Honestly, I'd be concerned about this ever happening again. Life is unpredictable; you've already taken a break when things got rough. I know it's not technically cheating if you weren't "together" at the time, but what's to stop him from doing it again if your relationship becomes unstable in the future?
50% of pregnancies occur when the couple is using a form of contraception, usually the Pill or condoms. It's not actually "highly likely" that it was unprotected sex.
No offense but I seriously doubt this stat to be correct.
the only thing I can add is, assuming he will be a father to the child, then by marrying him the mother will be in your life a lot, assuming she will be a good mother.
You may want to see how a relationship with her will be before you make plans to marry.
It could work...
My ex-wife and my wife are friends and it has worked for 16+ years, not perfect but pretty darn good...
that is rare!
It took a lot of work and understanding to achieve it....for the kids.
50% of pregnancies occur when the couple is using a form of contraception, usually the Pill or condoms. It's not actually "highly likely" that it was unprotected sex.
unprotected sex is without a condom. Sure condoms break but if someone you had been dating had sex with another person and didn't use a condom or the condom broke, then proceeded to have sex with you without telling? That is pretty irresponsible.
I'll say again, get a VD check. You could be putting your life, fertility and other things at risk if he got a VD. And this is only the girl he told you about.
Like others, I think that several huge considerations are on the line but there are some things that are definite:
You both need to get tested for STDs before doing anything else with each other or anyone else. Just because she is the one who is pg doesn't mean he hasn't slept with or fooled around with more than just her.
He is the baby's father- this isn't the baby's fault and you do know that. He doesn't have to be with the mother in order to be a good parent, but if he wants to be a good parent, you need to be prepared to both see a lot of her, and have his attention and time divided between you and the child. This happens anyway when you have kids, but it's a little different especially assuming he won't have any kind of overnight custody with the baby for awhile anyway- especially if she's nursing around the clock or anything like that.
You need to decide if you're ready to commit to starting a family, because essentially, that's what this is. If he is the one, if he's completely worth it, then dive in and love with all you've got. Love him, and love the **** out of that baby as well. If there's any question though, if something just doesn't sit with you right... then maybe it's time to move on for good, for yourself, for him, and for the baby too.
Wow I really understand why this must feel totaly wrong.
Like the ladies said before the most important thing is making sure the baby is your boyfriend's and that your boyfriend didn't bring something much worse back into the relationship (STDs). Do not shrug it off. 5% of the human population has Aids, Clamydia, Toxoplasma, Syphilis, Herpes or a bunch of those together and most do not know it (Even AIDS can be assymptomatic in carriers for up to 9 years).
Once you are sure you both are healthy and the kid is his you should do what you feel best to do and will NOT regret in 30 years when you look back.
My personal opinion is this: I'd leave him. I am a very demanding partner and I offer just as much as I demand. I would never stand for being with a man who accomplished something this irresponsible within a small timespace during which he didn't see me as often. And did you consider he had actual sex with you during that time he left another woman pregnant? I'd feel like a juice can in a store. "Will he drink orange today or strawberry?"
We harvest what we sow. Personally I would find these things in specific to be almost unforgivable: 1) Sex without proper protection 2) Having sex with me and other women in the same timespace 3) If the woman didn't get pregnant I would not have know I might have a bunch of STDs from the ladies I shared my man with...
Now this is only my personal opinion and the way I act in relationships (has served me extremely well until now btw). It highly depends though on what you did during that break time. If you had unprotected sex aswell with other men etc then it is another issue. I would have nothing to say if you both accept such carefree dangerous behavior in your lives To each their own
I'm sorry, how is it flagrantly irresponsible behaviour for someone to enter a new sexual relationship after a breakup? The breakup lasted for months, we're not talking about a situation where a couple had a spat that lasted three days during which one of them went out and slept with someone else. I've gone out with someone a few months after she had broken up from a previous partner, and as a matter of fact she got back together with her ex after our relationship ended - and later on she and her partner had another relationship break, during which they both saw other people. None of this is betrayal, even if it's not what all parties want to have happened. It is as unrealistic to expect someone to remain faithful to an ex-partner several months after a break-up as it is to expect that you must be your partner's first love and/or first sexual partner. (Unless, of course, you live in a culture where people are only permitted one partner during their lifetime, but we're clearly not talking about that here.) Since this probably is the OP's first love, of course, and she's still quite young, that does make this harder for her to deal with. No one is saying that any of this will be easy.
