this is what happens when you are a single male at a wedding reception and all of your friends know it when it's time to toss the garter.



(yes, this is my wedding reception, and the one on the right with the ZZ top beard is my dad)

Mandy, I LOVE it!

Last night one of my 4 year old sons came in while I was watching 30DS and he said, "um, momma...i think those ladies forgot to put on their costumes." LOL Then he drags out a yoga mat, does a few poses, some pushups and jumping jacks and then runs to the kitchen for a snack.

Oh goodness, I'm laughing so hard right now...

The best one I have is my little cousin went to show and tell with his mom's lady products in his backpack and pulled one out during show and tell and yelled "I've got a tampon!"

My niece also had a good one at my wedding. She was less than 3 and had never been to a wedding before. When we were cutting the cake, she asked her mom really loudly "It's her birfday??" Because cake=birthday.

Here are a few more.

My sister, god love her, has a unique knack for completely mixing up words and is almost always the butt-end of jokes, much to her annoyance.

About 6 years ago, when she was 15, her and my dad went on a bush drive. Basically, you get in the truck and you just drive along a bush road to see where it ends up. They were driving up behind the city they live in, on Crown land (public use land), and there were a bunch of cows there. The ranchers here let their cows out all the time on to Crown land to graze so you end up seeing them everywhere.

My sister, very intently, leans forward and goes "hit 'em dad! We'll get pork chops!!"

My dad then had to explain to her that you get pork chops from pigs, not cows.

Another time, not too long before that, we were sitting outside in the back yard in the summer having a BBQ. Dad was grilling hot dogs and he overcooked them a bit. He proudly put the plate of nearly blackened dogs on the table and my sister sighed before saying "thanks dad, you crucified them!"

When my dad was young (are we noticing a trend here? lol) he lived on a small island in Newfoundland with his 3 sisters. For fun, he'd hop into the car and his 3 sisters would push the car around and he'd "drive" it. One day, my grandfather, who was out working on the house (that he built), saw them playing in the car and came over. He told the sisters to get in the back seat, sat in the front with dad, and handed him the keys. Dad must have only been about 10 at the time.

Excited, he managed to turn the car on and with his dad's instruction, put it in to gear. That's when everything went wrong. He had no idea how much force to apply to the gas pedal, so he hammered it. Until that point, all 3 sisters were hanging over the front seat excited because, hey, Larry's going to drive! When he hammered the gas, all 3 of them flew nearly in to the back window. My dad panicked and froze, foot still on the pedal. He dug about a foot deep hole with the back tires while the car flew forward. It was headed for the house. He was right in line to take the corner off the building when my grandfather managed to pull himself together and grab the wheel. They missed the house but crashed through the fence before my dad had the presence of mind to slam the brakes on (digging another foot-deep trench), sending all 3 sisters back up over the front seats.

After my dad put the car in park, my grandfather calmly reached over and turned the car off and took out the keys. Before he got out of the car, he turned to my dad and said (in right Newfie lilt) "go back to pushin', me son."

a bit of background: my dad and grandfather and my FIL have all told my husband that the best way to stay out of the dog house is to remember the phrase "yes dear"

one night shortly after we were married the following conversation happened as he was walking up the stairs for bed:

DH: i am leading a quiet revolt. i will not "yes,dear" my way through marriage!

me: if you say so... don't forget to take your socks off before you get in bed, you know i hate that!

DH: alright i will...

text message...
O__________O
its a whale
what, how do you have any friends

o_____o
baby whale

LMFAO!

(A conversation with my 2 year old while playing animals...)


Me: Honey, what animal is this?
Grady: Goat.
Me: No, not a goat sweetheart, it's a HORSE. Can you say HORSE?
Grady: Gorse.
Me: HHHHorse. Can you say H H H H HORSE?
Grady: H H H H Goat.



I really almost peed my pants.

LOL!!!!

doggie poot

http://icanhascheezburger.files.word...-gifs-poot.gif

Nothing worse than dog farts, especially a brachy. Yuck!

My dad told me this joke, I don't know where he got it but welcome to my childhood...

A man walks into a fancy restaurant, where a jacket and tie are required, he had the jacket but no tie, so they wouldn't let him in. He goes out to the car and rummages around but all he can find are jumper cables, so he arranges those around his neck in a 'tie'. The host rolls his eyes but agrees to let him in with the stern warming 'don't START anything!"

Helmer, reptile comedy...I've got to hear that!

reptile comedy? I feel like I'm walking into a pun...but please share!

This one happened when I was still in high school. We had a reddish-brown and white spotted steer named Skippy (I did not name him. lol.). One day Skippy was standing at the fence, trying to pull the green apples off the apple tree through the fence. So, I walk over, pluck an apple off the tree, and hand-feed it to him. Bad mistake. I soon get a whiff of the nastiest smell ever. Actually, it permeates the entire yard. Skippy let out a silent but deadly fart. He would go on to do that every single time I fed him an apple. Eventually my dad would scold me not to do it anymore. haha.

This one might only be funny to me, but one night when I was around 16-17, and staying with my cousin Mark in another city, we got to laughing so badly (I don't even remember what started it), that we were completely paralyzed to the floor, with tears rolling down our cheeks. Every time one of us would even make a noise, it would get us started laughing again. Eventually, we got in trouble for waking up my grandmother.

Several months ago, I was sitting on the couch, and my husband was sitting on the floor in front of me. He had a big cup of hot chocolate in his hand, and offered me some, so I accepted, and was about to grab for it, but since our couch is a bit old and slants backwards, I had to kind of gain some momentum to get up, so I kicked my leg out. When I did, however, my foot swiftly kicked the cup out of my husband's hand, sending hot chocolate all over the floor. He just stared dumbfounded. I couldn't stop laughing.

My cats do funny things all the time. When my husband is sleeping, Freya will go and stand on the pillow, just above his head. Anytime he rolls over or moves, she'll proceed to "Talk" to him or knead on his pillow, trying to wake him up. Also, anytime I meow, she'll always answer back and come running to me. My husband jokes that she thinks I'm her kitten. LOL. Also, she'll lay on her side on the floor, and scoot toward Avery when he's not looking. Avery is hilarious too. There's a lot of things he does that we've made nicknames up for. When it's early in the morning, he runs around really fast, growls at the door and jumps at it really high. We call this the "Morning Cat". When we're cooking food, and he sniffs the air, he makes this expression we've dubbed "pig-nosing" which looks like he's smelling the most amazing thing in the world. Then there's the "Tall cat" which is when he stands on a high place. We used to only refer to him as the "Tall cat" when he would stand on top of the dryer and peek into the bedroom, but it's "evolved" now. lol. Then there's the "Low cat" which occurs when I place a headband on Avery's back, and he walks all low, like the thin, light headband is weighing his backside down. As you can tell, I don't get out too much. LOL.

Thank you guys. I got quite a few laughs reading these while I wait for traffic to die down some before heading home from work.

okay, you guys might not find this as funny as I have, but every time I read the thread title about EAT STOP EAT, I read it as EAT SHOP EAT!
I thought, now that is a plan I can certainly stick with for the rest of my life!!!