If he didn't skimp out on your anniversary gift and you had no other issues I'd say there's no reason to be upset, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I don't think husbands and wives need to share EVERYTHING, but it sounds like there is more going on. I'd be upset too.
OMG, They can be so CLUELESS!
I agree with most everyone that you have a right to be upset, especially with the downloadable card incident. LOL
Honey, I've been there. I'm married to a wonderful man, but sometimes he is, without a doubt, from Mars.
You need to let him know how you feel. If we wait for them to understand us, we'll all wait a very long time. So.... even though you shouldn't have to explain this to him, do yourself and him a favor, explain it to him, help him to see it your way, and move on.
Of course if there's more to it, that's different, but my guess is he's just..... you know, clueless.
My husband is also very ****ty at buying gifts and does not like to put an effort into it. He doesn't even print me a card. His idea of gift is taking me to the store and asking me to pick what I want for Christmas or birthday. I don't resent him for it because that is the way he is with everybody including his parents. This year, he asked me to pick something for his secret santa at work; I made some suggestions, we agreed on a gift and he bought it. So yeah, I'd be concerned too if he put the time & effort to shop for a present for some stranger just because it is not the norm in our household.
Sounds like its time to sit and have a heart to heart with your guy. Tell him internet cards are a no go from here on out, unless they come with a thoughtful gift. (Those online cards are pretty handy!lol)
Explain how it makes you feel to see him buy a gift for some random stranger and nothing for you.
If your buying a gift and putting effort into it, than you expect the same from him as well.
How does he react to your gifts? It sounds like this site lets you pick stuff you might like to get, so there is no guesswork when it comes to buying something. Maybe you can make lists of what you both want and each pick something from it?
My husband showed me a package he got in the mail. It was something he was psyched about, I guess it's cool if you like Star Wars stuff, it is a chrome pizza cutter in the shape of the Enterprise.
defensive.
I guess I'm a bad spouse, because I've done both of these things (except I think I folded the card right).
In nine years of marriage my husband usually buys me gifts, I usually don't buy him gifts (I'm more disabled than he is, so he is the household and my care taker. T buy him a gift, I have to do it online, and he discovers it before it arrives, because he checks the bank account every day). Neither of us is materialistic, so we usually do something special on our anniversary rather than get gifts for each other.
My husband is a gamer-geek, so the gifts I have given him (usually for no-special occasion. I can forget the dates, but I give random gifts) are those associated with his interests. A Cthulhu Valentine (the day before Valentine's Day because I got the dates confused) - A frog (he collects) coloring page I colored just for the heck of it. A Halloween card - a full week before Halloween because again, I got the dates confused (again because the fibro interferes with my memory and cognitive functions).
I've exchanged "swap" gifts with people on my crafting and doll-making boards - usually doll stuff we've made ourselves. Usually the people in these groups are women and gay men, but there are the occasional hetero- male with a femine hobby. Heck my hubby is one of them, he does needlepoint.
I never consulted my husband before agreeing to these swaps. He didn't know about them until I told him I needed him to take me shopping or to the post office.
The gift swaps are tremendous fun. I didn't "need" the Barbie dress, the plastic canvas barbie chair, the craft supplies, or any of the other stuff.
During some of the swaps, our finances were so tight that the $4 to $12 I spent was money that could have been used on other things. But I didn't begrudge my husband his drive-through coffees, so I never even thought I was depriving him of anything by participating in these fun exchanges.
The randomness is part of the fun.I would ask though if you were sure that the online card was really thoughtless. I'm not sure I would draw any conclusions from "careless folding." What about the subject and sentiment of the card - are you sure it was generic? (Don't assume, ask him how long it took him to find your card, ask him why he picked that particular card. You may find that he was trying to be more romantic than you've given him credit for. Or you may make your point to him more clearly than if you had yelled if he can't tell you).
My husband is less careful with money than I am too. He's also more generous to his friends than I would like. One of the reasons he stopped buying gifts for me was that I had expressed my desire that he not spend the money. Not because the money is important to him, but because it was important to me. He still is generous with his friends - and that got me angry - that he was spending money on his friends and not on me. When I called him on it (and was quite angry) he was confused. I was yelling at him for doing what I had asked him to do (I never asked him to stop being generous with himself and others).
I agree that you need to tell him how you feel (ideally when you can do so without sounding as angry as you feel), and you need to offer him the opportunity to do the same (with some guys you have to ask directly).
I would not be offended by it if my partner did it ... well, because she does have online communities and friends in which she invests time and effort, and a penpal for whom she buys gifts (that is not a red flag situation before someone suggests it is!).
