It's clear that you care, but I have to agree with the others that this isn't a good approach.
Perhaps she doesn't see herself as being able to lose weight with the way her life is. Obesity, her other physical health issues, and the mental health issues you've alluded to may mean that she isn't able to lose weight without other things being resolved first. The impression (perhaps incorrect) that I get from reading your posts is that you view this mainly as a lack of willpower on her part. Given the other things you mentioned, my own experiences, and the posted experiences of many of the other people on here, I would be surprised if that were true. And even if it were true, she is an adult who is responsible for managing her own health and making her own decisions. Also, unless your mother is fairly mentally subnormal, it's absurd to think that she isn't aware of the basic relationships between her weight and her other health issues.
If you want to help her, hold off of the judgement and condescension and offer her some real aid and support (telling her she should keep a food journal that you'll use to "hold her accountable" and remind her of what she "should" be doing ain't it). Since physical pain and possibly depression are issues that you think might be driving her poor eating and apparently aren't being controlled that well, perhaps you could offer to help her find and pay for treatment with a specialist in pain management and/or counselor. And since those are real and debilitating problems in themselves that may be having a major impact on her quality of life, there's no need to even get into your desire to have her lose weight.
And if you offer and she doesn't take you up on it? That's her prerogative.
There was no "breaking point" for me. I finally got the mental health issues that had plagued me all my life diagnosed and treated. Once I no longer felt chronically miserable and overwhelmed, I could focus generally and focus on less urgent things (than just maintaining a relatively low level of functionality) like losing weight and keep myself together enough to have some success at it.
Another who suggests you not send it. I had to have my own breaking point, and nearly did not start weight loss because my loving husband made one comment that set me off.
I am in the same situation. My mother is morbidly obese with all the attending health issues: diabetes, COPD, CHF, knees that need to be replaced but she's too overweight to even consider surgery, sleep apnea, etc. etc. etc.
She knows she's overweight. She knows that she would feel better and be able to better manage her conditions if she lost weight. I don't need to point that out to her - it would just hurt her feelings and reinforce her own low self image.
My mother is horribly addicted to food and she's a binge eater. It's a complex issue that isn't as simple as saying "you need to eat less and move more" - and it sounds like it's the same thing with your mother.
What I do instead is to tell her about MY plan - what I'm doing to get thinner and healthier. If she's interested, I share more and give her information I've discovered. If she says she's going to try, I support her. If she fails, I support her efforts.
I'm morbidly obese too (with diverticulitis as well by the way) and I know how many years I tried and failed to make any headway in getting thinner or healthier. I know that sometimes I just gave up and didn't really care all that much because there didn't seem to be much point.
I KNOW you love your mother and you want her to be around and healthy - I do too. The truth is though that we can't make them take care of themselves any more than they can make us do the things that they'd like to see us doing in our lives.
I do not think you should send any letter to your mom about this topic. You will only offend her more. Your mother has tried to lose weight many times, and even had WL surgery, to boot -- that is proof enough that she needs no one to tell her anything ...
What she does need, is your unconditional LOVE; that will do more to help her deal with the stresses & health issues she already has in her life now ...
There are some great comments and suggestions here...
I'm not an expert by any means, I am new to this site and I am new to my weightloss journey. But, everyone has to find their own breaking point or "bottom"... I think YOU will feel better if you send the letter, but it won't be good for your mom.
Instead, I would find creative ways to hopefully encourage her to start taking baby steps. Since you don't live close that won't be as easy... but maybe something as simple as "hey mom check out this great recipe I just made, it was delicious, I think you and dad would really like it too"... and send her a delicious but healthy recipe...
Unfortunately, there really isn't anything you can do until she is ready to change for herself, and trying to push it might do more harm than good.
Well I had this conversation with my diabetic mom who has fibromyalgia, hypertension, and restless leg syndrome and a Bmi of 40. She hung up on me and we got over it. A month later a neurosurgeon told her that part of the pain in her legs was due solely to obesity and to lose weight. You can let the medical professionals handle it or you can just say I know you have some work to do in that department, how can I help.
I agree that you should not send the letter. It's obvious that it is coming from a place of love and concern but you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped.
She may well feel that she "can't" lose weight and well if the surgery didn't work well there's nowhere else to go right? When you're in the frame of mind no amount of well-meaning advice and guidance is going to help (In your mind people offering their advice just don't understand and if they understood they'd stop being so hard on you. You had the surgery and it didn't work for goodness sake!). It is of course absolutely true that she can lose weight, but no matter how rational a prospect that is, it's one that seems impossible to her.
As for how you make it seem possible to her, I have no real advice to offer. I never hit a bottom as such, I just decided that I didn't want "this" to be the rest of my life. I was crippled with back pain, leg pain, knee pain and had serious medical issues that were being compounded by how much I weighed. I saw doctors and hospital dieticians who gave me the advice you want to give your mom, I could do it and I had to do it, and I listened. But something in me just wouldn't do it.
You know your mom better than we do, and maybe a brief letter would start a conversation on the subject with her? Even a small weight loss could ease her symptoms substantially, and she doesn't need to go for huge numbers on the scales to see a benefit (my knee pains have gone with a 10% loss for example). Ultimately all of us who were/are obese know how we got here and in some ways what we need to do to get out of here. Whether we actually do it or not is another story.
I agree with everyone. Your mama is a grown lady, and she has to be ready for herself. A letter like that would have sent me reeling into food, love for it renewed. Only when I felt ready myself did I want to change at all. Period! All of the comments from hubs or my parents telling me I needed to lose weight felt like attacks and sent me spiraling even more out of control. When I was finally ready to take responsibility and accept that I could change, and what's more, that I was worth that change, I did it. It took six years longer than I would have liked, but even so, it happened.