We have no idea whether or not he had unprotected sex. As I said above, half of pregnancies occur when the couple is using a form of contraception, usually the Pill or condoms. Look up the "typical use" stats if you don't believe me: 5% of women using the Pill will get pregant within a year, and 15% of women using condoms. Contraceptive failures are much more likely amongst younger people, as they are both more likely to make contraceptive mistakes (condoms in particular take practice, not to mention lube) and more fertile. Many young people in America have either been taught nothing at all about contraception at school, or they've picked up the mistaken idea that condoms are 100% effective, and that they would magically know on the spot if anything went wrong. (For anyone about to protest, not all condom failures are obvious, which is one reason for the relatively high pregnancy rate).
Contraceptive mistakes happen, and running around casting blame is not useful in this situation. Accidental pregnancies happen. Women have fought long and hard for the right to choose whether to keep a pregnancy or not, and this woman has chosen to have the baby. Yes, it's awkward for someone who didn't want to be a father, and even though he knew that risk when he slept with her it's still pretty rough on him. Nothing can be done about that now.
What can be done is for these three people to start having some serious discussions about their lives. I know the new father is in a state of shock, but she's already had the baby, he must be used to the idea by now, and he must have had some conversations with the mother. It sounds as if she has no intention of resuming the relationship with him, so there is no need for the OP to feel that she should nobly release her boyfriend to go off and do something which no one actually wants. Sometimes women get pregnant after a short relationship, or even a brief fling, and realise that while they don't want a continuing relationship with the man, they do actually want the baby. It happens pretty often, and some women don't even notify the father.
However, they do need to make a formal arrangement about what his role in the baby's life will be. Is he listed on the birth certificate, and if not, why and whose decision was it? They need to work out whether he will join in the active parenting in any way, whether the child will be living with him part-time, what sort of financial contributions he will make. They need to look at the legal situation, because even if it's amicable now, it would be naive to assume that it will always be in the future, and he could suddenly be hit with child support payments. Since the relationship was short, a paternity test is probably going to be useful for the legal side of things if nothing else. STI testing is useful for anyone who is sexually active, so that's sensible as well.
Then the OP and the father need to work out how this will fit into their relationship, both emotionally and practically. They've been together for a long time, albeit with rocky patches, and they should not be made to feel that this forces them into a breakup which they do not otherwise want. Again, lots of couples have to deal with children from a previous relationship being in the picture. A close friend of mine got together with her partner not long after he became a father from a previous relationship, when she was 23 and he was 21. She found it difficult to get used to at first, and she still can't stand the baby's maternal grandmother who is playing power games about the whole situation, but it's been three years now and she's settled pretty well into being a part-time stepmother. Admittedly that isn't quite as difficult as having the pregnancy occur during a relationship break, but in the long term I think the way in which the baby was conceived will be the least of anyone's worries, despite its being a big emotional issue at the moment.
I know you are an adult and you have to make the decisions here. But you are also young. And just because you dated him a long time does not mean you HAVE to join him on this journey. But if you DO decide to join him, you can't be waffling back and forth.
In your shoes I would think about getting a health screening for STD's. Then tell your parents about it all and ask their advice and their feelings. Will they be supportive? Will they balk? Because that can influence your decision.
You say you feel embarassed by it -- but get it over with. Better they hear about it from you than some stranger.
Do his parents know? Have you met her people?
