and their shindig, right? Showing up for Christmas pageants to be together with the family at your parent's church can be like that. That doesn't mean you are lying to anyone -- you are a visiting guest. That's all. If you lived across the country and came home to visit for holidays you'd go their church maybe for holiday service but it isn't YOUR church necessarily. Right?
You are a grown up person -- you decide what you believe, you decide what you do and do not participate in. Plain and simple.
Try to stick up for yourself a bit more and stop trying to please all people but yourself. It's ok to want a little space to think about how you want to spend your time and it's ok to want to a little space to think about your adult belief system vs that of childhood. We ALL go through this.
I actually just up and told Mom I was not going to do Confirmation in our Catholic Church because I did not share in these beliefs. And she was baffled, but didn't make me. She didn't know how to help me find what I was looking for at 15 but I eventually settled in with Unitarian Universalism in my mid 20's.
Just be honest about your need to take a break. You have to live your own life.
I do live with my parents, and my dad is a bit of a hard-nose when it comes to this kind of stuff. The church people are just people I know and that I speak with when I am at church -- I don't associate with them outside of church. My grandpa was the first one that started asking me to join, and it was easy to put him off, but today I actually received a phone call from a lady at church today asking me to join, and for some reason that makes it more awkward than when it was just my grandpa. She's actually an old friend of the family, and everyone in the church thinks highly of me and what-not, and like I said, I don't have a problem with them so I don't want them to feel like I'm turning my nose up to them. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much into this.
Just politely decline. "Oh, it's lovely to be wanted, and I have the utmost respect for the Church, but I'm not ready to make that kind of commitment and become a full fledged member at this time. "
I have a similar situation with my parents. I don't live with them, but I live near them. It's been slightly awkward at times but I'm surprised at how respectful everyone has been.
You're an adult, right? It's perfectly reasonable for you to be able to make this decision for yourself. It's reasonable for them to feel sad about it, too. I have to be sensitive to my parent's feelings at times. I know they're upset about my choices. Just because I don't agree with them doesn't mean I am allowed to be insensitive to their feelings about it. So, if they invite me to church, I go sometimes. It doesn't kill me. I count it as family time and enjoy being with them. Sometimes I decline. Just say "No thanks, I have other things to do today." No explanation neccessary.
This is YOUR life. It's ok to make your own choices .
Personally I really dislike when people hide important parts of themselves like their religious faith. I think you should just tell you family what you believe and maybe the church people too.
I think you should stay true to your own beliefs and you shouldn't partake in something that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's your decision to make and in my opinion there is nothing wrong with just telling your father that you don't relate to Christianity. However, I understand that living in a community that puts so much emphasis on religious beliefs can make it a bit difficult to go public with such a matter. I'm not a religious person myself, but fortunately my family is pretty open when it comes to this and believes that each person is free to make their own choices, they have never forced any kind of belief on me.
You could tell your father that you are at a point in your life where you do not want to get involved in any type of social activity and you would much rather focus on career opportunities.
Actually, the last thing I'd recommend is tell people what you think, especially while living with your parents. You may endure undue harassment.
What you going through is perfectly normal and you are not alone. Humans are generally social beings and seek out community. For many people, they find community through church. Over the years, I've heard many stories of people who are involved (sometimes quite heavily) in a church community although they don't believe in the teachings of the church. Recently, I read a story about a woman who teaches at Christian based summer camps for kids but said she herself was athiest and has been so for many years (not a fact she shared with the camps). She decided to stop teaching at the camps because she just couldn't do it anymore but despite the differences in beliefs, she enjoyed the work itself.
There are also alternatives as well. I don't know much about it and it never really attracted me but many people I've talked to who used to be Christian (or still have some lingering Christian beliefs) seem to like the Unitarians: http://www.uua.org/
I also have a friend who is heavily involved in a LGBT friendly church. She says that it is Christian based but she said it is an open, friendly environment that lacks the judgmental views she found in traditional churches.
Lastly, you don't need a religion to find community. There are opportunities in various places. Yoga classes? Karate? Kick boxing? Even taking classes at a local community college (if you currently aren't in college) or looking for classes which may be offered by your city/county recreational department. Get involved in volunteering?
As for me, I desperately wanted to 'belong' to a religion when I was in the 17-20 range. I had enjoyed the community aspects but realized that I didn't believe the things that the various (Christian-based) religions taught. I didn't think this was a big deal at first but then I realized I just couldn't do it. It didn't make sense to me.
At the point in life where I decided that I'd part ways with organized religion, I was going to college and living in a dorm. I told my roommate that although I held beliefs in a God, I didn't believe in organized religion nor many of the beliefs that Christianity taught. Telling her was one of the worst mistakes I ever did. At this point, she started organizing bible studies and prayer groups in our dorm room. She would constantly tell me that she was praying that I would 'turn from my evil ways'. She told everyone she knew with similar beliefs and they started to say similar things to me. What was once a friendly, welcoming environment became a hostile environment. I also went to a really small school at the time too so the same people that I would go to oncampus church services with were the same people I'd see regularly. I ended up spending time in dorm rooms of my friends who could care less what I believed or didn't believe and developed better friendships with them. The overall result though is that I am happier with accepting that I have my own beliefs and I'm not trying to fit a square peg (me) into a round hole (religion).
I will also say that 15-20 years later, I've explored my own spirituality and you are free to do so. Your beliefs may change and fluctuate over the years but do what feels natural. My husband, who was raised without religion, has an interest in Buddhist thought and enjoys reading various books about different kinds of spirituality. So these aren't things you have to give up thinking about if you don't want to.
I have worked in several chiors and "worship teams" over the years in many different capacities. As a Chior director, I would hope that all of my members were happy and willing to be there. No one is perfect and everyone has thier issues, but I would hope they would love what they were doing and be willing to serve.
If you do not want to do it, politely decline and find a place were you do fit.
Over the years, I have decided that I no longer want to identify with the Christian faith. I don't necessarily debunk the idea of a God-like figure; I just don't agree with organized religion at all.
Hi. Don't mistake organized religion - which is man-made - with the teachings of Jesus Christ. I see lots of discrepancies between Christ's teachings of love and forgiveness and the more esoteric interpretations of His teachings and what I hear from some folks who profess to be Christians .
Having said that, don't feel you have to please others. Just tell them no thanks, not now. I do hope you find some group that makes you feel welcome and comfortable, because that's nice to have...
I had some similar things happen to me when I was in my teens/20's and lived at home for awhile.
When I was at home I went to church every Sunday, sang, Sunday School etc. etc. I never really wanted to go, but I went. I enjoyed myself while I was there, but not because of religious aspects, just going out and seeing people was nice.
I never felt like my mom - who is a devout Christian. I don't go to church now and my son was never baptized. I don't have strong feelings about it at all - it's like a non issue to me.
Would I ever discuss that with my mom? NEVER. (and I'm 42.) It would break her heart to know I didn't believe - or it was something she did wrong as other people had said. I have thought about getting my son baptized for her as she is in incredible dismay about it and it doesn't bother me either way. (we live in different states now so easier said than done.)
Bottom line is, in my opinion, I wouldn't tell them anything. While you're at home, I'd still go to church. I'd tell them you don't want to do choir, but if they really pushed it, I would. Religion and family is something you just don't want to mess with.
When you finally get to move out, you won't need to do any of those things.
Awkward situation :/
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