I understand your general concern for your mother & with that comes unconditional love. But you can not force what YOU would like onto HER. This will only hurt her more in the long run. She may ultimately feel that she is doing it to make you happy instead of her own personal gain.
My advice is to skip the letter & be there for her. She'll come around on her own. We all have.
I'd have to agree with the other posters that telling someone to lose weight, even out of concern for their health will backfire. Granted I was a child when my parents did this, but the constant telling me to "lost weight" did nothing for me. I knew I was fat. I didn't need someone to pull me aside and say "Hey, sontaikle, you're fat. You should lose some weight."
I also can't pinpoint "the moment" that caused me to do something about it, especially because I've been working on getting healthier ever since I set foot in the gym when I was 16. However, THE MOMENT that caused me to buckle down and get my eating under control? I can't really explain...I just decided to try something one day and it happened to work.
I'd focus on healthy habits and modeling them for your mom. Maybe cook a healthy meal for her, suggest that you go on a walk or something. Badgering someone about their weight is going to just make it worse. They need to want to lose it on their own. Some people can get to that point...while others never do.
I've noticed that because of my success that those around me are attempting to get healthier. My mom is cooking healthier meals, my brother is watching how much he eats, my father is tracking his calories in an app on his smartphone (I don't know which one) and even my fiance who has never had a weight problem in his life is trying to stay away from soda and eat healthy foods.
I never said anything to any of them. The most I've done is help my Dad figure out the calories on some bread pocket things we have. They're all getting there on their own because me telling them what to do would have done nothing. I just kept doing what I was doing for ME and I think they all said "hey if she can do it, we can too."
You can't even help people who don't want to be helped.
As much as she is your mother it's like me telling my mother to quit smoking because it's bad for you. Food is just as much of an addiction as anything else. My mother used to be an alcoholic (she's also a nasty smoker lol), when I moved back home in 2010 she was still drinking...god I hate her when she drinks anyways May of that year I don't know what it was that snapped in her to quit, but she quit and hasn't had a drink since that year. Trust me the fights, the me telling her how much of a ***** she is the second she opens up a beer for years didn't work...me hiding in my room refusing to talk to her NOTHING worked, because it was an addiction and all though she knew she was a horrible humanbeing when she drank she didn't care and didn't want to quit....but that year something changed in her. May have been me coming back home (for the 6 month), her bestfriend dying from cancer who knows. I'll never know, but the point is she did it for herself no one else.
So one day you're mom may snap out of it and go HEY I need to change, or she may not. Either way it's going to have to be HER choice, not yours.
Thanks guys. I will probably not send the letter....or at least anything close to that. It is good to have your feedback so I don't piss her off.
I don't live even close to her anymore so I can't encourage her in person.
What if the doctor tells her what to do and how to fix it? Would that be different?
It is frustrating and I have been lucky not to have to deal with drug or alcohol addictions in the family, but this I guess isn't much different. She isn't morbidly obese, but she is obese. Dad is worried she will go into a nursing home if she doesn't change.
I did tell him I would talk to her, but I guess now I don't know what to say without making her feel bad. I could ask my dad to start dieting more and see if she goes with it, but he's kinda lazy.
I don't know it is just so dissapointing that the surgery failed to help her take the weight off.
Perhaps a different approach...you say you believe she has undiagnosed depression. Is there any way you can go about helping her get it diagnosed and treated? The first time I really lost weight and kept it off for years, it happened along with finally getting treated for depression I'd had for I don't know how long. Prior to that, I can't even tell you how bad I felt about myself. My weight was just another thing to hate about myself. Once I started taking antidepressants I just felt more positive in general, and started to feel like I could actually accomplish my weight loss goals. I was able to actually talk about my weight instead of just shutting down if someone brought it up.
Of course, I was in complete denial that I was depressed and it took a major breakup for me to admit it and start treatment. So convincing your mom about seeking help for depression could be just as bad as weight loss, but if it's something you've rarely brought up in the past she might be more open to it. Personally I think there is less stigma with being depressed than with being overweight, and I think it is less obvious that you are depressed. So you really might have more luck starting with the depression.
And I can tell you I've never successfully lost weight because someone told me I needed to. As I said before, I just shut down and feel ashamed. And I know what it's like to live far away from your mom and see her health failing and know that there are things she can do to make it better. Trust me. It's the most frustrating thing. You feel guilty that you can't get her to change, you feel mad that she won't change, you feel sad that she is messing up her quality of life. But all those things, SHE is doing and you simply cannot make someone change for you. I like some of the other tips to just be subtle about it, occasionally bring up things, like little things that help you (not even as a suggestion she should do them, just "Hey! I feel so good this week. I lost 5 pounds just by drinking more water! I can't believe how great I feel!" or whatever).
Good luck. Just try to be there for her and when she's ready to change, she'll know she can turn to you for help.
What I do instead is to tell her about MY plan - what I'm doing to get thinner and healthier. If she's interested, I share more and give her information I've discovered. If she says she's going to try, I support her. If she fails, I support her efforts.
^^THIS^^
I agree with everyone who says DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.
I know you love your mom. So of course you want to help her be healthier! You want her around for the next 20-30 years (or more!!) so OF COURSE you want to help her.
Perhaps you should just ask her: "Mom - I know weight loss has been a severe struggle for you. HOW CAN I HELP?" Then actually DO what she asks, if she asks anything.
