I'm kind of torn, because If I get into a serious relationship, be it with him or someone completely different, I don't want to know absolutely nothing. And I mean NOTHING. I thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try things out with a guy I feel safe around, and that if I just didn't have sex (and trust me, I won't if I don't want to, and I don't want to right now), it wouldn't be that big a deal. And honestly, I guess the reason I'm okay with it is because I literally get no pleasure out of penetration of any kind, so it doesn't seem like something so special. I would probably be okay learning to give a blowjob too, because I have no freaking clue how to go about that, even after watching tons of porn.
As for what you asked, MuffnTop, I'm not sure. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, and as far as I know, he isn't either. We're just friends, and our friends have been trying to set us up. But now I'm wondering, why sex and not a relationship? Maybe because I've said I'm not looking for one?
Knowing absolutely nothing is awesome. Seriously. My husband knew absolutely nothing (the guy didn't even kiss me until he'd asked my father's permission to marry me and then proposed) and it was the greatest gift I have ever been given by anyone in my life, including the birth and raising of my children. His intentional preserving of himself for me, with no standard of comparison, no strings, and no baggage? I felt like the most special girl on earth that such a brilliant, handsome, accomplished man thought I was worth waiting his entire life to enjoy (he was 28 when we married, so that was a lot of years of temptation through college, work, etc).
Me, on the other hand, had sex and sexual encounters, most of them frivolous, friends-with-benefits and no attachment kind. Not only was it emotionally unhealthy (most women aren't designed, biologically and emotionally, for no-strings sex, as we bear the responsibility of giving birth and raising children, it behooves us from a developmental standpoint to seek permanent, steady attachment before we give away so much physical and mental energy, so to speak), but you'd better believe my years of 'experience' did so much more damage to my marriage than it helped. It is one of those massive life regrets, one of the few, I've had. And quite frankly it feels like crap to have someone who thought you were special enough to wait for - and to give used, damaged goods in return (which, given the toll those encounters had wrought on my heart, self esteem, and understanding of what a healthy relationship entailed, I don't believe calling myself damaged is too strong. It may be an understatement).
That casual sex and intimacy did damage to my heart and was pollution, pure and plain, to my marriage. It took a lot of time and forgiveness, growth of all kinds, to move past the habits, expectations, and issues I'd developed from using sex casually and without regard for the value of heart and virtue.
Now I am not saying you feel the same way me or my husband do, or hold our values. But as a woman who used to believe in such things as fun, exploratory sex and friends with benefits who now is married (younger than I pictured I would be when I was growing up, that's for sure!) and knows her younger self to be ignorant, deceived, and far too concerned with what a guy thinks and far less concerned about the true value of chastity? I can only recommend against your situation in the strongest and most loving terms. Where you are now, with your virtue and inexperience, is a beautiful gift. Bestow it on the right person, for the right reason, with love and commitment. Casual, fun sex is not casual for most hearts, and it isn't as fun as society or even our deceitful brains try to convince us it is. It's something so incredibly personal and transformative and far too precious to give away to a guy who sees a body, or an insecure, easy girl, rather than a woman to cherish and demonstrate the breadth of his love in the most permanent physical way he can.
If it sounds like I'm pleading I am - whether you believe in saving yourself for marriage or not, don't go into sex for anything less than what you deserve - pure intentions, abiding love, and commitment for the long haul.
And that's my peace, take care of yourself, sweetie!
If you're just doing this as a way to learn, I would say start with taking care of business yourself. Learn your body so you know what you like. If you want to learn how to give head or something like that....you can just ask the guy you're with what he likes. They are generally more than happy to tell you and help you along, so there's no need to rush into it with some random dude just for learning.
Now, if you are wanting to do this just because you want to and because you want some sexy times, that's cool too. Just go slow and don't do more than you're comfortable with. If he's seen you dressed, he probably has an idea what you'll look like naked so it's not like he will be shocked. He's clearly already attracted to you! Before you go into a FWB situation, be 1000% sure that's all you will want. Those types of relationships get sticky fast. They're a pain in the butt!
Don't feel like there needs to be an emotional attachment if you don't want one though, and don't feel like you have to save yourself for anybody either. You do what you are comfortable with, whether you don't go past kissing or you have casual sex. There's nothing wrong with having some fun if you want to as long as you're safe.
I don't know exactly what to tell you here or what your situation is, but feel free to PM me if you have questions and don't want to be judged. I'm pretty open minded.
I do think some others bring up a good point. Herpes can be transmitted by fingers or by mouth/genitals as well.
I don't think a woman with many sexual partners is damaged goods but some people have sexual relations for the wrong reasons. I would definitely say don't worry about being inexperienced. I probably had sex later than most but it was because I wanted commitment. It is definitely fun to explore with someone you love and care about. I've had 2 partners total (my husband and a previous long term boyfriend). I'd be totally ok if I had only one and didn't feel like I was missing out. I also would be ok if I had more, as long as it was on my own terms.
Well, this puts a whole new spin on things, and now I'm second guessing the entire situation. I'm just going to postpone things, I guess, even though now I feel like a *****/tease.
