I think a lot of us have done stupid foolish stuff when younger. The only difference between the boyfriend and the mother of this baby is that the pregnancy happened. God knows how many times it could have happened to me when I was 21 and out partying non-stop.
What matters, IMO, is how he deals with the situation now - if he steps up and is a good father to this child (and no, that doesn't mean he has to be with the mother!) then I think that's really the key here. If a man can own up to his responsibilities and treat his child with dignity and respect then he is worthy of forgiveness. If he walks away from the child and/or plays no part, then I too would walk away. Here is a test of his character.
This is all true, and I don't excuse him one bit, but I wonder why a young sexually active woman is not taking birth control pills.
Did i miss something? Where was it said she was not on birth control or he didn't use a condom?
There are a lot of assumptions going on, people can be as 'safe' as possible and there are still babies that result from it. Mine is one of them.
To OP, if you 2 were on a break, was it discussed at all the possibility of seeing other people? It should have been if you remained to be intimate with him, by both of you. Of course you don't want to assume he is seeing or sleeping with some one else, but for you're own health you need to be certain and he absolutely should have been upfront about that. That is the behaviour that bothers me.
What's done is done, and ultimately you need to sit back and really think about what it is you want. The baby is here, unless prooved otherwise, it is his responsibility and his right to be in that childs life.
It's your choice if you want to be part of that or not. That's all that is your choice. As some one else said, you have to decide for yourself if you can accept that and be all in.
And it's perfectly alright if you can't - do what is right for you and you only.
sorry, but if I'm broken up with someone I'm not looking to them for permission to do much of anything. I can't imagine anyone who would.
I can't either, but to some break does not mean break up. There's a grey area there I've come to notice with definitions people have, which is why I say it needs to be put out on the table. Specially when you become intimate with that person again, it needs to be said right up front IMO
OP, you don't want to tell your parents because YOU know that they will be disappointed in you for staying with this guy and signing up for 18yrs+ of strife and a husband with half the earning potential (since the other half will be going to child support for a kid that is not yours.)
Deep down, you know they are right. However, you gotta put on the big girl panties. Set your parents down, tell them he's made a huge mistake while you two were separated, that you are going to stay with him, and have forgiven him, have weighed the pros and cons of staying with him, and that you are going to stick it out, and hopefully they will be supportive, understand that they may not be and for good reason, but you are an ADULT, and this is what you have decided to do.
This is an awful mess, especially for the kid. Good luck in dealing with this. Remember, honesty is the best policy.
This happened to my brother (well, a one night stand resulted in a pregnancy that he found out about months later) and his girlfriend thought she could handle it, but was unable to. The girlfriend he has had for the past year has been able to handle it much better, but she has reservations due to the financial aspect of the situation.
I married (and divorced) someone with two children and I think it's a hard situation to be in. Not only do you have to deal with exes, but being a step-parent is difficult in itself, particularly when if you go on to have more children. I couldn't help but feel much more love toward my own child, and it was something I had to hide.
The part that bothered me the most was financial. My income was already twice what his was, but almost all of his money was going toward other households. It's very hard to deal with wanting to be in a certain financial standing and being unable to because money is already spent. Even if he makes more money, the kids get more money, which is not how it works in a traditional household (I could still buy the same amount of clothes, food for my child even if I got a raise, because nobody is basing the allocation on a percentage of my income).
I couldn't say what you should do, but I suggest you really think about the implications of a lifetime with someone with a child, particularly someone who you have been struggling with already.
How's that? His penis, his sperm, his responsibility.
I've always been one for the (unpopular) opinion that a man should be able to waive his rights to a child he doesn't want. A woman can put the baby up for adoption or get an abortion (if it fits her morals). The man is completely at her mercy if she decides to keep the baby. If she can't afford to take care of the baby without him, then it's her choice to keep it, rather than putting it up for adoption. But shouldn't he get the same option to walk away that she had?
...and there -are- girls that trap men. I may have been hasty to proclaim this particular woman did, but you'd have to be living a pretty sheltered life to not realize how many women purposely do not take birth control in order to get pregnant and keep a man around. It's a foolish idea, because they'll probably end up with a baby daddy who doesn't pay his child support, but they aren't thinking like that when they do it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cherrypie
sorry, but if I'm broken up with someone I'm not looking to them for permission to do much of anything. I can't imagine anyone who would.
I think OP said break, not break up...which implies to me they were on a break, but they hadn't broken up. Like Rachel and Ross on Friends.
"We were on a break!"
Last edited by napalmtree; 11-17-2011 at 08:30 AM.
Seriously sweetheart, just because you have history with someone does not mean that you HAVE to have a future with them. I see that you're embarrassed by his actions. You are ashamed because he had sex with someone else. You feel bad and sympathize for him because you love him. Were you out actively having sex with other people during this break? It looks like you were not and he was. He didn't have to have sex with the other girl to begin with. No one knows every detail of your relationship, but you CANNOT make excuses for him. In this situation you have to be a strong woman and think, hey, I'm only 24. I have my Whole Entire Life to do as I please.
How are you supposed to go and do that if your chosen partner has a kid with a woman he barely knows? She could be psycho and you don't know unless you spend enough time with her. You don't need the drama, you don't need the guilt, you don't need the baggage from his poor decision.
I do believe that there are soulmates out there, but I see alot of hard times coming up for both of you if you don't give him time to work his issue out. It only becomes your issue if you marry him/he makes it your issue too.
I implore you and him to get tested for all STI's and for him to demand a paternity test. You don't know this girl, and she could've had sex with anyone.
I personally would say goodbye and move on. I know its incredibly hard, but that may be the best thing for you right now. Once he gets it all sorted out, who knows? But for right now, you don't need the drama from your friends and family and the guilt you carry although it was not your fault.
I don't think I could, sorry. Perhaps if I love him enough, but I am not in your situation. OP, you said you guys agreed to a "break," for me this usually means just a temporary situation, I would expect my guy of 4+ years not to go immediately see a girl (for a while, you said right) and sleeping around with her on your 'break'. Not cool. What happens then in the future, if you have another break, or you get married and have a blowout fight? Would he go to another girl then? Would you have to deal with this again?
I just don't think I could. I would want to know that my guy could keep it in his pants for a break or a fight (or at least he is smart enough to use some kind of protection). I would want that respect from him, as I would give to him.
While you love him now, there are other fish in the sea, and perhaps another equal or greater love is there for you.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
You're young.
You're unmarried and already HAD problems with him.
You're unmarried and he has a baby and a "baby mama" to contend with. THAT is HIS problem, not your problem. Staying with him, marrying him, makes those 2 people your problem.
Marrying him makes it, technically, more involved to walk away since you'll have to get separated/divorced.
Whether or not he wants to support that baby, he can be pulled into court and forced to financially provide for that baby, until the baby turns 18 or attends college--at least that it is supposed to work through the courts.
Do you love him enough to forgive him?
Do you love him enough to accept that his $ is going to go to someone else and if you marry him that technically "your" money is going to go to someone else as well?
How do you know this woman isn't a psycho?
How do you know he and she won't find that having the baby in common gives them more of a relationship than you and he?
Run.
Run.
Run.