However, I can see why you feel upset. I get the impression it is not about the gift he gave or received but that he has not invested the same attention and care in dealing with you and gifts for you? Have you told him this in a calm, explaining way? It sounds like he was really excited and feels that you pulled the rug from under him. He is thoughtless, not the devil incarnate, and may simply need an explanation. It is okay to say "Look, I feel hurt by this because ... I feel you do not treat me with the same depth of regard you seem to have invested in an online stranger/I was hurt by the excitement you showed in receiving a gift from a stranger when I put so much thought and care into those gifts I buy for you/I would like you to put some care into buying presents for me because I want and need our relationship to mean more than one you formed online."
Unless you talk it through how can you resolve this? Hiding the starship away (which, by the way, as a fan I would love!) is the same as hiding the online encounters away.. it is not healthy for either of you.
A few day after me and my partner got together we decided that we won't keep secrets from each other. Not even surpises.
The reason is that everything really runs smoother when you talk about things first.
The same goes for presents and what we buy for ourselves and others. It is not that we want to control each other's lives. In the contrary, we simply want to know eachother's needs and provide for them correctly and with maximum efficiency. This has kept us extremely happy with our tight budget,
Alone, no, I don't think secret santa exchanges are inappropriate. In fact I think those are the types of random acts of kindness that make the world a better place. If more people tried to brighten up the day of a random stranger, imagine how much more pleasant going through life would be!
What is inappropriate is him not putting though and time into your anniversary card/gifts. That is separate from the Secret Santa, and does show a certain amount of disregard/taking you for granted that shouldn't be acceptable!
I don't think it's fair to resent him for you holding back on things that you want, unless:
-You have agreed as a team not to buy anything except 'needs'
-You each have a small 'allowance' for personal spending and he exceeded his budget and dipped into shared money to buy the gift
-He asked you not to buy the boots/glasses
Honestly..... That would be a massive fight in my house. I find it to be completely unacceptable, no matter how big or small the gift was. I just couldn't help to think that the extra money that bought that could have gone to and this is going to sound selfish.... ME or YOU! I just think that we put up with a lot from our significant other, like a printed out, crappy folded "card" or "forgotten" anniversaries. This goes both ways though, they put up with a lot from us to but that's why I think... sometimes (on both ends) a good pampering is deserved.
I would sit him down and tell him exactly why you got upset over it and that you feel some stranger got more consideration and effort then you got on your anniversary. I would go as far as to "ask" him to never do that without your prior knowledge again.
wow!! such a great bunch of chicks with great insight. FIRST, i am so embarrassed that I mixed up Star Trek and Star Wars. I should know better!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinoia
It sounds like he was really excited and feels that you pulled the rug from under him. He is thoughtless, not the devil incarnate, and may simply need an explanation.
You know, he was really excited, and my reaction really deflated him.
and to the chick who included the pic of Homer ... lol! Clueless about some things, YES.
I do want to be able to calmly talk about this and explain how I feel/felt. And I think I can.
I don't know why, that women/mothers/wives will put ourselves last! I WILL get myself those boots. And I will make the appt for the glasses (need to do the annual eye xam anyway)
heehee, glad that I told this in a funny way Yes he has always been an offbeat person.
OH! here's another reason why I should be ridiculed for mixing up Star Trek and Star Wars. For our honeymoon, way back in 1979? ... we went to a Science Fiction Convention I was way too young to realize that I could say "NO" to some things
I think he was mostly doing it so he could get a gift. He probably chose the first thing he thought of, and hoped he would get something better.
On the other hand, I can see where you're coming from. I too have alot of those types of feelings when my husand does stuff like that. It drives me nuts!
woohoo, thank you Misti, all I need is just one person agreeing with me
Oh good! I was starting to feel outnumbered here. I think it is totally inappropriate for your husband to be buying gifts for a single woman without it coming from both of you, especially when you are not comfortable with it and make sacrifices yourself. An exception could be a coworker at an office "draw names" gift exchange or something. But someone he meets on the Internet? No way.
Honestly..... That would be a massive fight in my house. I find it to be completely unacceptable, no matter how big or small the gift was. I just couldn't help to think that the extra money that bought that could have gone to and this is going to sound selfish.... ME or YOU! I just think that we put up with a lot from our significant other, like a printed out, crappy folded "card" or "forgotten" anniversaries. This goes both ways though, they put up with a lot from us to but that's why I think... sometimes (on both ends) a good pampering is deserved.
I would sit him down and tell him exactly why you got upset over it and that you feel some stranger got more consideration and effort then you got on your anniversary. I would go as far as to "ask" him to never do that without your prior knowledge again.
I am not married but if I was and this happened something would hit the fan in my house too.
Yes he has always been an offbeat person. 
I was way too young to realize that I could say "NO" to some things 