He's the one who had a baby with someone else, and while I certainly hope he will do his best to be a present father even if he has no desire to be with the mother... you don't have that parenting obligation at this point. You can choose not to go there and it doesn't make you a bad person for not wanting to be a stepmom right now.
If you DO choose to stay and plan a life with him, you need to be ready to be in there all the way as a stepmom. And that means dealing with the baby's other family - his mom, grandparents, etc. See if you can meet them before making decisions. Meet her. Talk about expectations of each person.
How they are can influence your decision because if you go in for stepmotherhood they will be in your lives like another set of in-laws. Read more about stepmotherhood and custody issues and other legalities.
My comment was based on the fact that she assumed she knew his sex status when they were having sex after the breakup even though they were still having sex during the breakup? If I separated from my husband and he had sex with someone else and then we got back together, I'd want to know and make sure he got tested for an STD before we did anything.
In spite of his transgression, I am reading that you love him and he you.
If that is the focus of your relationship then between you it is possible to face this together.
I know there are hurt feelings and perhaps a little loss of trust but only you know what to do and no amount of advice can make up your mind for you. I believe you understand all the ramifications of continuing a life with him in it and already know that relationsips can be difficult enough without added pressures.
BUT, and it is a BIG but, what struck me most is that you guys were fighting and not speaking a lot before the breakup and perhaps you need to re-examine that before the aftermath. If there was already a problem all the signals were in place. Were the issues which created a separation before resolved when you made up again or simply glossed over?
If the relationship was in trouble all that happened later, baby and all, are a horrible distraction which could just be the final straw.
Whatever else happens, do what feels right for you. It is hard sometimes to know what that is when things are so emotional but, deep down, there is an inner voice you have to listen to. If there are any doubts about being with him then you must heed them.
If it is his child, the worst thing he could do is to ignore that baby and go on living life with you...as if it never happened. My late FIL, one of the best men I've known, had a child in much the same fashion you described, right before meeting MIL. He sent the check, but never spoke to that baby. It's a wasted life full of regrets, and that child didn't deserve that.
If it is his, then this child SHOULD be a HUGE part of his life...forever.
fatsincebirth, you are getting a lot of advice. I will say if you continue in this relationship it is going to take a LOT of maturity on your part. Having a relationship with a stepchild is not always pleasant. It can be made to work but it doesn't come easy. Suppose he steps up to his responsibility and accepts his legal, financial obligations. The baby stays with the Mom and he has visitation. This is the ideal picture. At some point in time Mom decides it is too much trouble and send the baby to Dad to raise, this has been known to happen. Suppose she gets married and more children enter the picture, and suppose you have children. I assure you it can get very complicated. The more people involved the more complications arise. It takes a lot of level headedness on all parties. I wouldn't count on that.
Something else to consider- you guys have a long history. You had broken up, but sometimes (especially in long relationships) the actual breakup is a process rather than a single event. Perhaps this situation is making you feel protective and/or loyal to him, which is causing you to want to stand by him.
If you separate this whole mess from you two being together, would you still see yourself with him? Or have you grown apart and possibly feel that you would be better suited with another partner? You were very young when you got together -would you regret not "getting out there" more?
Just some things to consider above the elephant in the room...
It sucks that she trapped him like that, but it's also his fault for being with her to begin with (unless of course the terms of your break implicitly stated it was OK to sleep with others).
I, personally, would break up with him. I'm no believer in soul mates, though, and I have no interest in playing step mommy. I love my man, too, but if this happened to us...I know I'd be done with him. I would expect him to feel the same way if I got knocked up by some other guy. That's just how I am.
You, however, could be very different. If you think you can handle him being a real dad to this child, and having this woman in your life, as well as the child...then you should try to make things work. As someone else stated, life isn't always a straight line...if you really love this guy, and can't see yourself with anyone else, then try to give it a shot.
No one will fault you if you give it your best, and you decide you can't do it.
To each their own