But you all talk about saving it for someone you care for--what if I end up developing feelings for him? What if he ends up developing feelings for me? I'm not going to wait until I'm married to have sex, I know that much, but how does that work exactly then? We could still break up. There's no guarentee, even if I do wait until I'm married, that we wont' break up.
I don't know, now I'm a little confused. It didn't seem like a big deal to begin with but now I'm not so sure. It's so hard to form my own opinions about things. :/
Well, you'll get a lot of different opinions on that one. Some say you should be in love, others say married, some say just someone you 'care for'.
For me, it was my high school crush (I was 20, so it had been a few years crush). One night stand. Not a date. No regrets though? It didn't feel forced, more natural.
So, I'm a believer that one doesn't need to be in love (and I wasn't in love with any of them, except my husband years later). But, you will probably feel crappy after if it's not someone you at least care for. That's probably female biology because most men don't feel the same.
Well you don't have to be married to love and care for someone. I never thought that I'd want to get married but committed, loving, monogamous relationships were important to me and a requirement for any sexual activity.
I don't know, now I'm a little confused. It didn't seem like a big deal to begin with but now I'm not so sure. It's so hard to form my own opinions about things. :/
So why don't you back off from the situation and figure things our for yourself. If YOU feel this is the right choice for you than by all means do it. If you can't be bothered to date people and see whats out there and lose it to someone who actually means something to you. Than do it.
You don't have to be married to have sex, don't have to be in love, you don't have to care for them or even like them to do it. You can just do it. But I wouldn't do something if you can't even have a strong stand point on it.
When I want something I'm head strong about it, I'll ask opinions but in the end it doesn't matter the opinions on what others have said because I still think my decision was right, because it's the right choice for me.
If you are second guessing your decision or your thought process on the whole situation, than it wasn't your choice to begin with. If this is something YOU really really want and YOU won't get up regretting it then do it. Everyone has their own beliefs in things, including you.
So if you feel its best to lose it to some dude (I'm not going on what ifs and what may happen in the future, I'm going on RIGHT NOW.) instead of being in a relationship with a guy you care about (again don't care about the what if you develop feelings blah blah blah)...than do it. but make sure it was your idea, make sure you are doing the right thing for YOU.
It doesn't matter what I have to say, it doesn't matter what anyone else says all that matters is it's right for you, and what you want. You'll figure it out.
You don't have to love, like, or even care about someone to have sex IMO. It can be a purely physical thing and thats fine. Ony you can really decide what you're comfortable with, if it not something that's a big deal for you, don't let others guilt trip you into feeling like you shouldn't do it.
If you aren't sure how you feel,though, then it is probably best to wait.
Well, this puts a whole new spin on things, and now I'm second guessing the entire situation. I'm just going to postpone things, I guess, even though now I feel like a *****/tease.
But you all talk about saving it for someone you care for--what if I end up developing feelings for him? What if he ends up developing feelings for me? I'm not going to wait until I'm married to have sex, I know that much, but how does that work exactly then? We could still break up. There's no guarentee, even if I do wait until I'm married, that we wont' break up.
I don't know, now I'm a little confused. It didn't seem like a big deal to begin with but now I'm not so sure. It's so hard to form my own opinions about things. :/
You don't need to necessarily "save" yourself for someone; it depends on what YOU believe. I don't believe in waiting until marriage or until one is in a committed relationship, but others' believe differently and that's ok.
If you're not on board 100% just don't. It doesn't matter if you want a FWB situation or if you're waiting until you've gone out for a certain amount of time. Just make sure you're ready. Just don't use "I'm 22" as your primary reason.
I remember thinking "OMG I'm 18, I should just do this!" and while it wasn't sex, I regret it. I wasn't 100% sure and I still went ahead with it and wound up getting dumped because I refused to go the whole way.
It hurt, but I learned a valuable lesson that it doesn't matter how old I am, I will not do anything sexual until I'm 100% sure. Yes, that means I'm nearly 24 and still a virgin (although I'll be honest, it's more for lack of opportunity than readiness, I'm engaged after all), but I don't really care. I'm not lacking in any area of my life other than my finances because of the crappy economy
I didn't wait until I was married and most of my encounters were fwb situations. What i can say is having sex with someone who you have real feelings for and you know that person has real feelings for you was the best sex I have had. I'm only 22 so I'm by no means old but I do wish that I wouldn't have had any of my fwb encounters. Once you have sex or just mess around with someone where the feelings are real and mutual it really is worth waiting for.
Well, this puts a whole new spin on things, and now I'm second guessing the entire situation. I'm just going to postpone things, I guess, even though now I feel like a *****/tease.
You aren't a tease for flirting, and stopping to THINK about your sex health and well being. Every adult should think!
If HE is saying that you are a tease just for being adult about it -- well, that tell you all you need to know about him, huh? Phooey to him!
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But you all talk about saving it for someone you care for--what if I end up developing feelings for him? What if he ends up developing feelings for me? I'm not going to wait until I'm married to have sex, I know that much, but how does that work exactly then? We could still break up. There's no guarentee, even if I do wait until I'm married, that we wont' break up.
I didn't wait til marriage. All my sexual contacts were positive, fun, safe. And I'm married now and doing fine and don't regret a thing.
But all my partners stemmed from a place of respect. I didn't have to BE IN DEEP LOVE them. But I did have to be able to trust, and like them at least, and have talked to them and established boundaries and expectations we both agreed to.
I was not interested in stranger sex or irresponsible sex!
What bothered me in your original post is that you were worrying about your CLOTHES rather than worrying about your sex hygiene and the truth-i-ness of this guy. You didn't sound like you thought it all the way across.
What you wear isn't going to hurt you any -- dress, jeans, whatever. Being vulnerable to someone might.
If FWB is what you want, by all means. Had it myself and I'm not judging if you do or do not. That's your business.
But even in a FWB arrangement, you still have to proceed like an adult and have the sex talk, negotiate the boundaries. Before you take your brain off the hook and enjoy the body sensations -- take care of all your business.
You don't just go in BLIND. That is all.
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I don't know, now I'm a little confused. It didn't seem like a big deal to begin with but now I'm not so sure. It's so hard to form my own opinions about things. :/
Confused about what? If you want a FWB arrangement, sit down and talk it out then. Approach it logically.
Swap the sex history -- partners, illnesses, date of last tests, etc.
Negotiate the terms. Is this a one time thing? Or a longer term FWB thing? When do you break up? When one of you finds another partner? Are you wired for Poly? What's the situation here? What emotions come into play? Will you have another talk to sort it out? Are you private about this FWB arrangement or public with it? Is he trustworthy with your body and well-being? He's not a nutjob who'd leave you for dead?
Decide the ALL BC. Because don't kid yourself. You might go in thinking it is fingering and just having gloves is fine, but if in the heat of the moment? Then what? Best to have condoms/BCP/whatever ELSE you decided you may need in place if other activities come on board. Don't expect HIM to take care of it all. Take care of your own business.
Better to have and not need than to need and be tempted to skip it and then end up in a bind. If this becomes a longer term thing you can negotiate who pays for what then. Each should pay half. Isn't that a fair expectation?
Where is this going to happen? And who are you going to tell? I used to leave that info on my fridge and with a friend as a single woman on my own. Because I want people to know where I went and who I was with if there's trouble. That's the reality of dating life today.
And that's the reason, even with a "less serious FWB relationship" to STILL be careful and have the talk and establish SOME kind of trust.
If you talk it out and come to agreement, and risks are low -- great, go ahead. If not and there's deal breakers or high risks -- don't go ahead. Plain and simple.
If the guy can't hack something so simple and responsible -- having the sex talk -- that tells you all you need to know. This person is NOT a good candidate for FWB type lover, serious BF type lover, husband type lover, nothing. He doesn't take his OWN sex health seriously, why would he care about YOURS?
I'd also wonder what kind of "friend" this is too. Sheesh.
FWB doesn't have to be a big deal, but that doesn't mean you don't take care of your business!
If the confusion is that YOU don't know what you are looking for yet or what kind of relationships that might cover on your dating card -- that's another thing. And you should take a time out to sort it since only you can answer that. What ARE you looking for right now? What are you comfortable with? What are you dealbreakers?
Only friendship?
Friendship with romantic possibilities?
Short term casual (few weeks/months?)
Long term serious (few years? Maybe marriage?)
Local only? Open to long distance relationship?
Open relationship? Closed relationship? Something else?
Spend some time with yourself sorting that out first. Then you will have better success in finding what it is you want right now. People aren't mind readers. If even YOU don't know what you want, how can they know? And if you don't even know what you are looking for, how can you find it?
If what you want is a FWB arrangement that is fine. Have a decent, responsible one with some thinking behind it then. If you want something else -- that's fine too.
But the bottom line is still the same. There is NOTHING new under the sun when it comes to humankind having sex.
But how YOU want to be having it is up to YOU, and you ought to give it some intentional thought. Don't just wing it. This is your health and well-being here.
if he's calling you a tease, he's manipulating you. You do not have any responsibility to be intimate with anyone, let alone with someone you don't much like.
Step back and make decisions based on what YOU want, not what he wants. He's thinking about his own self-interest, not yours. You need to do the same.
If he ever calls you a tease run for the hills. That shows no respect. Its one thing for you to think it about yourself while you are trying to figure everything out. But its never ever ok for anyone, husband or FWB to pressure into sex. Ever.
I'm still involved with a FWB that I honestly need to get rid of because I know I'm attached and that's why I stick to him. He's a comfort zone, a security blanket, and an honest-to-God player. He never pressured me into having sex or anything; we just kind of started doing it. However, hindsight 20/20, I honestly wish I'd never even met him.
If you think you can handle being in a FWB relationship, then by all means, go for it, but honestly, I'd be very, very careful. One day you'll be having casual sex and then another day in the future you won't be able to get him to stop calling you for another rendezvous. Be careful, that's all I have to say.
